The Spouse’s Role in Encouraging Obedience to Allah Ta'ala in Marriage

[ummtaalib]

Nasihah (Advice): The man is responsible for his family

 

Sayyiduna Abdullah Ibn Umar Radiyallahu anhuma reported that Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, "Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. The man is a shepherd over his family and is responsible for them..." (Sahih Bukhari)

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Question and Answer:

 

Q. I understand that when a man gets married, he becomes responsible for his wife and children — guiding them away from sin and encouraging them to do good. If he neglects this responsibility, he himself can be sinful.

 

My question is: how often should a husband advise his wife if he notices her committing sins — whether minor or major? For example, let’s say during the engagement or early stages of marriage, he didn’t notice these things, but they gradually became apparent over time.

 

Should he advise her once and leave it at that, or keep reminding her regularly? I’m concerned that constant reminders might come across as nagging, and cause her to resent me.

 

(Question published as received)

 

A. As a couple, it is crucial to understand that marriage is not merely a worldly bond, but a sacred partnership aimed at drawing closer to Allah Ta’ala. Just as two people build a home together, they must also build their spiritual path together — encouraging each other to increase in goodness (khayr), remain steadfast in obedience, and seek nearness to Allah through love, forgiveness, and Taqwa.

 

This mutual journey must be based on patience, mercy, and constant growth. Both husband and wife will falter at times, but what matters is returning to Allah Ta’ala together.

 

Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said: "Every child of Adam commits sins, and the best of those who sin, are those who repent." (Tirmidhī, #2499)

 

No one is free from mistakes — not the husband, not the wife. What distinguishes the righteous is not perfection, but a heart that constantly turns back to Allah in istighfaar (seeking forgiveness) and Tawbah (repentance).

 

Encouraging one another to seek Allah Ta’ala's forgiveness regularly brings Barakah and purification into the home.

 

Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has stated: "Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. The man is a shepherd over his family and is responsible for them..." (Saheeh Bukhari #893)

 

As a husband, your role is not only to provide and protect, but to guide and nurture. If you see your wife committing errors — whether minor or major — it becomes part of your amaanah (trust) to lovingly advise her.

 

How Often Should You Advise Her?

 

This is a matter that requires wisdom (Hikmah), balance, and deep understanding.

 

1. Advise Gradually and Gently

• Do not overwhelm her with frequent criticism.
• Instead, correct gently, in private, with kind words.
• Choose the right time — when she is calm, open, and receptive.

Allah Ta’ala says: "Call to the way of your Rabb with wisdom and good instruction and argue with them in the best manner." (Surah an-Nahl, 16:125)

 

If the mistake is minor, consider whether it is best to advise directly or indirectly through your actions and encouragement.

 

If it is major, then your duty is greater — but still the approach should be with love and genuine care, not harshness.

 

2. Lead by Personal Example

 

Often, the most effective form of dawah is to embody the values you wish to see.

• Be punctual in your Salaah, speak with kindness, and show patience and gratitude.
• Avoid sins yourself and always seek Allah Ta’ala’s forgiveness openly — this will inspire her.

Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said: "The best of you is the best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives." (Tirmidhi, #3895)

 

3. Make Sincere Du’a for Her

 

Hearts are in the control of Allah Ta’ala, not in our hands. If you truly want her to change, do not rely only on words — speak to Allah Ta’ala about her more than you speak to her about Allah Ta’ala.

 

4. Avoid Becoming a Nagging Figure

 

You are right to be concerned about becoming someone she resents. If reminders become too frequent or forceful, they may push her away instead of pulling her closer.

 

Balance between:

• Silent patience
• Gentle reminders
• Loving praise when she does well
• Encouragement in shared spiritual goals

Conclusion:

 

Build a marriage where Taqwa and mercy live side by side. Your goal is not to “fix” your wife, but to grow together in faith. Mistakes will happen, but always choose mercy over anger, love over pressure, and Du’aa over despair.

 

Note: The above advice can also be applied for a wife advising her husband.

 

And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best

 

Mufti Muhammed Hamza Farooqui

Mufti Taahir Hansa

 

(The answer hereby given is specifically based on the question asked and should be read together with the question asked. Islamic rulings on this Q&A newsletter are answered in accordance to the Hanafi Fiqh unless otherwise stated.) 

 

 

Fatwa Department
Jamiatul Ulama (KZN) 
Council of Muslim Theologians