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Bint e Aisha

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  1. Why do some children deviate from the right path when they grow up? :قال ابن القيم "فمَن أهمل تعليم ولده ما ينفعه ، وتركه سدى فقد أساء إليه غاية الإساءة ، وأكثر الأولاد إنما جاء فسادهم من قبَل الآباء ، وإهمالهم لهم ، وترك تعليمهم فرائض الدين وسننه ؛ فأضاعوهم صغارا فلَم ينتفعوا بأنفسهِم، ولم ينفعوا آبَاءَهُم كبارا." 📜تحفة المودود ٢٢٩ Ibn al-Qayyim said: "Whoever neglected to teach his child that which benefits him, and left him without any guidance, then he has wronged him gravely. The reason behind most children’s deviance is their parents, and their neglect and failure to teach them the Fara'idh (the duties) and the Sunan (the supererogatory acts of worship) of the religion so they neglected them as they were still small, as a result they didn't find benefit in themselves, nor did they benefit their parents when they grew up." 📜Tuhfat al-Mawdood (229)
  2. Correspondence of Hazrat Moulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb (rahimahullah) Condition: Please explain the meaning of “radhaa bil qadhaa” to me. Answer: To abstain from objecting or complaining - either with the tongue or the heart - about the conditions that are sent by Allah Ta‘ala which are against one’s likes. Instead, one should accept that Allah Ta‘ala is both the Absolute Ruler and Absolutely Wise as well. Hence, one must consider His decree to be beneficial and one must remain pleased with it. This is the meaning of “radhaa bil qadhaa”. Nevertheless, to experience natural sorrow over a calamity and to make du‘aa for it to be alleviated does not contradict or negate “radhaa bil qadhaa”. (Solutions to Spiritual Maladies for the Lovers of Allah Ta‘ala, pg. 244) http://uswatulmuslimah.co.za/womens-issues/spiritual-maladies.html
  3. Sheikh Zahir Mahmood | LIGHT UPON LIGHT CONFERENCE | DEC 2017 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cTrmIl694ns&feature=youtu.be • Lessons on courage • Examples of social, emotional and moral courage from the life of Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه
  4. Bridal and Baby Showers by Hazrat Maulana Yunus Patel Saheb (rahmatullah alayh) There are many customs and trends which have their affiliation with the non-Muslim culture and lifestyle. Many Muslims, due to being afflicted with what appears to be a truly insecure and inferior complex, look towards and choose the customs and trends of the non-Muslims over that of the beautiful Sunnah. It seems as if the need is to secure a kind of acceptance in a non-Muslim society and just blend in with them – so that we are not recognized as Muslims. Bridal Showers and Baby Showers have become synonymous with the Muslim lifestyle as it is with the rest of the non-Muslim lifestyle. Many may ask: What’s wrong with giving gifts, congratulating the bride-to-be or the new mother, or having a get together with friends? There is nothing wrong with giving the bride or the new mother, a gift, or congratulating the person. To give a gift and congratulate are from the teachings of Islam – and would draw rewards … but there are conditions to be met in even these noble deeds. What is extremely wrong and objectionable is the background to these good deeds. They are not within the parameters of Shari’ah. The picture of a typical bridal shower and baby shower is not typical with the Sunnah. It is typical of the non-Muslim way of life. By following suit, we fall into the sin of “Tashabbu bil Kuffaar” (emulating the disbelievers). It is aligning oneself with those who have rejected Allah Ta’ala, who live their lives in immorality and disobedience. Nikah is a great Ibaadah. Pregnancy and the birth of a child also have their requisites in Islam. However, the west has commercialized all of these noble occasions, and made them into money-making events. The sacredness of these occasions is forgotten. …Today, Nikahs have taken on a distinct mould of a Hollywood or Bollywood style wedding – where the bride is dressed to look like a Christian bride or a Bollywood actress – with no sign of Islam on her; and the groom is dressed in a suit and tie, looking like a typical Christian groom. Adding insult to injury is the extravagance and open sin at the time of the wedding and Walimah. One’s mind moves in the direction of the millions and millions who are suffering famine and starvation, who have no home, no water, no food, no clothing – but the Muslim ignores all that suffering just for some fleeting attention and praise. All those hundreds of thousands of Rands wasted on draping a hall, on dressing the chairs, on wine glasses, on musicians, photography, on wedding cards that are thrown away, etc. is money, which could have been the means of alleviating the plight of so many suffering people. One brother handed me an elaborate invitation card for his daughter’s wedding. I enquired as to the cost of the wedding card, and was told that each card cost R50. Advising him, I told him that almost all people throw away wedding cards. People generally dispose of them. So he should regard that as people throwing away hundreds of his R50 notes. Would he throw R50 notes into a bin? No. However, the throwing away of those cards is equal to throwing away R50 notes. That same money could have been used in making the Aakhirah. Even those who are known to be religious will waste thousands on halls, on décor, etc. sacrificing the pleasure of Allah Ta’ala and Rasulullah (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam). Those who were meant to set the noble example of the Sunnah, who we expect are living the Sunnah – knowingly choose to forsake the Sunnah. Simplicity, which is part of Imaan, is a rare sight in these times. Hazrat ‘Ayesha (Radhiyallahu ‘anha) related that Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: ‘Verily, the most blessed Nikah is that which involves the least difficulty (expenditure).’ We have a perfect Sunnah – a perfect way of life in the life of our Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa-Sallam) and in the lives of his companions, men and women. We have what is superior to all other cultures yet we consider everything else. It shows great weakness if we give preference to the culture of the Christians, Jews and Idolators over the noble Sunnah of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa-Sallam). We are exchanging diamonds for stones… and what an unprofitable exchange this is! What a great loss! Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa-Sallam) said: “Whoever emulates a nation is from amongst them.” In another Hadith, it is stated: “A person is with whom he loves.” Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa-Sallam) also said that we will be raised on the Day of Judgment with those whom we imitate in this worldly life. (May Allah Ta’ala save us from such disgrace and humiliation.) Emulating the non-Muslim culture is one downfall but there are many more that are found in the Bridal and Baby Showers. The non-Muslims have coined a novel concept of begging – especially amongst the upper-class. It seems as if some, from amongst the wealthy, have developed an art to begging. They even have a name for it. In the name of Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, Registries, people gracefully and politely extend their hands, and they ask and take from others. The bride-to-be chooses her gifts from exclusive stores that offer a “registry” or she unashamedly hands out a list of those items she wants gifted to her. In the process, she places pressure and financial difficulty and sometimes a great burden on others - to purchase those gifts that she has chosen. At the get-together, these gifts and other gifts are presented to the bride-to-be, who opens them and shows them to all present – and each person can assess the kind of money that was spent on the gift given. Let us now consider the various wrongs in this act: A person is forced to purchase gifts that the bride has chosen – which may be beyond her budget in spending. A person who gives something simple or inexpensive will feel ashamed and embarrassed, considering the manner in which gifts are being received and shown to others. The Hadith encourages giving gifts because giving gifts creates Muhabbah (love). If Muhabbah is not created then this proves that either the giver or receiver in insincere. Sometimes, people give with intentions other than expressing their Muhabbah. However, there are many who request or are desirous of receiving and there is a kind of greed from the receiving side. This request or expectation (Ishraaf) reveals insincerity from the one who is receiving. A gift must be given happily and willingly – and should be received graciously and thankfully. This is the Sunnah. However, when we ask of people, as in the case of registries, etc. – people will give, but they give unhappily and unwillingly. And if some gift is given, which is not to our liking, then we receive it without any appreciation and thanks. This is our lamentable condition. Another aspect that has also been brought to attention is the immorality and shamelessness at such gatherings – with indecent talk, shameless dressing by Muslim women, inappropriate games, music, dancing and such filthy entertainment, that we would not want to bring on to our tongues. It is not permissible for a person to attend such gatherings. The Shari'ah instructs us: ‘IT IS NOT PERMISSIBLE TO BE PRESENT IN A GATHERING WHERE ALLAH TA’ALA IS BEING DISOBEYED.’ Moreover, a person's presence is aiding in promoting and glorifying what is not permissible. We are told not to assist each other in sin; rather to assist in what is righteous: "Help each other in righteousness and piety, and do not help each other in sin and aggression." [Surah Al-Maa'idah 5 : 2] A bride-to-be is known for her modesty and shyness – but all of this is lost in adopting the culture of the non-Muslims. Their dressing and their fashion nurtures immodesty. Added to this, these sins are publicized and photographs are taken and uploaded on social media – for all and sundry to view the level of our degeneration. The heart bleeds at this miscarriage of the Sunnah. …Nay, this abortion of the Sunnah. How will we meet our Beloved Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam) on the Day of Judgment? How will we show our faces to the one whose entire life was sacrificed so that today we be the reciters of the Kalimah? May Allah Ta’ala have mercy upon us since we stand to lose by adopting this culture. If we continue in this line and direction, we will lose the pleasure of Allah Ta’ala and we will lose the great rewards for enlivening and practising the Sunnah. We also stand to lose the companionship of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu ‘alayh wasallam) at the fountain of Kauthar on the Day of Judgment and even stand to lose the success of our marriages due to having sacrificed the beautiful, noble Sunnah by means of our emulation of the Hollywood and Bollywood culture. If our allegiance is to Allah Ta’ala and His Rasul (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam), then there should be no delay in repentance and mending our ways and coming back to what is pure and beautiful – Islam and the Sunnah. In this, is the success of both worlds. May Allah Ta’ala grant us the understanding, the concern and the Taufeeq of Aml. http://yunuspatel.co.za/articles-bridal-and-baby-showers.php
  5. Q: I would like to know if baby/wedding showers are permissible or not? A: The giving of gifts in Islam is meritorious and highly commendable. It is a means of creating bonds of closeness and affection between people. However, There is no basis in Islam to arrange a special occasion for the exchanging of gifts. Secondly, baby/wedding showers are from the way of life and culture of disbelievers, regarding which Rasullualh Sallallahu alayhi wasallam has stated that a person that imitates a nation is from them. Thirdly, there are many un-Islamic practices that take place at such functions details of which require no elucidation. Fourthly, many persons are placed under pressure to present an “appropriate” gift for the occasion even if they are unable to afford it. One should therefore freely give gifts but abstain from inculcating and adopting the mannerisms and practices of disbelievers. Jamiatul Ulama (Council of Muslim Theologians), Johannesburg Source
  6. Surah Al-Furqan Verse 63-76 | Ibadur Rahman | Soothing Recitation | Samir Ezzat
  7. Question: Asalamualaikum scholars there is a growing trend amongst young people to dye their hair in different colours like purple pink or blue. Please can you guide on the permissibility of these acts. Answer: Bismillahi Ta'ala Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullah SubhanAllah, this is the second time I have been asked this question in last week. In essence, this and many similar issues relating to clothing, beautification, adornments etc revolve around the same usool of fiqh deduced from the narration which states: من تشبه بقوم فهو منهم Whosoever emulates a qawm (a people) then he is from among them It is from this that fuqaha' establish multiple rulings of emulation in such a way that a person looses one's identity and gets aligned to those he emulates. A contemporary example I often give to the students who ask me this is the significance of Oilers wearing an Oilers uniform when playing with Flames. If an Oiler play enters the rink wearing a Flames jersey, would we assume that Oiler fans would tolerable of that behavior? If our emotions for a feeble worldly game is such that, how is it that we expect Allah Ta'ala to tolerate his servants, his worshipers to emulate others who have nothing to do with Allah!? This simple example should indicate the importance of one's outlook, ones mannerisms, one's traditions and one's behavior. Whosoever abandons the general decorum of islamic behavior and mannerisms, and aligns with that of non muslims, then surely there has to be some rebuke in it. This life is, after all, one big test to see who will choose the best of options. Moreover, this "Tashabbuh" applies to all other "groupings" which have characteristics that counters islamic decorum. Tashabbuh bil Kuffar (Emulation of disbelievers) Tashabbuh bil Fussaq wa Fujjar (Emulation of sinners and trangressors) Tashabbuh bil Nisaa' (Emulation of women for men Tashabbuh bil Rijaal (Emulation of men for women) etc. This applies to emulation in acts, dressing, mannerism etc. etc. such that one would not be able to identify you as a decent Muslim upon fitrah (natural disposition). Once the concept is understood, then lets look at your question. Dying of hair for men is acceptable when it is done for the right reason (white hair etc) through hina' etc. However, in generality, this is "Mubah". It is not permissible to use "black dye" as that has been prohibited by Rasulullah ﷺ. I cannot fathom a reason for boys to dye their hair for any reason except as a form of tazyeen and beautification. Hence the action inherently will have emulation of fashion trend or taking influence from others within it. It will thus not be permissible to dye one's hair. But, for hypothetical sake, should someone dye their hair with coloring which is not out of emulation of non muslims, sinners, transgressors or immoral individuals, then inherently the action will be permissible. This rule of emulation also applies to women folk as well (i.e. with the intent of emulating fussaq etc.). However, if she does so as a means of beautification for her husband, void of elements of tashabbuh, then she will have a leeway. She must keep in mind not to expose her tazyeen (beautification) for public or non maharim in all cases. Wallahu A'lam Mufti Faisal al-Mahmudi
  8. Pakistan Cricket Team's Dedication to Prayer Impresses Australian Coach https://youtu.be/uNX3UEqJUJA
  9. Muhammad Rizwan visits khanqah of Karbogha Shareef as well. Mufti Syed Adnan Kakakhail mentioned this in one of his tweets that he had met him there.
  10. REKINDLE YOUR LOVE FOR RASULULLAH (SALLALLAHU ALAYHI WASALLAM) With the onset of Rabiul Awwal the hearts of the Believers are truly revitalised. Brimming with love and appreciation for our Beloved Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalam) - connections are rekindled and deep reflections begin to take place.

Our honourable Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Rahimahullah) would express great zeal and eagerness in propagating the beautiful message of our Beloved Rasulullah (salallahu alaihi wasalam) and was always so passionate about instilling the true love of Rasulullah( salallahu alaihi wasalam) in the hearts of the Believers.

We will be sharing the recordings of the summarized discourses on the Qaseedah Burdah conducted by Mufti Sahib (Rahimahullah) throughout the month of Rabiul Awwal.

We hope that these reminders will ignite within our hearts the true love of Rasulullah (Salallahu alaihi wasalam). We ask Allah to strengthen our Imaan through the barakah of these discourses and we make Dua it will be a means of Sadaqah Jariyah for our honourable Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Rahimahullah). DISCOURSE #1 | A SUMMARIZED VERSION OF THE QASEEDAH BURDAH BY MUFTI EBRAHIM DESAI (RAHIMAHULLAH) The discourse began with a beautiful recitation of some couplets from the Qaseedah Burdah by the Mu'adhin of Musjid Us Saliheen, Sheikh Yahya. The people really enjoy Sheikh Yahya’s rendition of the Qaseedah Burdah. Mufti Saheb began his discourse by mentioning the background of the composer of the Qaseedah Burdah, Allamah Busairi Rahmatullah Alayh. Allamah Busairi Rahmatullah Alayh hailed from Egypt. He was employed by the government. He associated with high profile people and had all the comforts and luxuries of Life. However, he did not have peace (Sukoon). On this, Mufti Saheb explained the difference between the means of peace and peace itself. He stated when one turns to Allalh, Allah will grant one peace. The various means of peace may not necessarily give one peace. Imam Busayri Rahmatullah Alayh identified a spiritual guide. This was a turning point. He then treaded the path of Tazkiyah. Allamah Busairi always wished to have the Ziyaarat of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam in his dream and wrote numerous poems in praises of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. When he was old and afflicted with a stroke, Allamah Busairi Rahmatullah Alayh was blessed with the Ziyarah of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam in which he presented some couplets in the praises of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam was extremely pleased with this poetry and presented Allamah Busairi with a shawl. Hence, the name of the poem, poems of the Shawl. The love of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam is integral in the life of a believer. A person’s Imaan is not complete until the love of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam is more than the love of anyone else in your life. Mufti Saheb mentioned some incidents showing the love the Sahabah had for Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam and their acts of love which demonstrated their extreme love for Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. Love has the potential to create a revolution in the life of a person. A person observes the beloved and wishes to emulate every action of the beloved. Mufti Saheb mentioned the story of Majnoon and Layla and the impact love can have in one's life. Mufti Saheb explained the introduction of the poems. There are two role players. One is an Ashiq (Lover) of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam and the other is an observer of the Ashiq. The observer observes the reaction of the Ashiq-e-Rasool. Whenever there is a slight reference to Madinah Shareef, or the neighbourhood of Madinah Shareef, or even the mountains of Madinah Shareef, the Ashiq-e-Rasool gets emotional and his ‘eyes bleed tears’. That is an expression of a heart bleeding with love. Mufti Saheb then presented amazing incidents of the Sahabah’s love for Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. LISTEN TO THE DISCOURSE HERE: https://darulmahmoodnet.files.wordpress.com/2020/11/mufti.ebrahim.desai_.saheb_.qaseedah.burdah.summarized.part1_.mp3
  11. What Will Become of Her? There were many men who would not drink coffee, yet after a few years of marriage, they became regular coffee consumers. Likewise, there were many women who had never drank a sip of tea, yet after a few years of marriage, they became regular tea drinkers. There are many other examples that illustrate the manner in which one spouse’s ways, tendencies and habits rub off onto the other. It can be as simple as taste in food, or a little more involved such as developing punctuality and fastidiousness. Nevertheless, the point is evident – spouses have a profound effect on one another, to the point of even altering their habits and ways. This is exactly why it is so important to ensure that one marries the correct spouse. Often, a person is aware of a major Deeni weakness in their potential spouse (e.g. lack of commitment to salaah). However, they feel that it will not affect them, or they will be able to influence their spouse and change them for the better. Though this is certainly a possibility, we must acknowledge that there is a definite possibility that they will imbibe some bad habits and evil ways from their spouse. Hence, without ever regarding oneself as superior or better, nevertheless prudence demands that one refrain from taking such a chance – especially since one’s greatest asset (Deen) is at risk. It is for this reason that when the pious of the past got their children married, they NEVER compromised on the aspect of Deen, even though the proposal may have been extremely attractive and enticing in other respects. On one occasion, Yazeed proposed for the daughter of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), the renowned Sahaabi of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Despite the proposal coming from the palace of the ruler, Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) turned it down. Thereafter, one of the attendants of Yazeed proposed for the daughter of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), and his proposal was accepted! This created quite a sensation in society, as the news spread that Yazeed’s proposal had been rejected, but the proposal of one of the uninfluential Muslims had been accepted. Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) then explained and said, “I gave careful thought to (the future of my daughter) Dardaa. What do you think the condition of Dardaa will become when she has servants at her beck and call and she looks around in the palaces where her eyes will be dazzled (by the wealth and riches)? What will become of her Deen on that day?” (Hilyatul Awliyaa vol. 1, pg. 286) The primary concern of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was for the Deen of his daughter. Hence, even though her material and financial situation would have been extraordinary and she would have been in the lap of comfort and luxury, and marrying the ruler is normally regarded as a privilege and an honour, he rejected the proposal, as he felt that her Deen would be adversely affected. A similar incident has been narrated regarding Sa‘eed bin Musayyab (rahimahullah). He was among the leading Taabi‘een and was the son-in-law of none other than Sayyiduna Abu Hurairah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu). The ruler, ‘Abdul Malik bin Marwaan, sent a proposal for his son, Waleed, to marry the daughter of Sa‘eed bin Musayyab (rahimahullah). However, Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) declined the proposal. Since ‘Abdul Malik was determined, he tried numerous approaches to persuade Sa‘eed (rahimahullah), but his efforts were to no avail. He even went to the extent of lashing him a hundred times on a cold day, pouring water over him and dressing him in a cloak of wool, but Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) did not relent. Finally, he married his daughter to one of his students who was poor but pious. (Siyaru Aa’laamin Nubalaa vol. 4, pg. 233) When a father loves his daughter, he will want the very best for her. Likewise, he will be prepared to undergo any difficulty to save her from harm. Hence, Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) even bore a hundred lashes to save his daughter from the Deeni harm that she would have suffered, had she married Waleed. The crux of the matter is that the piety of the spouse is of utmost importance, and deficiency in Deen should not be overlooked and casually brushed aside. Source: http://uswatulmuslimah.co.za/family-matters/marriage/2974-what-will-become-of-her.html
  12. Question: Since I was very young, I was physically and psychologically abused by my parents. I became very depressed and confused. It resulted in me not praying and committing sins. I then decided to distance myself from them, and from then on, my life got a lot better. I found out that obedience to parents is very important in our deen. What should I do? Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmatuLlahi wa barakatuh, I pray this finds you well. May Allah make a way out for you from your tribulation. Abusive parents “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.” [Qur’an, 17:23] Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, ‘O Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor.’ The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Bukhari] I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through. You were an innocent child, entrusted to your parents, and they broke that trust, over and over again. AlhamduliLlah, now that you are an adult, you are in a better position to decide what to do about your estrangement from them. Rights of parents I strongly encourage you to sign up for the lesson The Rights of Parents when registration reopens. We are commanded to show respect and kindness to our parents, even if they are oppressive. Because your parents have hurt you so deeply, it is even more important for you to understand what Allah expects from you in this situation. This course is life-changing, subhan Allah, and I recommend that all children complete it, especially those who were abused by their parents. Moving forward Please speak to a culturally-sensitive counselor to support you through the process of reconciliation. Getting back in contact with your parents is probably going to be extremely difficult for you, so please take it in stages. Do you have close friends and/or family members? Please lean on them for support. Childhood wounds run deep, and may threaten your well-being. Don’t try to overwhelm yourself with too much contact with them, too soon. Think of reconciliation as a marathon, and not a sprint. You can start with sending your parents gifts, postcards, emails, letters, and the like. Work your way up to calling them on the phone. When you are ready to visit them, please go with a trusted companion, instead of going alone. Limit your interactions with them to an amount you can handle. Insha Allah over time, and through repeated exposure to them, your tolerance to them will increase. The minute you feel yourself sliding into depression, please withdraw and do things to help you recover e.g. read Qur’an, make dhikr, speak to your counselor, spend time with friends, etc. Always make that intention to mend ties with them for Allah’s sake. This intention will carry you through the inevitable rough patches. Please perform the Prayer of Need as much as you need to, to keep you going. Make dua for Allah to make this easier for you, and for Him to soften your parents’ hearts. May Allah reward you for wishing to mend ties with your parents. Trust that Allah Most High knows how hard this is for you, and that nothing is lost with Him. I pray that Allah makes easy your path to Jannah, through your desire to show kindness to your parents. Please see: Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents Wassalam, [Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
  13. Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari Question: Assalamu alaykum, I am a Muslim female in my 20s. I live alone away from my mother. I, for most of my life, have spoken to my mother everyday. As I have grown older, however, I have found it to be difficult to speak with my mother everyday, as I feel like she attempts to become overly involved in my life–in a way that makes me very anxious and makes me feel as if I am being watched. Also, I still have issues with abuse from my father when growing up and my mother not giving me enough support. After being diagnosed with depression and anxiety and taking medications, through the course of therapy I have come to realize that my mother is actually quite controlling and seems to not like it when I attempt to show independence. My mother, despite knowing about my mental conditions and that they get worse when I come home, still insists that I come home to visit and talk every day. I decided to limit our contact and our phone calls for my emotional well being. When I did this, I felt calmer and got more accomplished, but my relationship with my siblings worsened because my mother expressed how she was hurt that I didn’t contact her as much anymore. I started to call again and she liked that, but my emotional well being worsened again. I also realized that my mother seems to have been having an affair while I was growing up and maybe even now. I’ve seen my mother lie often, so she probably wouldn’t admit it if I asked her. With regard to calling my mother, what would you recommend given that frequent calling seems to oppress me and less frequent calling upsets her? Also, with regard to visiting–especially given the situation that I am afraid of my father–what would you recommend? I study human psychology and, examining my family dynamics, it appears that my family is enmeshed and dysfunctional. I have been taught that the way to help deal with such a situation is to establish clear boundaries, as enmeshed families like mine tend not to have them. At the same time, I do not want to shrug off my religious obligations. Also I am concerned that if my mother is overly involved in my life, it may affect any future marriage that I may have and any possible future relationships with my children. Answer: In the Name of God, the Gracious, the Merciful Dear Sister, Wa alaikum as-salaam wa rahmatullah, Thank you for your question. We know from revelation that life is characterized by tribulation. For example, Allah Ta’ala says, “O you who have attained to faith! Behold, some of your spouses and your children are enemies unto you: so beware of them! But if you pardon [their faults] and forbear, and forgive-then, behold, God will be much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace.Your worldly goods and your children are but a trial and a temptation, whereas with God there is a tremendous reward.” (Al-Qur’an, 64:14-15) Although the outward purport of these verses is directed towards parents, children, from experience, sometimes know very well that the trial runs both ways. Those closest to us can pose the biggest challenge because they know us so well and, hence, can manipulate us to their advantage, causing us much hurt. However, as the Qu’ran counsels, we should take the higher path and choose forgiveness. I’m glad you’re in therapy as the situation with your mother is a lot to handle. However, please make sure you’re doing things for your spiritual well-being. A regular morning and evening program of dhikr, supplication, and prayers upon the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, works wonders. Please understand that our parents are human beings and are far from perfect. Sadly, there are Muslim parents who are dishonest, dysfunctional, and abusive. There are parents who will attempt to live vicariously through their children and try to have total control. However, as adults, we can do several things: 1. Mitigate the harm of family members by responding with kindness, refusing to argue, and establishing clear boundaries. I can’t tell you what boundaries you should establish in interacting with your mother. Only you know what works and what doesn’t. Do consider, however, the patience of the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, in his dealings with his family members. And do try to recruit some supportive people in your life. 2. Learning how not to be as parents: Children can bring out the worst in some of us, sadly. While we would ideally like to be our best selves as parents, children, with their constant demands for our time and attention, not to mention their need for material resources, can push parents to the limit. That is why children, as Allah Ta’ala says above, can be the ultimate test. I know it’s difficult to understand but your mother might feel as frustrated with you as you are with her, but she has not found a healthy way to handle that. So learn from this situation how not to be as a parent. 3. Choosing peace and forgiveness.:Everyday, wake up and actively choose to forgive your family members and be at peace with their imperfections. Finally, to address your suspicions of your mother’s infidelity, it is best to leave this alone. Even if you have proof, it would be difficult to confront your mother given your relationship. Pray for her and ask Allah to send her some spiritual support. And encourage your siblings to take her around good, religious people; let them know you care. May Allah Ta’ala grant ease, Zaynab Ansari
  14. Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — Written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. on May 17, 2016 This psychologist is worried. It seems that everywhere I go a sizable number of the parents are ignoring their kids. At the grocery store: Mom is pushing one child in the cart. Two others are hanging onto the sides — when they’re not running up and down the aisles. Where’s Mom? In an animated discussion on the phone. At a local playground: Kids playing are pleading with Mom to look at them. Their mom barely looks up. She’s on the phone. At the mall food court: I see far too many tables where kids are eating fries and their folks are on the phone. At a high school football game. Yup. A dad misses his kid’s big play. Why? He’s on his phone. Not everyone is guilty of putting their phone ahead of their kids, of course. And sometimes, I’m sure, the parents on the phone are dealing with an emergency or monitoring kids left at home. But it’s happening enough that it has me concerned. Below are five reasons to put those phones away: Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying. The “look at me’s” you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement. When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids soak it up. They try again. They push themselves to the next level. Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank. When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life’s problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life’s challenges. When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms. Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles of life, they will have what it takes to cope. Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them. They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices. They are learning the words for the things and people of their world. They are learning how those words get strung together. Television doesn’t help children learn language. It’s too passive. They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being. Parking them in front of even the best children’s TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between even babies and their parents. Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence. “Where did that come from?” they ask. It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they’re on the phone. Conversation builds brain power. Little kids’ brains are sponges. The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb. Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize. Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life. One and two word answers don’t do it. Commands don’t do it. A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn’t do it either. Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world. That’s one of the many good reasons to read to children. It’s not just for the entertainment of the stories. It’s also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language. Our kids need our first priority to be our relationships with them, not with our phones. Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them. Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives. Yes, quality time has a certain special quality. We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo. But those days are special because they are rare. For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. I love my phone as much as the next person. I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family. I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me. I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets. I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.There’s no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house. But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs). Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting. https://psychcentral.com/lib/put-your-phone-away-and-pay-attention-to-your-kids#6
  15. If you ask me I would say no but it is up to them to decide this and maybe it's just a political response.
  16. Read here: https://www-independent-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/www.independent.co.uk/voices/september-11-guantanamo-bay-war-on-terror-afghanistan-b1917879.html?amp
  17. 📢 Zaynab Academy Online presents Understanding Menstruation A two months program explaining the fiqh of menstruation. *What to expect* – Critical understanding of concepts about menstruation – Differentiating between menstrual and non-menstrual blood – Detailed discussion on Sacred Law – Problem solving (Level 1) Starting from 15th September, every Wednesday and Saturday, 4:30 to 5:30 pm PKT 🎙️ *About the Speaker* Ustadah Samana is currently enrolled at Suffah Islamic Research Centre in Advance course of Menstruation and has completed 8 months of rigorous training. She recently conducted a workshop on the same topic from ZAO's platform which received a very positive response. For further details and registration: http://www.zaynabacademyonline.org/um/ Free of Cost | Women and Girls only
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