By Bint e Aisha
10 Valuable Points for Happy Marriage
1. Both spouses should have the Fear of Allah. Allah consciousness is the core of a successful marriage.
2. Both spouses should never be angry at the same time.
3. There are sometimes arguments between spouses. If one has to win the argument, let it be the other. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Let him/her win the argument.
4. Both spouses should never shout at each other unless ‘the house is on fire!’.
5. If you have to criticise, then do it lovingly, with wisdom and diplomacy. Be a mirror to your husband/wife.
6. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
7. You should neglect the whole world, rather than your marriage partner.
8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled.
9. At least once a day express your gratitude to your partner.
10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness. Do not justify your wrongs.
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Mahmood | darulmahmood.net
By Bint e Aisha
In Islam is any sort of relationship allowed between the sexes before marriage? I was approached by an older cousin who loves me very much but marriage is impossible for the next few years due to my age and the circumstances. I did not think that a secret affair would be right so I have since turned him down. He claimed that to love is not a sin only under some rules and regulations given by Islam. Was I right in refusing him even though I liked him a lot? And is it haraam upon me to think about/remember him? Jazakallahkhair.
Wa 'Alaykum-us-Salaam wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh.
1) Islam does not permit any sort of relationship before marriage. Islam forbids fornication, and all actions that could lead to it eventually, and this begins by speaking and looking. This is the unique Islamic way of destroying evil from the root.
2) He claims to love you very much, but if you are not considering marriage, it would be best for you to let go of the idea. It is worth considering, that what the youth of today see as undying love, is many a time nothing more than infatuation and puppy love. True love is the mutual feeling that Allaah creates between man and woman through the Barakah of Nikaah. You are still young, and your outlook in life, and your likes and dislikes will vastly change over the next few years. At this stage, you cannot be sure that this is what you want for life. It would be best for you to forget about him, and ask him to forget about you. If you are written for each other, let it happen at the right time, and in the right manner. Do not force your destiny to unfold before its time.
3) Your refusal of pursuing a Haraam (illicit) relationship, was the right and Islamic thing to do, which most certainly earned you the pleasure of Allaah, inshaAllaah.
4) Thinking about a non-mahram (strange) man voluntarily, is a sin. However if these thoughts come involuntarily, banish them immediately, seek forgiveness and make the Zhikr of Allaah. If you entertain them you shall be sinful.
And Allaah knows best.
A. Z. Pandor
Taken from: Muftisays
Absolute Submission Sayyiduna Mugheerah bin Shu’bah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) reports the following incident: On one occasion, I sent a proposal to marry a girl of the Ansaar. When I mentioned this to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), he asked me, “Did you see the girl?” When I replied in the negative, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) recommended to me, “Look at her, for it is more likely that there will be affection and love between you (i.e. if you marry her after looking at her and finding her pleasing to your eye, there will be a greater chance of your marriage prospering).” I thus proceeded to the girl’s home and told her parents what Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) had mentioned. Hearing that I wanted to look at their daughter, the parents were reluctant. Hence, I stood and began to leave their home. As I was leaving, the girl asked her parents to call me back. When I returned, she stood at the edge of the curtain and said, “If Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) instructed you to look at me then I permit you to do so. If not, then I strictly forbid you to look at me.” Accordingly, I looked at her and married her. Subsequently, she was extremely beloved to me and honoured in my sight. (Ibnun Najjaar – Kanzul ‘Ummaal #45619) Lessons: 1. The hayaa (modesty) of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) and their protectiveness over their womenfolk was such that the parents of the girl were initially reluctant when Sayyiduna Mugheerah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) asked to see their daughter. Similarly, until she learnt that it was the instruction of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), the daughter was not prepared to allow any strange man to look at her. 2. The Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) were blessed with the quality of absolute submission before the instruction of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Hence, they always put their own intellect, understanding and emotion aside and completely complied with the wishes and desires of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), understanding that this was the key to success in both worlds. Similarly, if we wish true happiness and success, we will have to adhere strictly to the teachings of Deen. 3. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) has taught us the guidelines that need to be adhered to regarding marriage, and has told us that following these guidelines are the key to a prosperous marriage. Hence, if we surpass the bounds of shari‘ah and begin to engage in impermissible practices, such as the boy and girl communicating or even dating before marriage, we will lose the barakah (blessings) and help of Allah Ta‘ala which is essential for the marriage to prosper. Thus, we should always refer to the ‘Ulama to find out the limits of shari‘ah so that we can ensure that we remain within the parameters of Deen. uswatulmuslimah
An Important Lesson for Married Couples This post is primarily directed at men. However, it applies to women also. Once a man approached a scholar renowned for his profound wisdom and experience, to complain to him, saying, “When I was fascinated by my wife, she was in my sight, the most beautiful thing in this world ever created by Allah.” “When I proposed to her, I began to see others equal to her in beauty.” “When I married her, I saw many others who were more elegant than her!” “A few years after our marriage, it appears to me as though all the women of this world are more classic and more sophisticated than my wife!” The wise man: “Shall I tell you what is more disastrous and more bitter?” The man replied: “Yes.” The wise man: “Were you to marry all the women in this world, you will find the stray dogs on the highways more attractive than all the women of the world!” The man: “Why do you say so?” The wise man: “Because the problem is not with your wife. The problem is, if a person were gifted a covetous heart and lustful eyes, and he is lacking in bashfulness, nothing satisfies his gaze except the sand of his grave. Your problem is that you do not lower your gaze from what Allah has prohibited. Do you want your wife to be returned to her previous lofty position as the most beautiful woman on earth? The man: “Yes.” The wise man: “Lower your gaze. Allah says, “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.” That which is not in your possession will always appear to you to be better and more precious than what is in your possession. But once you lay your hands on it, it becomes ordinary. Be content with what you possess and do not be selfish, courting all that glitter till you land in your grave. The worship of Allah is better and more attractive. The sweetness of good deeds are only appreciated by those who live for it. Finally, do not forget to invoke Allah to always beautify your spouse in your sight and grant you his or her love and compassion. Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians
ANY DUA TO AVOID DISPUTES WITH MY HUSBAND?
Is there good easy Duaa/wazeefa to prevent fights? And ease of mind of my husband as well as to move forward from repeated thoughts?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
You have referred to three issues,
a. Dua to prevent fights
b. Ease of mind
c. Move forward from repeated thoughts
Fights are the consequence of one not expressing restraint and controlling one’s anger. In order, to prevent fights one should learn how to exercise restraint and control one’s anger. Dua alone is not sufficient to control one’s anger. If there is a raging fire, one needs to put off the fire. One cannot sit back and simply make dua without the aid of water or fire extinguisher. In fact, when there is fear of fire, arrangement is made for a water hose or fire extinguisher within one’s reach. Likewise, one needs to equip oneself with the necessary skills to overcome and combat anger. This requires spiritual and internal training by oneself or through a spiritual guide.
A Sahabi requested Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam for advice. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said, لَا تَغْضَبْ . He repeated this advice three times. If one does not exercise restraint and control ones anger, he will be forced to tolerate more than the discomfort of anger later. We advise you to inculcate skills of containing your anger. This would be achieved by a spiritual guide.
Also make dua to Allah for tolerance.
رَبَّنَا أَفْرِغْ عَلَيْنَا صَبْرًا وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ
Our Lord, pour upon us patience and plant firmly our feet and give us victory over the disbelieving people.” [2:250]
The following marriage recipe of 10 points will be useful.
1. Fear Allah:
It was the noble practice of Nabi (SAW) to conscientise the spouses about the fear for Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Qur’aan. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.
2. Never be angry at the same time:
Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (SAW) and sought some advice.
Rasulullah (SAW) replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered three times. (Mishkaat pg.433; HM Saeed)
3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other:
Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah. (Ibid pg.412)
4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire:
Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said:” and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey”. (Surah Luqman v19)
5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly:
Rasulullah (SAW) said, ‘A Mu’ min is a mirror for a Mu’min.’ (Abu Dawood vol.2 pg.325; Imdadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.
6. Never bring up mistakes of the past:
Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyaamah.” (Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)
7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:
Nabi (SAW) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA] for neglecting his wife. “Verily there is a right of your wife over you.” (Nasai Hadith2391)
8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled:
Abu Bakr [RA] resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)
9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner:
Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.’ (Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)
10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness:
Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘All the sons of Aadam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.’ (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.