An Important Lesson for Married Couples This post is primarily directed at men. However, it applies to women also. Once a man approached a scholar renowned for his profound wisdom and experience, to complain to him, saying, “When I was fascinated by my wife, she was in my sight, the most beautiful thing in this world ever created by Allah.” “When I proposed to her, I began to see others equal to her in beauty.” “When I married her, I saw many others who were more elegant than her!” “A few years after our marriage, it appears to me as though all the women of this world are more classic and more sophisticated than my wife!” The wise man: “Shall I tell you what is more disastrous and more bitter?” The man replied: “Yes.” The wise man: “Were you to marry all the women in this world, you will find the stray dogs on the highways more attractive than all the women of the world!” The man: “Why do you say so?” The wise man: “Because the problem is not with your wife. The problem is, if a person were gifted a covetous heart and lustful eyes, and he is lacking in bashfulness, nothing satisfies his gaze except the sand of his grave. Your problem is that you do not lower your gaze from what Allah has prohibited. Do you want your wife to be returned to her previous lofty position as the most beautiful woman on earth? The man: “Yes.” The wise man: “Lower your gaze. Allah says, “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.” That which is not in your possession will always appear to you to be better and more precious than what is in your possession. But once you lay your hands on it, it becomes ordinary. Be content with what you possess and do not be selfish, courting all that glitter till you land in your grave. The worship of Allah is better and more attractive. The sweetness of good deeds are only appreciated by those who live for it. Finally, do not forget to invoke Allah to always beautify your spouse in your sight and grant you his or her love and compassion. Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians
ANY DUA TO AVOID DISPUTES WITH MY HUSBAND?
Is there good easy Duaa/wazeefa to prevent fights? And ease of mind of my husband as well as to move forward from repeated thoughts?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
You have referred to three issues,
a. Dua to prevent fights
b. Ease of mind
c. Move forward from repeated thoughts
Fights are the consequence of one not expressing restraint and controlling one’s anger. In order, to prevent fights one should learn how to exercise restraint and control one’s anger. Dua alone is not sufficient to control one’s anger. If there is a raging fire, one needs to put off the fire. One cannot sit back and simply make dua without the aid of water or fire extinguisher. In fact, when there is fear of fire, arrangement is made for a water hose or fire extinguisher within one’s reach. Likewise, one needs to equip oneself with the necessary skills to overcome and combat anger. This requires spiritual and internal training by oneself or through a spiritual guide.
A Sahabi requested Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam for advice. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said, لَا تَغْضَبْ . He repeated this advice three times. If one does not exercise restraint and control ones anger, he will be forced to tolerate more than the discomfort of anger later. We advise you to inculcate skills of containing your anger. This would be achieved by a spiritual guide.
Also make dua to Allah for tolerance.
رَبَّنَا أَفْرِغْ عَلَيْنَا صَبْرًا وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ
Our Lord, pour upon us patience and plant firmly our feet and give us victory over the disbelieving people.” [2:250]
The following marriage recipe of 10 points will be useful.
1. Fear Allah:
It was the noble practice of Nabi (SAW) to conscientise the spouses about the fear for Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Qur’aan. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.
2. Never be angry at the same time:
Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (SAW) and sought some advice.
Rasulullah (SAW) replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered three times. (Mishkaat pg.433; HM Saeed)
3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other:
Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah. (Ibid pg.412)
4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire:
Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said:” and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey”. (Surah Luqman v19)
5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly:
Rasulullah (SAW) said, ‘A Mu’ min is a mirror for a Mu’min.’ (Abu Dawood vol.2 pg.325; Imdadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.
6. Never bring up mistakes of the past:
Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyaamah.” (Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)
7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:
Nabi (SAW) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA] for neglecting his wife. “Verily there is a right of your wife over you.” (Nasai Hadith2391)
8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled:
Abu Bakr [RA] resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)
9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner:
Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.’ (Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)
10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness:
Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘All the sons of Aadam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.’ (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
Question and Answer: Q. As is common knowledge there are many ahadith with regard to importance and the obligation of keeping family ties in Islam. Does this also apply with regard to all in-laws such as keeping family ties with father in law , mother in law, brother in law, sister in law, son in law, daughter in law etc. Are the keeping of such ties obligatory on a Muslim and/or If such ties are broken will it earn the displeasure of Allah Rabbul Aalameen. And does it apply to the one who breaks such ties or to all parties concerned. Also this does not create a good environment and makes it difficult for the family member that is married to maintain good family ties. Also what does keeping family ties actually entail. Understandably the relationship is not the same as a blood relationship. Merely greeting for the sake of doing so when meeting by chance or at a function for the sake of pretense in public and avoiding the inlaws as far as possible. Does that mean the ties are broken or maintained. Jazaak Allah Khair, Your Brother in Islam. (Question shortened and published) A. The obligation of maintaining family ties does not extend to one’s in-laws. It rather refers to one’s own family. Nonetheless, a good relationship with one’s in-laws is still important as it impacts on the husband’s relationship with his wife and his children. If the relationship with the in-laws sours then the marriage will not be left unscathed. In most relations in life, a level of patience and tolerance is required. Life is not hiccup-free. When considering the issues you have with your in-laws and how to deal with them, reverse the situation in your mind and imagine your wife in your position having to deal with the same issues with your family. The manner in which you think it appropriate for her to deal with your family is the manner in which you should deal with your in-laws (Do note that a man's sister-in-law is not his Mahram, hence purdah should be maintained between them.) At the end of the day, we all are human which, by default, means that we are flawed. Hence, it is to be expected that someone would say or do something inappropriate or behave in an unbecoming manner. When Allah Ta'ala speaks of the righteous, He says, “Those who give (in charity) in times of both ease and hardship, those who suppress their anger and forgive others; and Allah loves those who do good.” (Surah 3, Verse 134) In this verse, there is a subtle indication that we will be faced with situations that anger and infuriate us, that try our patience and that we will have to deal with people who will offend us. For only if this happens will we be able to gain the virtue of suppressing our anger and forgiving others. We should also consider that our in-laws have given their daughter and their sister to be under our care, to be of assistance to us, to be our partners and faithful companions and to be the mothers of our children. They will be the grandparents, uncles and aunts of our children who will love and care for them. If we cannot have patience with our in-laws and forgive their mistakes, then who will have patience with and who will we forgive? Yes, there are times when the situation becomes really intolerable and to associate with our in-laws only results in misery. In such situations, a cooling of relations is in order and a superficial relationship of merely greeting and exchanging pleasantries when necessary is acceptable. But this is generally not the case. We must ask ourselves, how much have we implemented patience and forgiveness in our relationships with them? Unfortunately, there are many people who are quick to anger and slow to forgive. Yet, the Sunnah of our beloved master, Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam was that he was slow to anger and quick to forgive; a practice that everyone of us, husbands, wives and in-laws, should strive to inculcate in our lives. If we do this, then we will undoubtedly save many marriages from the problems and heartache that they currently face. And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
Mufti Moosa Salie Confirmation: Mufti Ismaeel Bassa (The answer hereby given is specifically based on the question asked and should be read together with the question asked. Islamic rulings on this Q&A newsletter are answered in accordance to the Hanafi Fiqh unless otherwise stated.) Fatwa Department
Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians