Absolute Submission Sayyiduna Mugheerah bin Shu’bah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) reports the following incident: On one occasion, I sent a proposal to marry a girl of the Ansaar. When I mentioned this to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), he asked me, “Did you see the girl?” When I replied in the negative, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) recommended to me, “Look at her, for it is more likely that there will be affection and love between you (i.e. if you marry her after looking at her and finding her pleasing to your eye, there will be a greater chance of your marriage prospering).” I thus proceeded to the girl’s home and told her parents what Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) had mentioned. Hearing that I wanted to look at their daughter, the parents were reluctant. Hence, I stood and began to leave their home. As I was leaving, the girl asked her parents to call me back. When I returned, she stood at the edge of the curtain and said, “If Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) instructed you to look at me then I permit you to do so. If not, then I strictly forbid you to look at me.” Accordingly, I looked at her and married her. Subsequently, she was extremely beloved to me and honoured in my sight. (Ibnun Najjaar – Kanzul ‘Ummaal #45619) Lessons: 1. The hayaa (modesty) of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) and their protectiveness over their womenfolk was such that the parents of the girl were initially reluctant when Sayyiduna Mugheerah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) asked to see their daughter. Similarly, until she learnt that it was the instruction of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), the daughter was not prepared to allow any strange man to look at her. 2. The Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) were blessed with the quality of absolute submission before the instruction of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Hence, they always put their own intellect, understanding and emotion aside and completely complied with the wishes and desires of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), understanding that this was the key to success in both worlds. Similarly, if we wish true happiness and success, we will have to adhere strictly to the teachings of Deen. 3. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) has taught us the guidelines that need to be adhered to regarding marriage, and has told us that following these guidelines are the key to a prosperous marriage. Hence, if we surpass the bounds of shari‘ah and begin to engage in impermissible practices, such as the boy and girl communicating or even dating before marriage, we will lose the barakah (blessings) and help of Allah Ta‘ala which is essential for the marriage to prosper. Thus, we should always refer to the ‘Ulama to find out the limits of shari‘ah so that we can ensure that we remain within the parameters of Deen. uswatulmuslimah
An Important Lesson for Married Couples This post is primarily directed at men. However, it applies to women also. Once a man approached a scholar renowned for his profound wisdom and experience, to complain to him, saying, “When I was fascinated by my wife, she was in my sight, the most beautiful thing in this world ever created by Allah.” “When I proposed to her, I began to see others equal to her in beauty.” “When I married her, I saw many others who were more elegant than her!” “A few years after our marriage, it appears to me as though all the women of this world are more classic and more sophisticated than my wife!” The wise man: “Shall I tell you what is more disastrous and more bitter?” The man replied: “Yes.” The wise man: “Were you to marry all the women in this world, you will find the stray dogs on the highways more attractive than all the women of the world!” The man: “Why do you say so?” The wise man: “Because the problem is not with your wife. The problem is, if a person were gifted a covetous heart and lustful eyes, and he is lacking in bashfulness, nothing satisfies his gaze except the sand of his grave. Your problem is that you do not lower your gaze from what Allah has prohibited. Do you want your wife to be returned to her previous lofty position as the most beautiful woman on earth? The man: “Yes.” The wise man: “Lower your gaze. Allah says, “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.” That which is not in your possession will always appear to you to be better and more precious than what is in your possession. But once you lay your hands on it, it becomes ordinary. Be content with what you possess and do not be selfish, courting all that glitter till you land in your grave. The worship of Allah is better and more attractive. The sweetness of good deeds are only appreciated by those who live for it. Finally, do not forget to invoke Allah to always beautify your spouse in your sight and grant you his or her love and compassion. Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians
By Bint e Aisha
When Desire Takes Over: Advice For College & University Students
by Mawlana Abdus Subhan Dalvi
ANY DUA TO AVOID DISPUTES WITH MY HUSBAND?
Is there good easy Duaa/wazeefa to prevent fights? And ease of mind of my husband as well as to move forward from repeated thoughts?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
You have referred to three issues,
a. Dua to prevent fights
b. Ease of mind
c. Move forward from repeated thoughts
Fights are the consequence of one not expressing restraint and controlling one’s anger. In order, to prevent fights one should learn how to exercise restraint and control one’s anger. Dua alone is not sufficient to control one’s anger. If there is a raging fire, one needs to put off the fire. One cannot sit back and simply make dua without the aid of water or fire extinguisher. In fact, when there is fear of fire, arrangement is made for a water hose or fire extinguisher within one’s reach. Likewise, one needs to equip oneself with the necessary skills to overcome and combat anger. This requires spiritual and internal training by oneself or through a spiritual guide.
A Sahabi requested Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam for advice. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said, لَا تَغْضَبْ . He repeated this advice three times. If one does not exercise restraint and control ones anger, he will be forced to tolerate more than the discomfort of anger later. We advise you to inculcate skills of containing your anger. This would be achieved by a spiritual guide.
Also make dua to Allah for tolerance.
رَبَّنَا أَفْرِغْ عَلَيْنَا صَبْرًا وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ
Our Lord, pour upon us patience and plant firmly our feet and give us victory over the disbelieving people.” [2:250]
The following marriage recipe of 10 points will be useful.
1. Fear Allah:
It was the noble practice of Nabi (SAW) to conscientise the spouses about the fear for Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Qur’aan. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.
2. Never be angry at the same time:
Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (SAW) and sought some advice.
Rasulullah (SAW) replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered three times. (Mishkaat pg.433; HM Saeed)
3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other:
Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah. (Ibid pg.412)
4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire:
Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said:” and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey”. (Surah Luqman v19)
5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly:
Rasulullah (SAW) said, ‘A Mu’ min is a mirror for a Mu’min.’ (Abu Dawood vol.2 pg.325; Imdadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.
6. Never bring up mistakes of the past:
Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyaamah.” (Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)
7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:
Nabi (SAW) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA] for neglecting his wife. “Verily there is a right of your wife over you.” (Nasai Hadith2391)
8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled:
Abu Bakr [RA] resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)
9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner:
Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.’ (Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)
10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness:
Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘All the sons of Aadam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.’ (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.