Why fathers are neglected in old age
A must read for all fathers! (and mothers too!) In the lifetime of most Nigerian families (but is now universally applicable), there are 3 dispensations of power:
1) The first 25 years in the life of the family (father, mother, children) where power indisputably rests with the father.
2) After the kids have grown and started working and the power shifts to the mother.
3) When the kids move out of the family house or start their own families and the power moves to the children.
The 1st dispensation Total dominance of the father. He is the lion of the tribe of his house. The boss. During this dispensation, the father rules with an iron fist. He barks orders & determines what does or does not happen. The father often metes out corporal punishment to the recalcitrant children. They grow to fear him more than they love him. The father is the provider for the family & everyone is aware of that fact with all resultant consequences.
The 2nd dispensation The children have finished school and have started working. Power now shifts to the mother. When the children start earning their own money, for some reason, it’s their mothers they decide to look after. They are closer to her. While the father was in charge, he was busy with the business of providing. He didn’t have much time to be a friend to the children. They spent more time with their mum and invariably grew closer to her. They also see their mum as co-victims of the father’s tyranny. The mother takes centre stage at this point. She is the first to know what’s happening with the children & she has advantage. Should any of the daughters give birth, she is the one that goes for babysitting and the children spoil her with gifts. At this stage, the father is wishing for some bond with the children like they have with their mother but that boat has sailed. Because the mother doesn’t rely much on the father for her needs at this stage, she is less likely to tolerate his lordship. The 3rd & last dispensation Power has shifted to the children. They are self-sufficient, live on their own & have own families. More often than not, whenever there is a quarrel between father & mother, the children side the mother. Years of joint-victimhood at play. Children have been known to come to the house to warn their father not to ‘disturb’ their mother. Woe to the father if his finances are precarious at this stage. This causes most men to fall ill & develop different complications. By this time the forces are arrayed against you. Stroke, hypertension, high-blood pressure. The man has a large family but no relationship with them in later life. A deeply troubling thought. Lesson: Moral, dear men, while the power lies with us, let us wield it with posterity in mind. It won’t be with us forever. 1) With the way you are treating your wife now, how will she treat you when power shifts to her? 2) What relationship do you have with your family? Loving dad or despotic, tyrannical provider? 3) Remember, the children always side with their mother. Aim to do enough to at least get a fair hearing in future moments of family strife. 4) Invest wisely for the future so that you won’t have to beg to be taken care of if despite your best efforts, you find yourself alone. Advice to children: It is not good to abandon your father who denied himself to get you prepared for life & who sacrificially sowed to make you who you are. Honour both your parents and take good care of them in their old age. That is how you too will sow into your future. Don’t let neglecting your father (or mother) be a curse on you into your future. Advice to mothers: Don’t incite your children against their father. Parenthood is not easy despite its joys. May Allah Ta’ala help each and every one of us and grant us the correct understanding. Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians
Through Thick and Thin - The wife of Nabi Ayyoob Alayhis salaam The incident of Nabi Ayyoob (‘alaihis salaam) is well known to one and all. Initially, Nabi Ayyoob (‘alaihis salaam) was enjoying great prosperity. He had abundant animals and crops, many children and numerous homes. Allah Ta‘ala then decided to test Nabi Ayyoob (‘alaihis salaam). Hence, he lost all his wealth and even his children. Allah Ta‘ala even tested Nabi Ayyoob (‘alaihis salaam) with an illness that afflicted his entire body. The only two limbs of his body that were spared from this illness were his tongue and his heart. Nevertheless, even in this condition, he would keep his heart and tongue engaged in the remembrance of Allah Ta‘ala. While Nabi Ayyoob (‘alaihis salaam) was patiently enduring this test, most of the people abandoned him, until he was left alone in a corner of the town. However, his loyal wife never left him or abandoned him. She remembered his favour upon her when conditions were favourable, and hence she remained at his side through thick and thin, ever loyal and faithful. She would patiently tend to him and see to all his needs. In some narrations, it has even been mentioned that when her wealth was eventually depleted, she began to carry out domestic work in peoples’ homes in order to earn a living and see to her ailing husband’s needs. Together with this, she had lost her children and her husband was extremely sick. Through all these tests, she remained patient and did not complain, even though she went from a life of comfort and happiness to one of difficulty and sadness. (Al-Bidaayah wan Nihaayah vol. 1 pg. 262) Lessons: 1. The proverb “a friend in need is a friend indeed” is often quoted, highlighting the fact that a true friend is one who will remain with you in difficult times as well as good times. We can well imagine that if such loyalty is expected of a good friend, then what must be the high level of loyalty that is expected of a true spouse? After all, the relationship between the husband and wife far surpasses any friendship! Hence, a true, loyal wife is not one who will abscond to her father’s house when “the goings get tough”. Rather, she will patiently remain with her husband and assist him, to the best of her ability, as she would expect of him had she been in difficulty. 2. Undergoing tests is an unavoidable occurrence in life. We cannot choose the nature or time of our tests – but we can choose to pass the tests. To do so, we will have to hold firmly to sabr (patience) and remain pleased with the decision of Allah Ta‘ala. uswatulmuslimah
HOW CAN I BRING MY SIBLINGS ONTO DEEN?
I have a question regarding practice of Deen. My siblings have stopped praying salaah and deeni activities for two years. Both of them are Haafiz.
It might be that because of all the expectations and judgements that the Muslim community has put on them. No matter what they do no one seems to be happy with them. If my brothers didn’t go to the masjid my dad wouldn’t talk to them for days. I know that my parents were only ever trying to help and nurture us, but sometimes things did get too extreme. I'm scared that if we pressure them too much it will only drive them further away from Deen. Please help me.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We take note of the contents of your email.
It is encouraging to note your passion for Deen and your desire to help your siblings become better Muslims. Make Allāh Ta`ālā help you fulfill this endeavor. Ameen.
Rasulullah Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam has stated in a Hadith,
الشَّبَابَ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الْجُنُونِ
Translation: Adolescence is a branch of insanity.1
Masha-Allah, you realize the importance of helping your brothers overcome the challenges they are currently facing and Insha-Allah your effort will not go in vain. Be confident that by the Will of Allah you will be able to help them. A person in his youth faces many challenges from biological to financial, from family to social. The different feelings tend to cloud their rationale and they end up making serious mistakes. If they are not carefully handled, the mistakes could develop into perpetual habits and thus aggravating the problem. It is the responsibility of seniors to bring balance in their lives and use diplomacy and wisdom in doing so.
What you state regarding your siblings is a typical conduct of a youth.
We advise you to adopt the following ways:
· Speak to them with a soft tone, respect and dignity. They may feel they deserve to be talked to with respect and not be scolded at every time.
· Keep a very friendly and positive attitude towards them and hopefully this will soften their hearts towards you and they will be more willing to listen to you. Allow them to confide in you and share their sentiments with you;
· It may be that your siblings feel lonely, deserted and abandoned. Spend quality time with them and bond with them.
· Encourage them with wisdom and remind them that the doors of mercy are always open and true happiness lies in the Akhirah.
· You seem to have a very good relationship with your parents. Try to contribute to a change in your parent’s mindset. Consider the following advice narrated by Faqeehul Ummah Hazrat Mufti Mahmood Saheb Gangohi Rahimahullah of Hazrat Moulana Maseehullah Khan Saheb Rahimahullah,
Nowadays parents should behave towards their children as children. Father should act as a son; not with the awe and fear of yesteryear. He should deal with love, tenderness and affection…. ‘Son it is time for the meals.... son it is time for bed, etc. These are all request; as if one brother is talking to another; for the era of dictating and commanding are over (Ashraf’s Blessings, Page 369)
· While you may witness them demonstrating unsuitable behaviour and reacting unjustifiably, console them and show your sisterly love and affection to them. Try to diagnose the cause of their behaviour.
· Spend family time together for example, have meals together and have common and light hearted conversations.
· Also go out as a family and spend quality time.
· Most important of all, family members should show love and affection to each other.
· Turn to Allah and make Dua for love and muhabbat in the family. Request your parents to do the same as well.
Through patience and perseverance, your siblings will come around and learn to establish a strong connection with Allah Ta'ālā. Insha Allāh. Keep hope in Allah and your efforts will be appreciated by Allah.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
مسند الشهاب القضاعي- مؤسسة الرسالة (1/ 100) 1
أَخْبَرَنَا الْقَاضِي أَبُو مُحَمَّدٍ عَبْدُ الْكَرِيمِ بْنُ الْمُنْتَصِرِ، بِإِسْنَادِهِ الْمُقَدَّمُ ذِكْرُهُ فِي الْجُزْءِ الْأَوَّلِ، عَنْ زَيْدِ بْنِ خَالِدٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ أَنَّهُ قَالَ فِي الْخُطْبَةِ الطَّوِيلَةِ الَّتِي فِيهَا «الشَّبَابُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الْجُنُونِ» ، وَمَا ذَكَرَ مَعَهُ
اعتلال القلوب للخرائطي- نزار مصطفى الباز (1/ 103)
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ أَحْمَدُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ غَالِبٍ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ عُبَيْدٍ الْمَدَنِيُّ، وَعَبْدُ الْعَزِيزِ بْنُ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ نَافِعٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ مُصْعَبِ بْنِ خَالِدِ بْنِ يَزِيدَ بْنِ خَالِدِ بْنِ الْجُهَنِيِّ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ جَدِّهِ زَيْدِ بْنِ خَالِدٍ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «الشَّبَابُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الْجُنُونِ، وَالنِّسَاءُ حِبَالَةُ الشَّيْطَانِ
المقاصد الحسنة (ص: 401)- دار الكتاب العربي
حَدِيث: الشَّبَابُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الْجُنُونِ، وَالنِّسَاءُ حِبَالَةُ الشَّيْطَانِ، أبو نُعيم في الحلية عن عبد الرحمن بن عابس، وابن لال عن ابن مسعود، والديلمي عن عبد اللَّه بن عامر في حديث طويل، والتيمي في ترغيبه عن زيد بن خالد، كلهم مرفوعا به، وحبالة بالكسر هو ما يصاد به من أي شيء كان، وجمعه حبائل، والرواية به أكثر أي مصائده، ولا ينافيه ما روينا عن سفيان الثوري من قوله: يا معشر الشباب عليكم بقيام الليل، فإنما الخير في الشباب، لكونه محلا للقوة، والنشاط غالبا، ومن شواهد الحديث: عجب ربك من شاب ليست له صبوة، وسيأتي
الجامع الصغير وزيادته (ص: 7171، بترقيم الشاملة آليا)
الخرائطي فِي اعتلال الْقُلُوب) عَن زيد بن خالد الجهني.( الشَّبَابُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الجُنُونِ وَالنِّسَاءُ حُبَالَةُ الشَّيْطَانِ
By Bint e Aisha
Persevering through Family Pressure
Alhamdulillah, I was born to loving parents who made a change in their lives – change for Deen to become the objective of their lives and the lives of their progeny till Qiyaamah. So with the grace and mercy of Allah Ta‘ala, I did not face any challenge within my home, as the environment in our home had already been created and was an environment of Deen and the sunnah.
But yes, I did face many challenges. Most of us do at some point in our lives, and maybe we face the hardest challenges (when it comes to hijaab and niqaab) with our own family and relatives.
Although I grew up with some of my cousins, my siblings and I were always different (we did not go to every place that they went to and we did not do everything they did). We dressed differently, our lifestyles were different and we were home schooled.
Being little, we played together, we prayed together and weekends were spent together (but my parents did not compromise on the manner in which they were raising us). But things began to change when we reached pre-teens…
I started wearing the niqaab early, before salaah etc. became fardh on me, and it was entirely my own choice to do so. Initially, I even felt like I couldn’t breathe with my niqaab and felt extremely hot in it! Alhamdulillah, about ten months later, I began making purdah (not interacting with and remaining concealed) from boy cousins, non-mahram uncles and all non-mahram men, only with the favour of my Rabb.
Some would make it a point of discussing certain places or topics which they knew would make me feel totally uncomfortable! They would comment on the modest dressing of myself or my siblings. I became a stranger to them, as if I was an alien from mars! Just because I did not allow a photograph of myself to be taken or I did not take photos myself... Just because I wore a burqa over my cloak... Just because I made purdah from boy cousins...
It hurt... They were not making fun of me. To me, they were making fun of Deen. May Allah Ta‘ala protect and save us all and our progeny till Qiyaamah, aameen.
There were naturally many braais, family functions, engagements, weddings, etc. which we did not attend as our purdah would have definitely been compromised. Grandparents and relatives would become upset and we were made to feel as if we were in the wrong. However, time passes.
Eventually, grandparents and relatives came to realize that I was not trying to practice on Deen because of my father. I don’t know why some people feel that my loving father was strict in the way he brought me up. If a child’s upbringing is on Deen and the sunnah, why is it regarded as strict? To me, it is pure and true love, as my parents are making an effort to protect me from so many evils and are concerned about my Aakhirah which is everlasting!
We often face the challenge: The happiness of family vs The happiness of Allah Ta‘ala.
Regarding this challenge, I always think of this hadeeth, which I have heard or read in ta’leem: ‘Aaishah (radhiyallahu ‘anha) narrates that Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said something to this effect: “He who seeks Allah Ta‘ala’s pleasure at the cost of people’s anger, Allah will suffice him against the trouble caused by people, and he who seeks the pleasure of people at the cost of Allah’s anger, Allah will leave him to the people.” (Sunan Tirmizi #2414)
Sometimes or many a times, we are made to feel like strangers for practicing on Deen and adhering to the sunnah. May Allah Ta‘ala bless us with the glad tidings of our beloved Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) who said, “Islam had commenced like a stranger in the world (outwardly seeming like the odd one out in society), and soon before Qiyaamah, Islam will again be seen as a stranger (among the people). Glad tidings be for those who are regarded as strangers (on account of them remaining steadfast on Deen).” (Saheeh Muslim #372)
Alhamdulillah when there is a good environment at home, and the father and mother are on the same Deeni wavelength, then it becomes easy and natural for the children to practice Deen. I can only thank Allah Ta‘ala for the decisions my loving parents made. I do not feel like I was deprived of anything! The first step of doing any good is hard – like the feeling of not being able to breathe the first few times I wore my purdah!
Once, I attended a ta’leem programme for young girls. The ‘Aalim that addressed us from behind the screen mentioned, “When we take a step to obey or get closer to Allah Ta‘ala, our battle with Shaitaan starts. All along he was not worried about us, but when we decide to make Deen and the sunnah our objective, he will try harder to dissuade us from achieving our goal.”
Beloved sister! Maybe you are not wearing the niqaab and making purdah, but just respect the girl or woman who is. Make it easy for her to remain committed to Deen and her purdah. Encourage her – tell her that you admire her for taking a step closer to Allah Ta‘ala.
O Allah! Bless us all with true modesty and chastity and fill our entire being with noor and hayaa. O Allah! Give us the courage to do good and the strength to stay away from all types of evil, aameen.
Is it wrong to cry over the deceased?
Please clarify if someone cannot control his tears while remembering his beloved child who has passed away, is there anything wrong with this? I have read that when tears flow, it is a kind of mercy from Allah and it is not haram.
Crying over a deceased is certainly allowed. There were numerous instances wherein Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) himself cried over a deceased or someone who was in the throes of death. Among them are the following:
1) Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (radiyallahu ‘anhu) says,
“We visited Abu Sayf, the blacksmith, with Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). He was the father of the wet-nurse of Ibrahim [the son of Nabi -sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam-].
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) held Ibrahim, kissed him and smelt him. Then later we visited him when Ibrahim was breathing his last. The eyes of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) began to flow with tears. Sayyiduna ‘Abdur Rahman ibn ‘Awf (radiyallahu ‘anhu) asked [out of astonishment], ‘Even you, O Rasulullah!’ [Why are you crying?]
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, ‘O Ibn ‘Awf, it is mercy.’ Then more tears followed and he said, ‘The eye weeps and the heart grieves and we say nothing except what pleases our Rabb. O Ibrahim, we are grieved at your departure.”
(Sahih Bukhari, Hadith: 1303 and Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 2315 with variation in the wording)
2) Sayyiduna Usamah ibn Zayd (radiyallahu ‘anhu) reports, “The daughter [Zaynab -radiyallahu ‘anha] of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) sent a message to him saying, ‘One of my sons is in the throes of death, so come.’
He sent his greetings to her and said, ‘Indeed what Allah takes is his and what He gives is his. Everything has a fixed term with Him, so she should adopt patience and anticipate reward.’
She again sent for him taking an oath that he should certainly come. He got up with Sa’d ibn ‘Ubadah, Mu’adh ibn Jabal, Ubayy ibn Ka’b, Zayd ibn Thabit and some other men (radiyallahu ‘anhum).The child was brought to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and he was shuddering. (I think he said, “Like an old water skin.”). Nabi (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)’s eyes began flowing with tears. Sa’d (radiyallahu ‘anhu) said, ‘O Rasulullah, what is this?’
He said, ‘This is mercy which Allah has put in the hearts of His slaves. Allah is merciful to His slaves who are merciful [to others].”
(Sahih Bukhari, Hadith: 1284 and Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 923)
3) Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Umar (radiyallahu ‘anhuma) reports, “Sa’d ibn ‘Ubadah fell ill. So Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), came to visit him with ‘Abdur Rahman ibn ‘Awf, Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqas and ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud (radiyallahu ‘anhum). When he arrived, he found him surrounded by his family and asked, ‘Has he passed away?’ They said, ‘No, O Rasulullah’.
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) then began to weep. When the people saw Nabi (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) weeping, they also wept.
Nabi (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) then said, ‘Listen, Allah does not punish for the tears of the eyes nor for the sorrow of the heart, but he punishes or shows mercy on account of this,’ and he pointed to his tongue”
(Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 924 and Sahih Bukhari, with slight addition in the wording, Hadith: 1304)
The above narrations illustrate the permissibility of crying over a deceased as well as when remembering the deceased.
However wailing and screaming has been prohibited, as explained in the following Hadiths:
1) Sayyiduna ‘Umar (radiyallahu ‘anhu) reports that Nabi (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“The deceased is punished in his grave for the wailing done over him.”
(Sahih Bukhari, Hadith: 1292 and Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 927)
2) Sayyiduna ‘Umar (radiyallahu ‘anhu) said, Leave [the daughters of Khalid ibn Walid -radiyallahu ‘anhu] to cry over him, as long as they do not throw sand on their heads or shout.
(Sub heading of Sahih Bukhari, before Hadith: 1291)
And Allah Ta’ala Knows best.
Answered by: Moulana Suhail Motala
Approved by: Moulana Muhammad Abasoomar
Checked by: Moulana Haroon Abasoomar