The notion that adults, and in particular, parents and caregivers, are to be unequivocally trusted is something that most young children naively believe, unless or until that trust is broken. Typically, this involves some form of neglect or act of abuse, be it verbal, emotional, or physical or a combination of all three. Examples of such abuse may include humiliating a child in public, repeatedly ridiculing them or calling them cruel names, withholding love and affection from them, violent unprovoked outbursts, slapping, punching, etc. When a child is deliberately hurt by a parent, whether it’s ongoing abuse or an isolated traumatic incident, it can be especially difficult to overcome for the child, even years after the abuse is over.  How can one determine if they have truly moved on from their traumatic past? Is “forgiving” your parents enough?

The Cycle of Abuse

Most people hold true that the purest form of love is between a parent and child and that somehow by simply becoming a parent one learns to love “unconditionally.” So naturally we expect that parents instinctively should love their children and treat them accordingly. The unfortunate truth is that many parents are not only abusive but are very capable of doing great harm to their children. In fact, a simple survey of the headline news on any given day will yield countless examples of seemingly “normal” parents who hurt, abandon, and in the most tragic cases even murder their own children.

More than 8 out of 10 abused children are abused by their own parents.
Every 6 hours in America a child dies in the US due to abuse or neglect.
In 2005, more than 3.5 million children were reported as victims of child abuse or neglect.

So while a person may know and understand on a rational level that their parents are human and flawed and capable of making mistakes, it can still be very difficult to disconnect from the negative memories and move past the feelings of betrayal. Such a person may grapple regularly with anger, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, hostility, apathy, or even hatred towards their abusive parent(s).

At any given point, one can feel the full spectrum of these emotions or they may have learned to suppress their emotions and feel nothing at all. This is partly because of the destructive effect the abuse has on a child’s emotional development and self-esteem, which can carry well into adulthood if unresolved:

“Children of abuse do not develop healthy self-esteem. They often blame themselves for the arguments and the violence. They may also believe that it is their own failing that they receive little love. Violence also creates low self-worth: For example, if a parent does not realize what happens to the child who witnesses or receives the abuse, the child may believe that, “My feeling (of fear or pain) are ignored, and my needs (for peace and comforting) are not being met…I must not be important. Fighting parents cannot attend to the child’s emotional needs. Often, the ups and downs of abusive homes are ignored: the child feels anxiety and agitation as the tension builds up; the child feels fear and helplessness during the battering; and then the child feels guilt and shame afterward. Without intervention, these feelings are never resolved.” – “Understanding Domestic Violence,” by Barbara Correy, M.A

Some people carry on for years not realizing that they are still plagued with feelings of inadequacy, self-blame, and low self-esteem because of the abuse they experienced as a child. These feelings may manifest themselves in different ways, for example, how you perform in school or at work, how you allow your partners to speak to you or treat you, or how you feel about your own abilities and accomplishments.

So even if you never confronted your parents or sought some type of treatment, you may falsely think you are “past” the abuse because of how long ago it occurred or because you deliberately suppress your memories, but the residual effects of it are actually with you every day.

If one or more of your parents abused you as a child and you are now an adult, consider the following to know if you are truly over the abuse:

1)   Do you feel any anxiety talking/interacting with your abusive parent(s)?

2)   Do you try hard to impress them by sharing your accomplishments and goals?

3)   Do you take their criticisms to heart more than you do other people in your life?

4)   Do you constantly feel like nothing you ever do is good enough for them?

5)   Do you feel a greater sense of value when they show you affection or approval?

Forgiving & Moving Forward

In Islam, we are constantly reminded throughout the Qur’an and in the hadith literature, that it is better to forgive those who wrong you than to have rancor towards them or cut them off.  This is even more the case for parents, where children are told to be humble towards them and never even utter a single word of frustration to them:

“Pardon them and overlook – Allah loves those who do good.” (Qur’an 5:13)

“Those who control their anger and are forgiving towards people; Allah loves the good.” (Qur’an, 3: 134)

“Your Lord hath decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.” (Qur’an 17:23)

To “forgive” one’s parents is therefore something anyone can do if they feel compelled enough to try; it can be as simple as telling them you forgive them or supplicating to God and asking for their pardon. The more difficult process is learning how to move forward from the abuse and become whole again. This isn’t as much about your relationship with your parents as it is about you. It’s about learning how to break away from the effects that the abuse had on your own self-image. This requires a deep level of introspection and a certain degree of faith and spiritual practice.

And it’s important to note, that depending on your past experience with abuse, simply praying and offering forgiveness may not be sufficient. Yes, it’s important to put our faith in God and supplicate for relief from our tribulations, but we must also remember that He’s given us tools, such as science and medicine to learn and benefit from as well. Additionally, every person copes with trauma differently, so there isn’t a single approach to the healing process. Victims who’ve suffered through severe violence or sexual abuse, for example, typically need to do much more longterm work with the help of a mental health professional to overcome their trauma. Even so they may or may not ever reach the point of forgiving their parents; that decision is solely theirs.

Violent/Sexual Abuse Cases 

In the Muslim community, oftentimes because of family pressure or culture, many victims of sexual abuse or domestic violence never report the abuse or if they do share it with someone they are pressured to keep it to themselves and “get over” what happened to them. A parent, sibling, friend or even the imam at a masjid may not know how to properly console the victim and defers to telling them to “forgive and forget,” or “let it go for the sake of Allah.” In this way, the victim may experience a form of revictimization, where they are once again silenced and their trauma dismissed and forgotten. Victims of severe abuse cases such as these need to be given a voice no matter how long ago the abuse occurred; they need to feel empowered and reassured that they have nothing to be ashamed of and they are not at fault. It is best to seek the help of a mental health professional who has experience helping victims of domestic violence and abuse. Others, even if they have the best of intentions and want to help, may end up causing more harm than benefit.

mentalhealthfor muslims

https://archive.org/download/000IntroductionToPsychology/counselling.pdf

Read more...........

reminder_3_domestic_abuse_as_printed.pdf

The bad beginning

Although pictures speak a thousand words, our family photos never spoke the truth of what went on behind closed doors. Our house had been built with sturdy walls, but our home lacked a true and strong foundation of love. Both of my parents immigrated to the United States and, like most immigrants, brought along their cultural baggage and mindset. Although I will never know objectively how their marriage was in the beginning, according to my mother my father was verbally and physically abusive towards her. Growing up, I watched my parents fight with such passion and intensity that I am surprised, but thankful, that neither of them killed the other (although my mother did threaten my father with various sharp objects during some of their disputes). Nasty words were tossed back and forth like a tennis match, each one trying to beat the other at the vicious game. Sometimes my siblings and I would stand up for our mother, resulting in our father telling us to shut up and stay out of it, even retaliating against us.

My parents' disputes could and would start over anything and everything, although money and invalidating of feelings were two strong sparks. My mother believed divorce was not an option because she could not work and support all of us herself. My father did divorce my mother once in a fit of anger, but then asked for her back. He told me he loved my mother and would never want to divorce her as this would break our family apart. Despite the illusion that our family is together, it is broken.

This was the marriage upon which our family was built. Children were brought into this environment because, like many people, my parents never questioned their ability to be good role models nor pondered the responsibility that came with having kids. In fact, it's a rite of passage – school, marriage and then children  – and there is no question or deviation from this. As you might imagine, it was not a nurturing nor loving atmosphere to grow up in. Before we were old enough to understand or defend ourselves, we were thrown into the battlefield and became targets of violence and psychological warfare

Faces behind the masks

People are often shocked when they learn about a domestic violence case, when they discover a person's true nature and their hidden actions within the confines of their house. The truth is, looks can be deceiving and there is no way to distinguish someone who is abusive from one who is not by their outward appearance. Usually, the only ones who know the real faces behind the masks are those being abused and anyone the victims choose to tell.

There are no tell-tale signs of abusive parents, dysfunctional families or “victims” of abuse. My parents are practicing Muslims who frequent Islamic events and outwardly show their devotion to Islam. My father prays Jumuah and both Fajr and Isha in the masjid. My mother watches religious programs, wears hijab, goes to Umrah whenever she can and is well known and well loved in our community. Our family spends Eid together, goes out to dinner together and even laughs together. We visit other families and other families visit us. None of us children are anti-social deviants; we all have friends and are active participants in society. We are all highly educated, having all graduated from college and some of us graduate school.

While outwardly we all seemed “normal”, as is typical of dysfunctional families, each on of us children had our “adapted roles”.  Mine was that of the lost child, the one who stayed out of trouble and was mostly overlooked and ignored.  Unlike my siblings who rebelled in their own ways and at different times of their lives, I remained a “straight-edge” Muslim.  I never drank, smoked, did drugs, had friends of the opposite gender or premarital relationships.  I earned good grades, never hung out with “the wrong crowd and, even if I argued it, I never stayed out past my curfew. As hard as I tried to be good, I was never good enough.

My parents treated me differently based on their moods. My father's emotions vacillated between extreme highs (happiness, giddiness, etc) and extreme lows (seclusion, aggression, verbal abuse). He was never big on words of love or kindness, and the primary way he supported us was financially. He never really talked to us except to blame us for something or to insult us. When he was in a jovial mood, he would smile, sing and encouraged me to smile and be happy. To show how fluctuating his mood was, one time he hit me so hard and so many times with a slipper, it broke. Almost immediately after this, he joked that I would now have to buy him a new one. There were at least three times that his violence left marks on my face, leaving me to face the public with signs of his rage. If I was asked about what happened, I fabricated something about hurting myself. My mother scared me that from ever telling the truth, saying that the police would come arrest my father and take us away, creating a scandal in our family. I was also too ashamed to admit to anyone, even my closest friends, that my father physically abused me; I wanted to be a normal child with normal parents, not a victim to be pitied.

While my father was a raging bull, my mother was a wolf in sheep's clothing, hiding her abuse amidst kindness and affection. She was the “savior” against my father and had a very generous, sweet and giving demeanor when she was in a proper mood. I will not deny that she did many wonderful things for me and in fact, when she was nice, it was great to be with her. But, in a Jekyll/Hyde or Bruce Banner/Hulk fashion, when she unleashed her anger, it was explosive rage. Although she never hit me, I was a figurative punching bag on which she used insults, humiliation and expressions of anger instead of kicks and punches.

Despite “keeping my nose clean”, my mother still found reasons to unleash her anger at me.  One day, after spending time with a known and trusted friend, I came home to hear my mother telling my father how I was trying to be rebellious like my siblings. It was between 10:30 and 11:00 pm, a time which I had come home before without any repercussions and for someone in their late 20's, was not an “unGodly time” to come home at.  When she heard me coming, she burst out of the front door without her hijab on, screaming at me that I was no longer her child, disowning me until the Day of Judgment and that she would put this in writing and send it to several Shuyukh.  She also locked the door and told my father not to let me in. Even if I was out doing evil things, I didn't deserve that. No one does. Because this was my mother and because this behavior was common and accepted in our family and my parents' culture, I didn't see just how abnormal this was.  Actions like these were always excused with “She was mad because…” or “Well you shouldn't/should have done…”.  I felt too hurt, hated and even partly responsible for her actions to be able to see how abusive she was.  I felt that if if somehow, if I had been a better child, she wouldn't have done or said that.  I now see I could not control her behavior, only she could.

It was traumatic to see her behave in such a way and hurt to be the target of such horrible comments, and this is only one example of her pain-inducing words and actions. She teetered between kind and caring woman to a cruel and vicious woman. She would praise my siblings and I to her friends one minute and then say how she wished she would die so she wouldn't see our faces again, that death was better for her than life with us. I couldn't tell if she loved or hated me, if I was good or bad. I cannot explain to you the confusion or the pain that I went through, only that I am glad I finally see the truth for what it is.

Like other abusers, my parents wanted to exert their control over us. They yelled at me for being sad and for having individuality. Having autonomy was not allowed and success was simultaneously encouraged and deflated (sometimes by the same parent). My mother wanted us do to everything her way –  from how we looked, how we dressed, what majors we chose, who we married, even what we named our children – and criticized us incessantly when we didn't follow.    My father tried to “straighten us out” through physical and verbal assaults when we spoke up for ourselves or didn't do things exactly as he wanted.

Imams and Shuyukh of Sunday school, Islamic lectures and Friday khutbahs told me constantly that parents deserved our utmost respect and unyielding obedience. And because they had heard the same lectures, my parents demanded this as well. It is a fact of life that children, more or less, emulate their parents' behavior.  Thus, through their actions, my parents taught me how to be defiant, angry, hateful, spiteful, resentful, disrespectful and aggressive, and simultaneously punished me for expressing these emotions and behaviors.  This created a tug of war in my head, between wishing that someone would say I had the right to be treated kindly and believing that I was being rightfully punished for being a bad child. No one ever spoke of children's rights or obligations of parents, so it was the latter that always won.

The ill effects of abuse

Growing up with abusive parents took a heavy and serious toll on me. From my childhood and even until now, the abuse has affected me in several facets of my life, mentally, physically and spiritually. I suffered from low self-esteem and had problems in my health and relationships, even with Allah. The abuse has affected my family as well –  emotional problems, jealousy and spitefulness between siblings and emotionally incestuous relationships between parent and child developed – although they still choose to deny it.

Effects on…

…self-esteem and self-perception

In my ignorance and in response to the turmoil, I experienced extreme self-loathing and hated my life growing up. Parents are said to be a mirror of their children, and since my parents had plenty of negative things to say, I could only see myself as a terrible person. How could I love myself when my own parents, the people who brought me into this world and who were supposed to love me unconditionally, did not? Even if they told me they loved me (which they did not), they didn't know how to show me they loved me. I felt hated as my father chased me in order to physically punish me and pointed out all my faults. My mother told me often how I was just like my father, whom I knew she carried a great disdain for. She grouped us both along with one of my siblings in the “bad guys” category. I felt there was something truly wrong with me, that I was just an awful person who didn't deserve to be loved. I wanted to disappear from the world thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I was gone, someone would miss me and want me back…then I would finally feel loved and wanted. I felt like a burden on my family who would be better off without me. I hated being me which anyone reading this might understand how that could be. Only Allah heard me as I apologized for being such a bad child.

…relationship with the family

I wanted Allah to love me, I wanted to obey Him by being kind to and obeying my parents. Despite the fact that my father physically and verbally abused me, I still tried to be good to him. But, thanks in part to my mother's comments about him, at some point in my life, my innocent childish love for my father changed to hate. I despised every single thing about him – how he ate, how he walked, how he talked. I hated that he still asked for and expected hugs and kisses from me even after the mean things he said and did to me. My mother perpetuated this idea in the way she fought with him; it always looked like he was the aggressor and she the victim.

The well-known hadith that one's mother is more deserving of love and respect than one's father encouraged me to put all my energy into loving and obeying her as best I could. Because she was the one who comforted me after my father attacked me and defended me against him, standing up for me, she was the only source of comfort for me. Thus, I attached myself in an unhealthy manner to her and we became enmeshed; when she was happy I was happy and when she was mad or sad, I couldn't have a good time. I tried with all my power to make her happy and to make her pleased with me. It was because of this intense codependency that I have such a challenge in healing from her infliction; I gave her my all and she rejected, depreciated and destroyed it.

The dysfunction permeated beyond our parents' relationships with each other or with me. My siblings and I have an uneasy relationship with each other that is affected, one way or another, by one or both parents. For example, one sibling cut ties with the other because of issues the other had with our mother. Another still believes our father to be a good father and pushes me to do things such as wish him a happy birthday or take him out for Father's Day. One sibling and I butted heads because they labeled me the abuser, claiming my mother's harshness and nonacceptance of my good deeds was in response to my antagonism.

…relationship with Allah

Because our relationship was borne out of blood and mentioned several times in the Qur'an, one of the favorite weapons that my mother used to validate her stance was religion. Similar to how abusive men misuse verses from the Qur'an, my mother misused the verses regarding treatment of parents, telling me how Allah would punish me and that if she were to die displeased with me I would be damned to Hell for all eternity. I was told several times that I had no iman in my heart, that I only do things out of fear of Allah's punishment and that if I were a true mu'min, I would not be so rude with my parents. When bad things would happen to me, she told me that Allah was angry with me and punished me for what I had done. I believed it.

While we all doubt whether we are good enough in the sight of Allah, whether our deeds will be accepted or whether we are sincere, my mother spiritually abused me so intensely that I doubted if Allah even loved me. I thought “How could Allah love someone like me, someone who was so insolent and hated by their parents?” I asked Allah to forgive me for being such an insolent person and for being so bad to my parents. Today, I acknowledge that this was projection of her own feelings of herself, but the pain of hearing that come from my mother was extreme.

…relationship with the community

The shame and guilt I felt affected not only my relationship with myself and my Lord, but how I was with the community. For one, I felt as if I was wearing a scarlet letter “V” for being a victim of domestic violence. Although no one knew, I felt I was different and that no one would understand what I was going through. Other people had seemingly good relationships with their parents and had parents who were apparently loving and kind. I did not know for sure if this was true, but no one talked about it and neither did I. I felt isolated in my community. I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't know if anyone cared or would even believe me about what was going on in my house if I told them. With my parents being such upstanding members of the community, it would be hard to convince someone that they were actually unkind and unfit parents.

Another issue was the hypocrisy I felt. I was an outwardly practicing Muslim who went to MSA meetings, and treated people with as much kindness as I could. People enjoyed my company and liked me. But as I looked into the mirror that was my parents' eyes, I believed this was only because no one, except my parents, knew the real me. In fact, my mother told me that I was so nice to the people outside my house while being so ill-mannered to those in my home. At the time, I didn't believe she would say something that wasn't true, especially something so hurtful. Like most children, I thought the best of her and the worst of myself and with the community loving her as well, I took her guilty verdict to heart.

…on marriage

As abused children grow older, they too may choose to marry and have children of their own. No one will deny that when you marry someone, you marry their family. When you marry their family, you also marry their problems and toxicity. When these issues are not addressed or acknowledged, they cannot be resolved. They seep into the core of the marriage, into the hearts of the individuals. It affects how they deal with each other and ultimately how they deal with their children. People joke about the “evil in-laws” and make the same comments about treating them with kindness, respect and humility. When the in-laws are abusive and have a skewed view of reality, it is no joke.

To avoid disclosing any identifiable details, I will not speak of my own or my siblings' marriages, but will instead refer to a couple that I know who live in an abusive home. The mother/mother-in-law behaves in a similar fashion to my mother, leading me to believe that she also has a mental illness. The husband (her son) believes that to be a good son, he must do anything and everything in his power to please his mother, even though nothing he ever does is good enough in her eyes. She, too, uses Islam's emphasis on serving parents as a means to get her way. She speaks nastily to both her son and daughter-in-law, both of whom feel the detrimental effects of living with an unstable and abusive person. Both are victims of abuse and do their utmost to please their perpetrator. For example, after a day of cleaning the house in hopes of pleasing her, she made a comment about how dirty the TV was, saying how she would never have kept her house in this shape.  Even though the wife recognizes the abusive behavior of her mother-in-law, she does not know what to do or how to act. Her husband believes his mother needs to be obeyed and feels powerless to say or do anything to stand up for himself or his family. There are young children in this marriage who will, unless something changes, grow up seeing their parents treated harshly and possibly be treated in a similar manner themselves.

This article was written anonymously and submitted through Salma Elkadi Abugideiri, a Licensed Professional Counselor

Taken from muslimmatters.org

It would be nice if we all had loving and supportive parents. Some do, Alhamdulillah. To have kind, caring parents is a great gift.

But some have parents who are critical, demeaning and harsh. Do you have an abusive parent who tells you that you are worthless, stupid and good for nothing? If so, you can’t spend your life waiting and hoping for that parent to love you and be proud of you. It’s not going to happen, my friend. Most likely your parent was raised harshly himself/herself and doesn’t know how to act any other way. Accept that reality and learn to value yourself, no matter what anyone says.

You will have to be strong and independent in spirit. You will have to find validation of your worth within yourself. You do have worth, after all. You are as unique and beautiful as the sun and the moon, the sea and the stars. You are special and gifted and you will need to realize that on your own, even in the face of external abuse.

Seek your support from Allah.

“And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created…” – Quran, 17:70.

Allah has honored you. Dignity is your birthright. It’s okay if you’re not perfect. No one is. You can still love yourself, with all your special gifts and funny habits, and whatever is lacking, well, you can work on it. That’s what all of us do.

“I Know Who I Am”

It can be very hard to resist the negative labels that parents put on us. Nothing wounds like an insult from a parent. Their words have a way of worming into our brains even when we know better.

We must be patient with them without buying into their negativity.

This is not to say that parental abuse is acceptable. Not at all. Respect goes both ways. Parents have a duty to raise their children with kindness and love. If your parents are physically abusing you, then that’s a situation that you should try to get out of. Separate yourself from them if possible. Be safe, and know that they too will face God one day in judgment, and will be called to account for their deeds.

This article is focused more on the issue of verbal abuse. The truth is that even if you are accomplished, well behaved, and devoted, some parents will continue to abuse you verbally. Even if you have moved out, married and have children of your own, and only see your parents occasionally, they might continue to find fault with everything you do, and generally devalue you. I’m not saying it’s okay. I’m saying it’s an unfortunate reality with some parents, and you cannot allow it to define you.

Write some positive affirmations about yourself. Affirmations are true statements that express your best qualities, and also express what kind of person you strive to be. They represent the ideal you.

I personally have a list of 29 affirmations, and here’s number 12 on my list:

“12. I am a good son to my parents. I am patient and loving with them. When speaking to them I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am and confident in my choices.”

Read your affirmations every day. Even if you don’t quite believe your own affirmations at times, even if you feel inwardly skeptical, keep reading them. When you speak to your parents, breathe deeply and slowly. Don’t let anything they say make you anxious or excited. Tell yourself silently, “I know who I am.”

Allah loves you and has a plan for you. Believe this and move forward, and when you have children, shut down the cycle of negativity and do better than your parents did. It’s okay to be better than your parents. Any good parent wants their children to surpass them.

Show your own children patience, gentleness and endless love.

May Allah bless you and fill your heart with self-knowledge, self-dignity, and hope for the future.

By Wael Abdelgawad

Maria Karim

The sudden dreadful crying and screaming woke Zainab up. She lay on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying hard to block out the growing noise coming from the other room.

It had hardly been two hours since she had cried herself to sleep. Her tender heart started pounding against her chest at the thought of what would follow this pattern. It was the norm; after her father came home, her mother would scream at him, he would yell back, and then it would get worse until she, being the eldest child, would intervene, crying and begging her parents to stop the awful fight, the reason for which those little children could never understand.

Zainab had secretly prayed to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), many times to take her back to Him. She somehow felt responsible for what was happening between her parents. Often, she felt that even Allah (swt) was not happy with her for her du`a’s (supplications) were not being accepted.

The only thing she ever wanted was to see her parents happy and together. Whenever they were happy, she would hope time would freeze so she could preserve every bit of it, but unfortunately, the happy moments would not last for long before a simple disagreement would turn into a heated argument leading towards a terrible dispute.

What really wounded her heart was when her parents held grudges against each other and complained to others about each other or when other people would gossip about her parents while disregarding her presence as she was a mere child, supposedly devoid of feelings or a sense of understanding. This infuriated her, and she started to accumulate hatred and resentment within herself.

Her fear and anxiety grew as she could overhear the increasingly enraged arguments coming from the other room. “Stop! Please stop!” Zainab screamed in her mind, tightly clamping her hands around her throbbing head which felt like it would burst.

Despite being huddled up in a warm and soft quilt she could feel her feet getting cold. Tears of anger, rage and distress were rolling down from the sides of her eyes fading away in the darkness while she lay there in the emptiness of her room hoping that the yelling from outside too would soon fade away.

Sound Familiar?

Does this sound familiar? Have you, as a child, felt the way Zainab was feeling? Or even worse, could your children be going through what Zainab was experiencing?

Catastrophically, the innocent victim of such a battle is always a child, who has no role to play in a conflict between adults except to helplessly watch and get destroyed.

Any Excuses?

Whatever excuses parents might have to justify their perpetual conflicts, ill temper or regular tantrums, whether towards each other or directed towards their children as a result of being frustrated in a mutual relationship, are completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.

Since they are the adults and they have been given the responsibility of raising a human being, they are liable for and therefore must be mindful of, not only the physical upbringing of their child, but also the psychological development including the spiritual growth and emotional enrichment of this little individual.

Consequences!

A child witnessing relentless unkind behavior, intolerance, exchange of harsh words, sarcasm, mistrust, offensive gestures, unpleasant treatment and/or indifference between his/her parents will most likely deal with multiple problems, such as:

• Lack of Religious Growth: Children from a disturbed household hardly become religious unless someone consciously channels them. Since they rarely see their parents ever turn to their Rabb (Sustainer) and exercise patience in times of distress, they cannot relate to this concept.
• Absence of Spiritual Connection: When children witness their parents trying to find peace through other means and relying on those means besides Allah (swt), they automatically relate to seeking peace and relying on ways and means other than the true source of khayr (goodness), their Creator.
• Loss of Self Confidence: Such children lose their confidence because they have been devoid of the kind of emotional support required to boost their ego and individuality.
• Low Self Esteem: The loss of dignity between parents or such a behavior pattern established by one of the parents gives birth to low self esteem in their child’s character, resulting in a feeling of worthlessness.
• Insecurity: When children witness ill treatment between their parents or by any one parent towards the other they feel insecure about their relationship with them and dread being the victim either directly or indirectly. They also feel worried about their parents or their siblings and feel powerless.
• Anxiety: A child observing domestic disorder whether emotional, verbal or physical is always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. He/she never knows what will trigger the abuse and therefore they never feel safe.
• Self doubt: When a child’s tender mind is not able to explain why his/her parents hardly get along, they sometimes start blaming themselves; that if they hadn’t done such and such the argument would not have started, or if they are unable to explain the reason for a fight they remain doubtful about the occurrence of it which leaves them confused and frustrated. The feeling of self doubt makes them feel humiliated and embarrassed.
• Resentment: Children experiencing a chaotic household become resentful towards either their siblings or one of the parents who they think are responsible for triggering an argument. They can possibly become enraged, short tempered and abusive as adults themselves.
• Suppression: Children experiencing domestic issues are always engrossed in coping with the stress at home. They are expected to keep the conflicts at home a secret. Consequently, this can turn them into inexpressive and suppressed beings.
• Intimidation: On the other hand, sometimes children who witness one of their parents as the victim at home, learn to grow up to be intimidating individuals themselves to get their way in an intimate relationship because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength.
• Controlling Behaviour: Knowing their strength, children from disturbed homes are prone to becoming controlling with their spouse. They have been brought up to feel anxious about relationships and therefore are desperate to take charge in order to preserve a relationship from disintegration. They feel that their controlling would help keep it intact.
• Vulnerability: These children feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, validation and company. As both parents are consumed in their own survival, they are hardly emotionally available for the child. Therefore, the child is most likely to look for emotional dependency elsewhere. 

The above are only few of the many setbacks that a child from a disordered home goes through. The question is: do we want our children to experience this? The expected answer in all cases would be no.

Then what are we, as parents, doing to prevent them from such experiences? Having said this, I do not intend to include the unique situation in which a spouse has a psychological disorder and the other spouse is expected to put up with them.

Realistically speaking, how many of us face the above mentioned condition where we have zero control over our respective relationship? Truthfully, the genuine reason isn’t that we can’t avoid drastically damaging scenarios, but usually we choose not to prevent them as every dispute has a history of negative, unresolved events trailing behind it accompanied by insensitive, tactless and careless actions between the parents.

Generally speaking, we are selfish individuals that are primarily concerned with catering first to our personal emotional and psychological needs. While in a conflict, we are either immersed in self-pity and depression or are trapped amidst the battle of egos, so we neglect the little hearts from being repeatedly aggrieved and wounded.

Emotionally and physically drained, frustrated and exhausted from having to keep up with the relationship with our spouse, we become oblivious to the damaging impact our indifference towards each other might have on our child’s well-being.

However, we must remind ourselves that our children are dependent on us in every single way for each little thing and realize the gravity and responsibility that parenthood holds. We cannot help the reaction of our spouse but what we can control is our attitude towards them or towards an unpleasant situation or experience.

Obviously, it is not as simple as this statement and requires counseling and perhaps a series of articles to get into the intricacies of a relationship and its do’s and don’t’s. Nonetheless, the focus of this article is to highlight the traumatic conditions that children who experience domestic violence go through and its consequences.

A child is similar to a soft lump of dough and just as we can mold it how we wish, it goes through what we make it go through. A lump of dough, when handled with love, care and wisdom can be beneficial, but if it is mishandled roughly and carelessly, it can prove to be just the opposite.

Our children are an amanah (trust) from Allah (swt). They have been sent to us so that we can nurture them with love, respect, care and concern. We leave our impressions on them. We either leave our child with a well-nurtured body and soul, or we leave that child with a scarred soul and a wounded heart. The choice, of course, is ours.

Discipline or Abuse?

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah sallallaahu 'alayhi wasallam said:

“Teach your children to pray when they are seven years old, and smack them (lightly) if they do not do so when they are ten, and separate them in their beds.” [Abu Dawood]

Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with him)  said that the Messenger of Allah sallallaahu 'alayhi wasallam  said:

“Hang your whip where the members of the household can see it, for that will discipline them.”  [Tabaraani]

Read the following posts for  the answer.....

• Explaining a Hadith on Disciplining Children
• Children hit by Islamic Studies Teacher
• Would it be correct to hit Madrasah Children in order to Discipline them?
• Beating children to Teach the Qur'an
• Hitting and Verbally Abusing Children
• Wise Advices
• Advices of Scholars
• The Perfect Example

VICTIM: you CAN get out of abusive situations - you aren't alone, what is happening to you is not right, and here's what you can do.... 

(click to link HERE & HERE)

WITNESS: we SHOULD stop abuse - we have a duty to stop oppression where we can and here's what we can do... (click to link)

~~~

Insha'Allah, in this thread we will collect resources relevant to the issue of domestic abuse. Our primary goal is to help link readers to both Islamic scholarship and local resources on the issue. 

While the important links are highlighted above for quick reference, the following table lists the main contents of the thread:

Post/description:

1. Introduction & Table of Contents
2. Definition of Domestic Abuse
3. Causes of Domestic Abuse
4. Cycle of Domestic Abuse
5. Long-term Physical and Psychological Effects
6. Male Victims of Domestic Abuse
7. Reasons why Victims do not leave Abusive Marriages
8. What does Islam say regarding Domestic Abuse
9. Islamic Position and Advice on Verbal Abuse in Marriage
10. The Islamic Solution
11. Clear Instructions in the Qur'an in case of Conflict
12. Scholars' Condemnation of Domestic Abuse
13. Beneficial Advice from Scholars to Questions on Domestic Abuse
14. VICTIMS - Where To Go For Help
15. PERPETRATORS - Stop & Think!
16. PERPETRATORS - What To Do To Change
17. WITNESSES - How To Become A Means For Help
18. Shariah Councils and Other Avenues of Help Available in Various Countries
19. Towards Ending Violence in our Communities
20. Resources
21. Stories
22. Story of Husband Abuse
23. (and onward) Comments

By:  Haleh Banani, MA Clinical Psychology

Domestic violence affects the psychological and emotional well being of a woman the way a tsunami brings colossal destruction and unparalleled devastation to a metropolitan city. The unpredictability and dangerous nature of men who abuse their wives creates terror, anxiety and depression in women, the way a storm indiscriminately destroys  without warning; leaving  inhabitants in a state of shock and constant fear.  The deep, emotional scars last much longer than the superficial bruises and broken bones that usually demand our attention and provoke our sympathy. The emotional debris will take years to completely be cleared causing emotional bankruptcy and  vulnerability which can lead to suicide.  The ferocious waves of violence cause a series of long lasting, psychological damages:

Depression

Domestic violence floods women with feelings of sadness, hopelessness and despair which generally lead to depression. 60% of battered women reported having depression which is the most common symptom of domestic violence.³

Depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.  Sadness affects every aspect of life: thoughts, feelings, sleeping, eating, physical health, relationships and the ability to function at work.  When victims experience interpersonal violence from a spouse or family member, they are at high risk for mental and emotional illnesses. There is a strong feeling of abandonment, betrayal and instability when they are abused by someone who should be protecting and nurturing them.

Although it is natural to feel sad when faced with difficult tests, as a believer it is critical to understand that there is wisdom in everything that happens.  Understanding and accepting divine destiny does not mean tolerating abuse by any means.  It simply means that life is filled with tests and that trust needs to be placed in Allah while searching for the right solutions.

It was narrated by Suhayb that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “How amazing is the condition of the believer, for all his affairs are good. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it and he is rewarded; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and he is also awarded.”  Narrated by Muslim (2999).

Do not despair of solace from Allah.  No one despairs of solace from Allah except for people who do not believe.  (Surah Yusuf 87)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

After the devastation of domestic violence, most women experience the aftershock of abuse: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder which can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. It is very common for victims of domestic violence to continue to fear their spouse even if they have separated.  PTSD is characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety, emotional numbing, insomnia, hyper-vigilance and avoidance of traumatic triggers.  There are many factors that affect the intensity of PTSD:  severity of the violence, the duration of exposure, early-age onset and the victim's cognitive assessment of the violence (perceived degree of threat, predictability and control-ability).

The way to cope with any form of anxiety is turning to Allah and trusting His plan while striving hard to overcome the fear.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “No exhaustion, pain, anxiety, grief, harm or distress befalls a Muslim, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allah will expiate some of his sins with them.” Narrated by al-Bukhari (5318) and Muslim (2573).

Anxiety

Fear and anxiety consume a victim of domestic violence the way a tidal wave engulfs a city.  The fear lingers in a woman's psyche long after the abuse has taken place.  This anxiety can prevent her from concentrating, falling asleep and performing at home or work.  Paranoia and inability to trust others are the most frequent traits of the victims of domestic violence.  25 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders which are the most common of emotional disorders. Some of the symptoms may include:

• Overwhelming feelings of panic and fear
• Uncontrollable obsessive thoughts
• Painful, intrusive memories
• Recurring nightmares
• Physical symptoms such as feeling sick to your stomach, “butterflies” in your stomach, heart pounding, startling easily and muscle tension

The most beloved people, the prophets, were tested the most.  It is essential to keep the stories of the prophets in mind and recall that instead of feeling anxious when faced with threat, oppression and harm, they put their trust in Allah.

We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits.  But give good news to the steadfast (Surat al-Baqara, 155)

“Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah: Without a doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction. (Al-Raad 28)

Low Self-Esteem

Verbal and emotional abuse are like earthquakes that brutally shake the foundation of a woman's self-esteem.  They shatter her self- confidence, tear down her sense of security and destroy her self-respect .  Each degrading remark, criticism and profanity is like a bulldozer that vehemently annihilates her sense of self-worth.  The deep, emotional and psychological scars that are burned into her heart from the cursing, name-calling and humiliation will disable her from achieving her potentials, nurturing her children and attaining peace. She becomes so crippled emotionally that it is next to impossible to leave.

Suicidal

Like the victims of natural disasters that discover they have nothing left to live for, victims of domestic violence feel so overwhelmed with grief and hopelessness that many attempt suicide.  The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that many victims fall prey to has a profoundly undermining effect on their mental and emotional well being.⁴ Many times these women simply give up on life and they experience learned helplessness where they lose the will to live.  Here are some of the signs of suicide contemplation:

• Talking about killing or harming one's self
• Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped
• An unusual preoccupation with death or dying
• Acting recklessly, as if they have a death wish (e.g. speeding through red lights)
• Calling or visiting people to say goodbye
• Getting affairs in order (giving away prized possessions, tying up loose ends)
• Saying things like “Everyone would be better off without me” or “I want out.”

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.⁶

See Suicide Prevention: Signs of Suicide and How to Help a Suicidal Person.

The problems and difficulties that people endure are known and for a temporary period of time.  Compare that to being faced with the unknown punishment in the hereafter for committing suicide for all eternity.

O you who have believed, do not consume one another's wealth unjustly but only [in lawful] business by mutual consent. And do not kill yourselves [or one another]. Indeed, Allah is to you ever Merciful. 4:29

After a psychological tsunami that ruthlessly destroys feelings of self-worth and security, there needs to be massive action taken to recover from the lasting damages.  The first step is to clean up the emotional debris and the shattered feelings. Time and money needs to be invested to reestablish self-worth.  If the amount of damage is overwhelming, seek the support  and guidance of professionals to overcome the devastation.   Next, focused effort needs to be put in rebuilding self-esteem.  By not internalizing the negative, destructive comments of others and reconfirming all positive traits, self-respect and dignity will be rebuilt.  Trust in the self and in others will be essential in creating a strong foundation for developing lasting relationships.  Perhaps the most important aspect of recovery is to gain hope in the future.  Once the fire of hope is ignited it will shine so brightly and provide the necessary motivation to overcome all obstacles and to help others facing the same challenges.

If you or someone you know is a VICTIM of abuse know:

1. You are NOT ALONE
2. There are avenues for HELP
3. Ensure the SAFETY of you and your children
4. You are a VALUABLE person who is worthy of love
5. It is NEVER ACCEPTABLE to be physically, verbally or emotionally abused

Narrated Abu Ma'bad, that the Prophet said, “… and be afraid of the supplication of an oppressed person because there is no screen between his invocation and Allah.” Sahih Bukhari: Volume 2, Book 24, Number 573.

If you or someone you know is the ABUSER:

1. Seek professional help to MANAGE YOUR ANGER
2. It is not too late to CHANGE YOURSELF and CHANGE YOUR LIFE
3. Find an OUTLET (sport or other activity) to release stress and frustration
4. Seek the SUPPORT of family and friends
5. REAL MEN DON'T ABUSE!

“Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed.” The Prophet was asked: “It is right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” He replied: “By preventing him from oppressing others.” Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Hadith 624

References:

1. http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/pregnancy.php
2. Types of Trauma: Domestic Violence – San Francisco depression | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/depression-in-san-francisco/types-of-trauma-domestic-violence#ixzz1ZstUJQB9
3. http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/effects.shtml
4. Types of Trauma: Domestic Violence – San Francisco depression | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/depression-in-san-francisco/types-of-trauma-domestic-violence#ixzz1Zsu4uQTE
5. http://www.examiner.com/depression-in-san-francisco/types-of-trauma-domestic-violence
6. Suicide Prevention: Signs of Suicide and How to Help a Suicidal Person.

Source