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Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — Written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. on May 17, 2016 This psychologist is worried. It seems that everywhere I go a sizable number of the parents are ignoring their kids. At the grocery store: Mom is pushing one child in the cart. Two others are hanging onto the sides — when they’re not running up and down the aisles. Where’s Mom? In an animated discussion on the phone. At a local playground: Kids playing are pleading with Mom to look at them. Their mom barely looks up. She’s on the phone. At the mall food court: I see far too many tables where kids are eating fries and their folks are on the phone. At a high school football game. Yup. A dad misses his kid’s big play. Why? He’s on his phone. Not everyone is guilty of putting their phone ahead of their kids, of course. And sometimes, I’m sure, the parents on the phone are dealing with an emergency or monitoring kids left at home. But it’s happening enough that it has me concerned. Below are five reasons to put those phones away: Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying. The “look at me’s” you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement. When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids soak it up. They try again. They push themselves to the next level. Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank. When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life’s problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life’s challenges. When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms. Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles of life, they will have what it takes to cope. Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them. They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices. They are learning the words for the things and people of their world. They are learning how those words get strung together. Television doesn’t help children learn language. It’s too passive. They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being. Parking them in front of even the best children’s TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between even babies and their parents. Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence. “Where did that come from?” they ask. It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they’re on the phone. Conversation builds brain power. Little kids’ brains are sponges. The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb. Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize. Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life. One and two word answers don’t do it. Commands don’t do it. A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn’t do it either. Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world. That’s one of the many good reasons to read to children. It’s not just for the entertainment of the stories. It’s also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language. Our kids need our first priority to be our relationships with them, not with our phones. Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them. Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives. Yes, quality time has a certain special quality. We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo. But those days are special because they are rare. For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. I love my phone as much as the next person. I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family. I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me. I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets. I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.There’s no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house. But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs). Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting. https://psychcentral.com/lib/put-your-phone-away-and-pay-attention-to-your-kids#6

Bursting the Bubble As exhausted as she was, she put in the extra effort. “Never mind if I’m tired, I’ll do it for my hubby,” she thought to herself. She wore attractive clothing and jewellery, applied perfume, prepared his favourite meal and dessert and even lit candles, hoping to please her husband by making it a ‘special evening’. Sadly, as soon as he entered, let alone appreciate and admire, and let alone a simple smile and a hug – he didn’t even spare her a second glance! He walked in, glued to his phone, absolutely oblivious to the loving wife who had eagerly awaited him all day. At that moment, her bubble burst and her heart was broken… After reading the above, most people would be quick to condemn the husband’s behaviour and classify him as insensitive, callous and uncaring. Now, consider the following: “Mummy! You know what aapa told us today?” Faatimah excitedly exclaimed as she ran in from madrasah. “Not now Faatimah! I’m busy!”her mother snapped while frantically typing on her phone. “Daddy! See what I made for you with my blocks!” Muhammad said, hopping with happiness. “Can’t you see that I’m on the phone?” his father scolded in irritation. In all the cases above, a person turned to someone that they love, hoping and expecting to receive warmth, love, attention and acceptance, and were instead brushed off abruptly and painfully ignored. Just as a wife feels hurt when her husband treats her indifferently, children similarly feel hurt when their parents treat them in this way. If the husband is guilty, the parents are also guilty and deserving of condemnation. In such a child’s eyes, his parents love their phones more than him as they cannot even put it down for a few minutes to give him attention and love. When the child sees that his parents have bonded with their phones more than with him, it is unsurprising that he develops a fascination with the phone and also wishes to acquire one to bond with. If it is not the phone occupying the parents, then regardless of what it is, it causes hurt and pain to the child – especially when it happens on a continuous basis. As fathers and mothers, we need to understand that parenting is not an eight-to-five occupation where we can knock off for the day,thereafter ignoring all responsibilities of the work place until the next morning. As parents, we can never feel, “I gave my children enough attention today, now it’s my turn to relax and I do not want them to disturb me or bother me.” We are on duty 24/7, and whenever our children come to us, we must show them warmth, love and attention. Failing to do so creates a serious complex in the child, affecting their emotional wellbeing and causing them to develop a dangerous craving for attention. When the wife is displeased with her husband for ignoring her, then due to her intelligence and age, she will be able to express herself with words or even tears. In the case of the child, he does not know how to communicate his need via words. Instead, when he desperately craves the attention and love of his parents, he looks for other ways to gain it – or he will seek the love from outsiders. Children are simple souls and do not understand diplomacy and tact. If a child wants a toy from another child, he will often snatch it without thinking twice. Likewise, when the parents do not give the child the attention that he wants, he tries to ‘snatch’ it from them. This often manifests in the form of naughty behaviour such as breaking things, tantrums, etc., as the child knows no other way to draw his parents’ attention. How sad that the child has to resort to this behaviour simply to make his parents look at him! Unfortunately, this plan backfires. The child is given attention – but in the form of scolding, punishment, etc. and this further entrenches the complex and craving within the child. The parents then lament and complain about the behaviour of their children, failing to realise that it is actually a shout for help from a child who is starving for love and knows no other way to express himself. The next time our child comes to us, even if it may be to show us a flower they picked in the garden, or a ‘picture’ that they scribbled with crayons, or to tell us something silly that their friend told them, or to show us their toy, let us not burst their bubble and break their hearts. Let us take out a few moments to give them our undivided love and attention. uswatulmuslimah

One should recite the following dua when overcome by fear أَعُوذُ بِكَلِمَاتِ اللَّهِ التَّامَّةِ، مِنْ غَضَبِهِ وَشَرِّ عِبَادِهِ، وَمِنْ هَمَزَاتِ الشَّيَاطِينِ وَأَنْ يَحْضُرُون I seek protection through the complete words of Allah Ta’ala from His anger, the evil of His servants, the whispers of the Shayateen and of their presence. عن عمرو بن شعيب، عن أبيه، عن جده، أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم كان يعلمهم من الفزع كلمات: أعوذ بكلمات الله التامة، من غضبه وشر عباده، ومن همزات الشياطين وأن يحضرون (سنن أبي داود، الرقم: 3893) Hazrat Abdullah bin Amr (radhiyallahu ‘anhuma) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) would teach the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) to recite the following dua when experiencing fear: أَعُوذُ بِكَلِمَاتِ اللَّهِ التَّامَّةِ، مِنْ غَضَبِهِ وَشَرِّ عِبَادِهِ، وَمِنْ هَمَزَاتِ الشَّيَاطِينِ وَأَنْ يَحْضُرُون ihyaauddeen..co.za

One should recite the following dua when fearing the enemy اَللّٰهُمَّ اكْفِنَاهُ بِمَا شِئْتَ O Allah, suffice us of his evil in the manner You wish عن البراء رضي الله عنه قال...فقال أبو بكر لعازب... فارتحلنا والقوم يطلبوننا، فلم يدركنا أحد منهم غير سراقة بن مالك بن جعشم على فرس له...فلما دنا منا، وكان بيننا وبينه قيد رمحين أو ثلاث، قلت: هذا الطلب يا رسول الله قد لحقنا... فدعا عليه رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم، فقال: اللهم اكفناه بما شئت... (صحيح ابن حبان، الرقم: 6281) Hazrat Abu Bakr (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) said, “When Suraaqa bin Maalik bin Ju’shum came close to us (during the journey of hijrat and he had not yet embraced Islam), and there was only a distance of two or three spears between us, I said (to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)), ‘The pursuers have caught us, O Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)!’…Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) made dua against him saying, اَللّٰهُمَّ اكْفِنَاهُ بِمَا شِئْتَ ihyaauddeen..co.za

Amount of water used by Nabi (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) for wudhu and ghusl Q: How many litres of water would Nabi (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) use for wudhu and for ghusl? A: Hazrat ‘Aaishah (radhiyallahu anha) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) used one mudd of water for wudhu and one saa’ for ghusl. One mudd amounts to approximately 1.03 litres and one saa’ is approximately 4.1 litres. And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best. عن أنس رضي الله عنه قال: كان النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم يغسل، أو كان يغتسل، بالصاع إلى خمسة أمداد، ويتوضأ بالمد (صحيح البخاري، الرقم: 201) عن عائشة رضي الله عنهاأن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم كان يغتسل بالصاع ويتوضأ بالمد (سنن أبي داود، الرقم: 92) فتاوى محموديه 8/122 أحسن الفتاوى 4/386 تأليفات رشيديه صـ 245 Answered by: Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)

Dealing with an abusive father I would like to ask if your father abuses you as a child and has hurt you and beat you up leaving you with marks to go to school and has abused you since a little child to the point you felt like you worth nothing and you didn’t do anything to deserve what had happened to you and he later abandons you because he believes that you disrespected him, when all your life he made you feel as if everything was your fault when it wasn’t and mother of that child even knows that because she has been abused as well. Since 14 the child’s family has been divorced and the father has used Allah swt for his wrong doings and has been very cultural. I read a hadith saying that cutting off ties who are blood related and not being helped will not enter paradise and this whole time this person has not been helped or supported and abandoned since 14 years old from his father.This child lives with his mother who has supported him. My question is what should this person do , what should the one do who has been abandoned, not been supported, and been abused by his father? This person is good and loves Islam and tries his best to be good and has been making dua and praying for his father but is still full of pain, while his father doesn’t feel at all he has done anything wrong and feels nothing towards this child. Is this kid at fault? Is the child in a state of getting bad deeds because of this problem? Is there any way to get closer to Allah swt to get rid of this pain? Answer: In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Praise be to Allah. May Allah’s peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger. Dear Questioner, I pray that this message finds you in a state of strengthened iman and renewed spirits. Children who have suffered abuse often blame themselves, seeking to find some explanation for the abuser’s behavior. Please understand this: You are not at fault for what happened! No parent has the right to abuse his or her child. Allah Most High has entrusted parents with a tremendous amana or trust: raising, nurturing, and loving a human being, and teaching that child about his or her religion. When a parent violates this trust through abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional, or neglects his or her child through abandonment or non-support, these actions constitute enormities, major sins in the sight of Allah Most High. The abusive and negligent parent will have much to answer for on the Day of Judgment, when Allah Most High knows what we have done, down to an atom’s weight of good or evil. It is obligatory for that parent to repent to Allah Most High and beg His forgiveness for violating the responsibility with which he or she was entrusted. You are right to continue to pray for your father. Allah Most High hears and responds to our prayers, often in ways that may not be immediately apparent. A crucial first step in resolving your anger toward your father is to pray for him. It is completely natural that you have a certain amount of resentment. The thing to remember is that: 1. You are not at fault. A child does not ask to be abused. 2. Your father is answerable to Allah Most High for what he has done. 3. Resentment and bitterness can tear a person’s heart. You don’t want to be weighed down by these feelings, so strive to put things in perspective and move on with your life. Alhamdulillah, you have a mother who seems to have looked out for you. 4. Yes, you will feel pain, but you can channel these feelings in a different direction. Allah willing, when you start your own family, you will know what NOT to do in raising your children. 5. As far as your relationship with your father is concerned, you can still maintain family ties by praying for him and being good to him, but you MUST NOT subject yourself to any type of abuse. The Prophet, peace be upon him said, “A person should help his brother whether he is an oppressor or an oppressed. If he is the oppressor he should prevent him from doing it, for that is his help; and if he is the oppressed he should be helped (against oppression).” [Sahih Muslim, Book 32, Number 6254] 6. Last but certainly not least, you may want to seek the help of a qualified counselor or therapist to help you work through these issues. The effects of child abuse can linger well into adulthood, and it may be of benefit to learn some strategies for coping with your pain, learning from it, and moving beyond. Turn to Allah Most High in all your thoughts and prayers. Be constant in your obligatory prayers and perform voluntary worship. It is reported in a Hadith Qudsi: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said: ‘Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him.'” [Bukhari]

“Allah Ta’ala wants us to contemplate on the blessings He has bestowed upon us so that we reach the conclusion that Allah Ta’ala loves us and then we return that love with love”! Beautiful words from our respected Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat! He then elucidates the special favours bestowed upon the Muslim woman. I have tried to convey his words to the best of my ability so that we as Muslim women know how much love Allah Ta’ala has for us, and through the barakah of Shaykh we do return that love with total love and submission, insha Allah: "The Qur’an, which came down to the best of creation, through the best of Angels, in the best of months, on the best of nights and in the best of places and through which Allah Ta’ala communicates with His creation was first recited to a woman, Hadrat Khadijah Radiyallahu anha. It wasn’t so that the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam met Hadrat Abu Bakr or Hadrat ‘Umar Radiyallahu anhum on his way back from the cave of Hira where the revelation took place, nor did he meet Hadrat ‘Ali or Hadrat Uthmaan Radiyallahu anhum. No he went home and recited it to his wife Khadijah Radiyallahu anha and it was to her that he expressed his fears, and it was she who comforted him and believed in him with firm conviction. She was blessed with being the first to accept Islam and she was the first to spend her wealth in the path of Allah. The Prophet sallallaahu ‘alayhim wasallam once conveyed salaams to her which Allah Ta’ala had sent through the Angel Jibraeel. What an honour for women! Even the high stage of being a martyr was first conferred on a woman, Hadrat Sumayyah Radiyallahu anha who was the first to give her life in the cause of Islam. Honours aside, Allah Ta’ala has been Kind and Merciful to His inferior creation in many ways. Men have to attend salaat with congregation at the masjid, having to walk there in all weathers five times a day to get 25 times more reward, while for women Allah Ta’ala made it easy, who get the same reward by performing salaat in the innermost part of their homes. Then there is the fact that a woman does not perform salaat at all during her days of menstruation, yet she gets full reward if she is regular with her salaat in days of purity. Along with being regular with salaat, if a woman fasts in the month of Ramadhaan, protects her chastity and strives to obey her husband, all 8 doors of Janaat are opened for her and she may enter through whichever door she wishes”. Here Shaykh mentions that obedience to the husband does not mean she is the slave and he, the master. Islam has made men and women equal in all matters, i.e. attaining knowledge, worship etc, in fact a woman may even surpass her husband spiritually, and there is no obedience to the husband in the disobedience of Allah. The husband is higher in status as a manager is in an office or a factory where someone has to be in charge. In the home the husband is the king, but the wife is the prime minister who is there to consult with as she is the one who is aware of the needs of the household, the children and the family. She need not worry about earning a living as Allah Ta’ala has taken care of this through first her father, then husband and son and whether she is a daughter, a wife, a mother or a sister, Islam has given her honour and respect”. Should we women not repay Allah Ta’ala for these favours by submitting to Him, loving Him and following His commands? Should we not be proud and honoured to be Muslim women and should we not fulfil the role of the Muslim woman? Posted on www.shaykh.org (Thursday, March 1, 2007)

True story told by Shaykh “Abdul Mohsen al Ahmad”, it happened in... Abha (the capital of Asir province in Saudi Arabia) “After performing Salãt Al Maghrib, she put her make-up, wore her beautiful white dress preparing herself for her wedding party, Then she heard the Azan of ‘Ishã and she realized that she broke her Wudhu she told her mother: “Mother, I have to go to make wudhu and pray ‘Ishã” Her mother was shocked : “Are you crazy?!! Guests are waiting for you, to see you! what about your make -up? It will be all washed away by water!!” then she added: ”I am your mother and I order you not to perform Salãh now! wallahi if you make wudhu now, I will be angry at you” Her daughter replied: ”Wallahi I won’t go out from here till I perform my Salãh! Mother you must know that “There is no obedience to any creature in disobedience to the Creator.”!! Her mother said: “What would our guests say about you when you’ll show up in your wedding party without make-up?! You won’t be beautiful in their eyes! They will make fun of you!” The daughter asked with a smile: “Are you worried because I won’t be beautiful in the eyes of creations? What about my Creator?! I am worried because, if I miss my Salãh, I won’t be beautiful in His eyes” She started to make wudhu, and all her make-up was washed away, but she didn’t care. Then she began her Salãh and at the moment she bowed down to make sujud, she didn’t realize that it will be her last one! Yes! She died while in sujud! What a great ending for a Muslimah who insisted on obeying her Lord! Many people who heard her story were so touched!! She put Him and His obedience first in her priorities, so He granted her the best ending that any Muslim would have! She wanted to be closer to Him, so He took her soul in the place where Muslim are the closest to Him! Subhana Allah! She didn’t care if she would be beautiful in the eyes of creatures so she was beautiful in the eyes of Her Creator! O Muslim sister, imagine if you are in her place! What will you do? What will you choose : pleasing creations or your Creator? O dear sister! Do you guarantee that you will live for the next minutes? Hours? Months?!! No one knows when their hour will come? Or when will they meet angels of death? So are you ready for that moment? O non hijab sister! What do you choose: Pleasing yourself by not wearing Hijãb or pleasing your Lord by wearing hijãb? Are you ready to meet Him without Hijãb? May Allah guide us all to what pleases Him and grant everyone who is reading these lines good ending. Source: ATTARBIYAH (Islamic Tarbiyah Academy)

One should recite the following dua when fearing the enemy: اللَّهُمَّ إِنَّا نَجْعَلُكَ فِي نُحُورِهِمْ وَنَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ شُرُورِهِم O Allāh, we place You at their throats (i.e. we put You in front of them), and we seek Your refuge from their evil عن أبي بردة بن عبد الله، أن أباه حدثه، أن النبي صلى عليه وسلم كان إذا خاف قوما، قال: اللهم إنا نجعلك في نحورهم، ونعوذ بك من شرورهم (سنن أبي داود، الرقم: 1537) Hazrat Abu Musa Ashari (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) would recite the following dua when he feared (the evil of) a group of people: اللَّهُمَّ إِنَّا نَجْعَلُكَ فِي نُحُورِهِمْ وَنَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ شُرُورِهِم ihyaauddeen..co.za