<![CDATA[Marriage & Family Latest Topics]]>https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/category/210-marriage-family/enWhat ʿA’ishah (RA) Warned Her Student Abouthttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24997-what-%CA%BFa%E2%80%99ishah-ra-warned-her-student-about/

A young boy used to visit ʿĀ’ishah (raḍiyallāhu ʿanhā) often to ask her questions, and she would teach him and narrate to him. 

One day he came asking to learn something new, and she said,

‘My son, have you acted upon what you’ve already learned from me?’

He replied, ‘No, by Allah, not yet.’ 

She said, ‘My son, why then do you wish to increase the proofs of Allah against us and you?’”

As parents and teachers, we are always eager to teach our children as much knowledge about their din as possible.

In a world that focuses on the external metrics over the internal, it’s easy to get caught up in how many sūrahs have been memorised, how many textbooks have been completed, or how high the scores are. 

Wanting to teach our children more is a beautiful intention. But it’s important to remember that knowledge isn’t meant to be simply learnt.

The greater purpose of knowledge is that it is practised: that it transforms us into better servants of Allah.

So, the next time you begin teaching your child a new topic, surah or text, ask yourself a quick question:

‘How can I help them practise this? How can I help them transform through this?’

And the next time you learn something yourself, ask yourself the same questions too.

LifewithAllah

]]>24997Tue, 13 Oct 2026 07:18:15 +0000The Courage to Correcthttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24995-the-courage-to-correct/  
 
In a time when many parents are deeply concerned about their children’s happiness, confidence and emotional well-being, an important responsibility of parenting is increasingly being overlooked: the responsibility of correcting them. While love, affection and encouragement are essential in raising a child, so too is teaching him right from wrong, setting boundaries and correcting him when he goes beyond them. A child does not naturally know what is acceptable and what is not. He needs guidance, and that guidance sometimes requires a parent to say, “This is wrong,” and to firmly correct him.
 
Correction is not a sign that a parent does not love his child. In fact, proper correction is an expression of a parent’s love and concern. When a parent sees his child developing a bad habit, behaving disrespectfully or neglecting an important responsibility, remaining silent does not help the child. Allowing every mistake to pass without addressing it may keep the child happy for the moment, but it does little to prepare him for life. A child needs parents who will lovingly guide him, teach him boundaries and help him understand that actions have consequences.
 
One of the greatest mistakes that can be made in the upbringing of children is to confuse love with a permissive approach. A parent may feel that correcting the child will upset him, cause him to become distant or make him feel bad about himself. As a result, certain behaviours are repeatedly overlooked. Disrespect is tolerated, disobedience is excused, responsibilities are neglected, and mistakes are brushed aside. With time, however, what was initially a small behaviour can become a deeply rooted habit.
 
Children need to learn from a young age that there are certain things that are simply not acceptable. A child who speaks disrespectfully to his parents needs to be corrected. A child who lies needs to be taught the seriousness of dishonesty. A child who refuses to fulfil his responsibilities needs to be reminded and, where necessary, disciplined. A child who is careless regarding salaah needs to be guided and encouraged towards punctuality and commitment. These lessons cannot always be taught through gentle suggestions alone. There are times when a firm reprimand is necessary.
 
The Quraan and Ahaadeeth place great emphasis on the responsibility of parents to nurture and guide their children. Allah Ta‘ala says, “O you who believe, save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones.” (Surah Tahreem V:6) This responsibility cannot be fulfilled merely by providing children with food, clothing, education and material comfort. It includes protecting them from harmful behaviour, teaching them their obligations and correcting them when they go wrong.
 
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) also emphasised the importance of teaching children salaah from a young age. He said, “Command your children to perform salaah when they are seven years old, and discipline them regarding it when they are ten.” (Sunan Abi Dawood) This demonstrates that Tarbiyah involves more than simply explaining what is right. There comes a time when parents must insist upon obedience and take appropriate measures when a child deliberately neglects what he has been taught.
 
Correction, however, should not be confused with anger, humiliation or constantly finding fault. The purpose of correction is not to make a child feel worthless, nor is it to vent one’s frustration. A child should be corrected because his behaviour needs to change. The parent should therefore focus on correcting the action rather than attacking the child himself.
 
A child who is corrected with wisdom learns that mistakes have consequences, that boundaries exist and that he is accountable for his actions. He also learns an important quality that will benefit him throughout his life: the ability to accept correction. If a child grows up being protected from every form of criticism and correction, he may struggle later in life when a teacher, employer, spouse or another person points out his shortcomings.
 
At the same time, correction should not become the only interaction a child has with his parents. Just as a parent should be prepared to correct a child when he does wrong, he should also acknowledge his good to encourage him and uplift him if his spirits are low. 
 
This quality of lifting a person’s spirits was found in the blessed life of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) as well.
 
On one occasion, a Sahaabi by the name of Zaahir (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was in the marketplace when Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) approached him from behind and embraced him. Sayyiduna Zaahir (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), not knowing who it was, exclaimed, “Let me go! Who is this?” However, when he realised that it was Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), he did not want the embrace to end. He pressed his back against the blessed chest of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), wanting to remain in his embrace.
 
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) light-heartedly said, “Who will buy this slave?” Sayyiduna Zaahir (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) replied with humility, “O Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)! By Allah, you will find me to be of little worth!” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) then responded with a statement that captured the essence of his ability to lift hearts. He said, “But in the sight of Allah, you are not worthless.” (Musnad Ahmad)
 
Our children are an Amaanah from Allah Ta‘ala, and raising them requires more than providing for their physical needs. They need parents who will patiently teach them, lovingly guide them and courageously correct them when necessary.
 
A child who is lovingly corrected today may be protected from a far greater mistake tomorrow. The correction that feels difficult in the moment may become the guidance that shapes his character for years to come.
 
UswatulMuslimah
]]>24995Fri, 09 Oct 2026 18:22:56 +0000Points to Assist a Declining Marriagehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24991-points-to-assist-a-declining-marriage/  
 
Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these basic principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence:
 
Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated
 
Amidst busy schedules and tasks on the parts of both women and men, Muslim husbands and wives tend to forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of each other. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquillity that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple’s ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries.
 
Negative Relationship between Husband & Wife
 
Some Muslim spouses relate to each other like adversaries rather than life time partners. The husband assumes the position of dictator, and whatever he says is not law. The wife on the other hand feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives do not express their gratitude to their husbands irrespective of how much the man may do for her. Instead, they adopt an attitude of ‘never enough’ and make the husband feel like a failure if he does not provide every want and desire their extravagant lifestyles dictate. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in family matters. Moreover, certain husbands become so cold and miserly that even the basic expenditure for the house is difficult to come by.
 
Nikah – A divine institution
 
The Nikah bond has been divinely established for the welfare and upkeep of a healthy and progressive community. This divine prescription has been unjustly utilised as a vehicle to perpetrate oppression, deception, humiliation, and abuse. Allah Ta’ala describes marriage very differently in the Noble Quran: ‘And from his signs are, He created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may live in tranquillity with them, and instilled love and mercy between your (hearts) . . .” (30:21)
 
Head of the Home
 
The position Islam has accorded to the man as the head of the home is a responsibility which will be accounted for, rather than a privilege which should be abused. We are taught to treat our wives well. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) has reported to have said: ‘The person possessing the most perfect faith is one who has excellent behaviour, and the best among you are those who are best towards their wives.”(Mishkat)
 
Be Partners in Decision Making
 
Follow the principle of ‘Shura,” (consultation) and make decisions as a family. Implementing this Sunnah within the home increases harmony and love between family members. It will also assist in enhancing trust and loyalty between spouses and the children.
 
Abuse
 
Abstain totally from every form of emotional, mental, or physical abuse to your spouse.
 
Watch Your Words
 
Be very careful what you say when you are upset. The wounds afflicted to the heart of a person by words will never heal and remain a lifelong memory. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. Apply the directives found in the Hadith for suppression of anger.
 
Work Together in the House
 
Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) at times assisted his wives occasionally with household chores. When Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) did not consider the housework trivial, how can we today obligate our wives to all the housework totally and much more? The primary role of the female/wife is wife, mother, homemaker and the primary role of the husband is protector and provider.
 
Communication is Important
 
Talk to each other, communicate, have a dialogue, but do it respectfully. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until they explode.
 
Live Simply
 
Do not envy or cast your gaze towards those spouses who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. Be pleased with what you have. The grass will always look greener on the other side. The wealthiest person is the one who has attained contentment of heart. To develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Repeatedly thank Allah Ta’ala for the many blessings in your life.
 
Admit Your Mistakes
 
When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never sleep angry with each other.
 
Past Problems
 
Everything that has happened is history. Repent for the past and live for the future. Do not focus discussion on the past unless it is something that will make both of you laugh.
 
The Duaa for a blissful marriage:
 
rabbana hab lana min azwaajinaa wa zurriyyatina qurrata a-ayuniw waj-alna lil muttaqeena imaama
 
(O Allah! grant us such wives and offspring who will be a source of coolness for our eyes, and make us leaders of the Allah-Fearing)
 
islaaminfo

 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians

]]>24991Sat, 05 Sep 2026 10:22:38 +0000Tips for your “Muslim Marriage” – Rights and responding to Challengeshttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24980-tips-for-your-%E2%80%9Cmuslim-marriage%E2%80%9D-%E2%80%93-rights-and-responding-to-challenges/  
 
Every marriage – no matter how stressful, boring, or happy it may be – can use certain tips to give it a boost.
 
This post reviews two pieces of advice that you could implement today for a better married life. If you’re not married, you too can benefit from the concepts as they are applicable across the board.
 
The first reminder has to do with becoming cognizant once again about our rights toward our spouses as obligated on us by Allah and His prophet (peace be upon him.) What we married couples often forget is that our “Muslim marriage”, just like the rest of our life’s aspects, is governed by the laws of Islam. These divine laws were communicated, commanded, and taught to us by the prophet (peace be upon him) through the Quran and the traditions of Hadith.
 
So, the first reminder is nothing more than to become ever conscious that the moment you entered your marriage, you became obligated to respect your spouse’s rights as defined under those divine laws. Claiming ignorance about those rights or your lack of resolve in upholding those rights therefore is not a valid excuse.
 
The problem in this regard is usually two-fold. First, many couples simply aren’t even aware and knowledgeable about the rights that both husbands and wives have over each other. It’s not uncommon for many to rush into marriages with all the fanfare but neglecting to learn Islamic teachings regarding marriage and the rights that husbands and wives have over each other. It’s only when they hit roadblocks in their marriages that they start seeking those answers. Problems surface because each spouse assumes certain rights over the other and each spouse’s personal interpretation of what’s right or wrong complicates relationships even further.
 
The second problem is that while many of us may take the time to understand how their partner is not meeting their individual rights, they often neglect to learn their obligations toward the other spouse. Driven selfishly, each spouse gets preoccupied with how their partner isn’t contributing to the relationship rather than realizing how one is deficient in fulfilling their own obligations.
 
In the daily routine of give and take therefore, if your relationship is hitting hurdles, both of you ought to invest the time and effort to learn about those rights and obligations. Use this reminder to make a permanent mental note to help you become conscious of how knowingly or unknowingly you transgress and violate your spouse’s rights. Remember, you will be questioned about them.
 
Allah Ta’ala says about our obligations in general:
“O you who believe! Fulfill (your) obligations” )Quran: al-Maa’idah 5:1)
“And fulfill (every) covenant. Verily, the covenant will be questioned about” )Quran: al-Isra’ 17:34)
“And whoever transgresses the limits ordained by Allah, then such are the Zalimoon (wrong-doers, etc.)” (Quran: Al-Baqarah; 2:229)
 
Now to the second reminder – Every relationship is bound to have disagreements, day to day challenges pertaining to a family life, or your spouse just having a “bad day.” These shouldn’t be mistaken for a bad relationship.
 
Where relationships go sour are in how couples respond to such situations. When response to such situations involves disrespect for the other individual, cracks start appearing in relationships. This “disrespect” includes but isn’t limited to putting down the other individual, disregard for the others opinions, raising one’s voice disrespectfully, etc. This then leads to a communications breakdown where disagreements turn into full fledged disputes, small mistakes by one are perceived as crimes by the other, and just an ordinary “bad” day turns worse by spouses ending up in major fights – sometimes climaxing to points of no return.
 
We should recognize that Allah created us humans and has codified dignity and respect part of our being. Therefore, when we trample over someone leaving them feel disrespected, we are bound to invoke an equal or worse response from our spouses along with sowing in their hearts the seeds of animosity, hatred and mistrust. So, remember that of all the things that we may use at our disposal to relieve stress or resolve a situation, disrespecting the other shouldn’t be one of them.
 
Both Allah and the prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the respect and honor that we are entitled to as Muslims and humans. Allah says in the Quran:
 
“And indeed We have honored the Children of Adam, and We have carried them on land and sea, and have provided them with At-Tayyibat (lawful good things), and have preferred them above many of those whom We have created with a marked preferment.” (Quran: Al-Isra, Chapter #17, Verse #70)
 
During his last sermon, the prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
 
“Your BLOOD, your WEALTH and your HONOR are sacred among you, as sacred as this day of yours in this month of yours in this land of yours. Let those who are present convey it to those who are absent; perhaps he will convey it to one who has more understanding than he does.” (Bukhari).
 
Abdullah bin Umro reported that he saw the prophet going around the Kaabah in Tawaf saying (to the Kaabah):
 
“How pure are you and how pure is your fragrance. How great is your majesty and your sanctity. By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad (SAWS), the sanctity of a believer in front of Allah is more than your sanctity – His possessions and his life and we always think good of him.” (Ibn Majah)
 
So, remember that a happy marriage is one in which couples find ways to tackle and resolve challenges without being disrespectful to the other. You can have your tough talks as long as you don’t cross the lines in disrespecting each other. Remember that Islam’s teachings never sanctioned to denigrate human dignity even in times of war then how can we in supposed bonds of love step out of that realm?
 
Conclusion
 
To conclude, wives can strive to become what the prophet referred to in this hadith:
The Prophet (pbuh) said: “The entire world is full of resources, and among them the best resource is a righteous wife.” (Sahih Muslim)
 
And for men, the prophet had this to say –
“The most complete believer is the best in character, and the best of you is the best to his womenfolk.” (Tirmidhi)
 

Let’s learn our rights toward each other and let’s not be disrespectful to the other even when we are dealing with tough situation.

 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians

]]>24980Thu, 09 Jul 2026 07:28:36 +0000Where do righteous children come from?https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24957-where-do-righteous-children-come-from/  
How can righteous children be born when a mother’s attention is entirely on food, the house, the internet, and the marketplace?

 

How can a righteous, scholarly, or ḥāfiẓ (memorizer of Qur’an) child be raised when the mother can spend hours on Facebook and WhatsApp, but cannot sit for even one hour to help her child memorize half a page of Qur’an or one Hadīth?

 

How can a righteous child be raised when neither parent sits with the child to share stories of the Ṣaḥābah (Companions) and the pious predecessors?

 

How can a righteous and capable child be raised when money is spent on makeup, fashion, jewellery, restaurants, and entertainment—but not on beneficial knowledge?

 

How can a righteous child be raised when the neighbours hear the parents’ arguments and shouting?

 

How can a strong and confident child be raised when he is constantly scolded, humiliated, and embarrassed in front of others?

 

How can a righteous child be raised when the parents themselves have no interest in attending gatherings of knowledge and remembrance, nor in learning the Deen?

 

How can a righteous child be raised when the father neglects his responsibility of tarbiyah (Islamic upbringing) and does not share this duty with the mother?

 

How can a righteous child be raised when all focus is on outward appearance, worldly decoration, and comfort—while the soul, Salāh, Qur’an, and Deen are forgotten?

 

How can a righteous child be raised when we hand them a mobile phone at a young age and leave them unsupervised in the dangerous world of social media?

 

It is the righteousness and effort of parents that produces a righteous generation, and a righteous generation is the means for the reform of the Ummah.
 
 
Allah Ta‘ala says: “And their father was a righteous man.” (Surah al-Kahf, 18:82)
 
 
Imam Ahmad ibn Ḥanbal (rahimahullah) said about his mother: “My mother made me memorize the Qur’an by the age of ten. She would wake me before Fajr, heat water for my wuḍū’ on cold nights, dress me, and accompany me to the masjid with full modesty, even though the masjid was far and the road was dark.”
 
 
A scholar once said: “Do not think that every woman who sends her son to seek knowledge will have a son who becomes like Imam Mālik or Sufyān (al-Thawrī). The real secret was not only in Mālik or Sufyān, but in their mothers — the mother of Mālik and the mother of Sufyān.”
 
 
Indeed, Allah Ta‘ala blesses children through the sincerity and piety of their parents.
 
 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians

]]>24957Sun, 23 Nov 2025 10:42:12 +0000When Patience Is Tested in Marriagehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24955-when-patience-is-tested-in-marriage/ Q. When the limits of patience in marriage feel tested, what should a spouse do? Should one respond with anger and conflict, or should one choose Sabr (patience)?
 
A. Marriage in Islam is meant to be a relationship of peace, tranquility, and harmony – sukoon, mawaddah, and rahmah – as described by Allah Ta‘ala in the Qur’aan. This beautiful state is achieved when both husband and wife strive to follow the commands of Allah Ta‘ala and the teachings of Rasulullah ﷺ, moulding their home upon the example of the noble life of Nabi Muhammad ﷺ.
 
A home built on the Sunnah invites barakah. Reciting the du‘aas when entering and leaving the home, engaging in daily ta‘leem, regular tilaawat of the Qur’aan, and making salaah a priority – all these chases away shaytaan and draw the angels of mercy. Without salaah, a Muslim’s compass becomes distorted, and this affects the peace of the entire household.
 
Spouses should also share simple acts of love: eating from the same utensils, reminding each other of goodness, engaging in zikrullah during daily activities, and encouraging one another to maintain closeness to Allah Ta‘ala. When gaining the pleasure of Allah becomes the mutual goal, then hearts naturally unite. The spouses become best friends, true partners, and their marriage becomes filled with mawaddah (love), muhabbah (affection), and Sukoon (peace and tranquility).
 
With such a foundation, any bumps or challenges that arise in the marriage are faced with maturity, calmness, and sweetness rather than harshness. Arguments become rare, and even when they occur, they are dealt with gracefully.
 
It is also important that spouses communicate openly, be transparent, approachable, and comforting to one another. Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’aan-e-Kareem: “Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them.” Just as clothes protect, comfort, and beautify, so too must husband and wife be a means of ease and warmth for each other.
 
What to Do When an Argument or Disagreement Happens:
 
Despite all efforts, it is natural that misunderstandings may appear. When this happens, Islam teaches a simple and wise approach:
 
1. One party must remain silent.
Two people shouting do not solve a problem. Only shout when there is a fire.
 
2. Allow the moment to calm down.
Do not discuss or solve the issue while emotions are high.
 
3. After things settle, approach the matter with gentleness.
Speak kindly, explain calmly, and seek to resolve the issue with a fresh and happy state of mind.
 
4. Never go to bed with unresolved conflict.
The Sahabah and the pious elders would ensure their affairs—especially between spouses—were settled before sleeping. Our homes should follow this noble example.
By following these principles, Allah Ta‘ala will bless the marriage with true peace. Patience then becomes sweet, not bitter, strength, not weakness.
May Allah Ta‘ala grant you – and all married couples – the true spirit, blessings, and fruits of Nikah as outlined in the Qur’aan and demonstrated by the life of Rasulullah ﷺ.
 
And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
 
Mufti Muhammed Hamza Farooqui
Mufti Taahir Hansa
 

(The answer hereby given is specifically based on the question asked and should be read together with the question asked. Islamic rulings on this Q&A newsletter are answered in accordance to the Hanafi Fiqh unless otherwise stated.) 

 

 
Fatwa Department
Jamiatul Ulama (KZN) 
Council of Muslim Theologians
]]>24955Sun, 23 Nov 2025 10:39:15 +0000"Happ Marriage" Serieshttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24946-happ-marriage-series/ jamiat.org

“Team work makes dream work’’ Series 2 – Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The stories in our articles are not factual. Their themes however, are based on real life challenges.

This series is aimed at the married males in our community. As with series one, using real life stories, we will attempt to tread over some challenging marital minefields. InshaAllah, we look towards resolutions and not explosions!

In series 1, which was aimed at the married females, we looked at, the perfection of our Deen, the perfect marriage system that Allah has created for us to enjoy with dignity and that spouses are meant to complement one another. However, since humans are imperfect and our level of Taqwa is rather diluted in comparison to the Sahaba Radiyallahu Anhum, there is bound to be some misunderstanding, miscommunicating and other such “misses” through the spousal relationship. When these happen, perhaps we may use it as a reminder of the fact that the Sifat (Quality) of Perfection belongs to Allah alone and we certainly cannot expect humans to be flawless.

We also looked at some useful skills to apply to mitigate the marital challenges and where necessary, the permissibility of some tough decisions.

In this Chapter, we promised to help the males understand how to humbly carry their position as the Ameer (leader) of the family. Let’s begin:

One sunny summer’s day, into our offices stormed a husband in crisis. Smouldering Saleem expressed that he had had just about enough from his wife. She had physically lashed out at him over what seemed to him like a small issue. Within consult, we were advised by the husband that “we must immediately fix his wife or else!” With that rather stern warning in tow, we managed to contain his smouldering and advised him diplomatically that whilst our centre does not offer overnight express miracles, we most certainly may assist them both over time with their challenges. Sounds a bit funny at this point, but as you would guess, it was not at all so in that hour.

Within the session we came to understand that in their relationship, as Ameer of the family, Smouldering Suleman took on his responsibility of steering their ship a bit too strongly…with some sharp yanking at the helm! He took most decisions without mashwera (consulting/discussion) with his wife and expected that things go as he had planned most of the time because he was of course the captain.

Let’s pause for a moment…If this description sounds a bit like you, then I’ll ask you to step into your wife’s world for a bit. Always receiving instruction, no opinions are accepted, let alone understood, constantly having to follow the husband’s lead…suddenly feels a bit hot under the collar, doesn’t it? Back to reality, know that your strength and capability to navigate turbulent seas is MashaAllah, strapping. However, even a captain has a first officer who he consults with regarding an alternative perspective. Hearing your wife’s point of view is useful and does NOT diminish your authority. It elevates your status in her eyes and heart.

Remember how Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam asked his wife Umme Salamah Radiyallahu Anha for advice when the sahaba Radiyallahu Anhum felt sad and didn’t remove their Ihraam after being unable to perform Umrah due to being prevented from the Kuffar of Makkah. Our beloved Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam took her advice and removed his Ihraam, and the Sahaba Radiyallahu Anhum followed suit.

Try it out sometimes… Ask your spouse her opinion on a subject and listen to her perspective. It does not mean that you must follow it, but it may amaze you how smart she is…if only you pause enough to ask and listen. It will do your relationship a whole lot of good if you engage in a mashwera (consulting) process with your spouse especially where the decisions concern her.

A gradual approach for the Ameer to initiate a mashwera process:

  1. At first it may feel like a daunting process. No, it does not mean you are giving away your title as Ameer. It means you are managing your position within the framework of Deen and ‘teamwork makes dream work’. Soon you will notice your relationship begin to improve.
  2. Begin with a general topic, like the weather or world news. Once you feel comfortable with hearing her opinions about this, work your way inwards to more sensitive topics.
  3. AVOID presenting your opinion when she is busy discussing hers. The point of this process is to listen to her without correcting/changing it.
  4. Of course her opinion is going to be different from yours! If Allah has created every single fingerprint different, it’s the Same One Allah who has also created your mind and her mind to think differently.
  5. We find that many males choose to engage in logical discussions rather than emotional ones. If this is your personality then this guideline may be useful for you. Repeat what it is that she has said. Another word for this is ‘validate’. This helps her feel understood. You may also add on words like “this sounds important to you” or “you saying that you like/dislike….”
  6. Thank her for her perspective and time even if you won’t follow her suggestion that time.
  7. Try as best as possible to consider her needs and appease her because one day the Ameer will stand accountable before his Creator.

Now, what to do with all that extra steering energy? We may redirect this muscle into healthier outlets. One of the skills we strongly recommend for our males is regular exercise. Exercise will help you manage the strength that you have otherwise been over-investing in your role. InshaAllah, in the next Chapter we will look at Danyal’s Dilemmas and how he worked on mitigating these.

Appa Z Aboobaker

]]>24946Sat, 23 Aug 2025 08:12:19 +0000The Spouse’s Role in Encouraging Obedience to Allah Ta'ala in Marriagehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24944-the-spouse%E2%80%99s-role-in-encouraging-obedience-to-allah-taala-in-marriage/ Nasihah (Advice): The man is responsible for his family
 
Sayyiduna Abdullah Ibn Umar Radiyallahu anhuma reported that Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, "Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. The man is a shepherd over his family and is responsible for them..." (Sahih Bukhari)
______________________________  
 
Question and Answer:
 
Q. I understand that when a man gets married, he becomes responsible for his wife and children — guiding them away from sin and encouraging them to do good. If he neglects this responsibility, he himself can be sinful.
 
My question is: how often should a husband advise his wife if he notices her committing sins — whether minor or major? For example, let’s say during the engagement or early stages of marriage, he didn’t notice these things, but they gradually became apparent over time.
 
Should he advise her once and leave it at that, or keep reminding her regularly? I’m concerned that constant reminders might come across as nagging, and cause her to resent me.
 
(Question published as received)
 
A. As a couple, it is crucial to understand that marriage is not merely a worldly bond, but a sacred partnership aimed at drawing closer to Allah Ta’ala. Just as two people build a home together, they must also build their spiritual path together — encouraging each other to increase in goodness (khayr), remain steadfast in obedience, and seek nearness to Allah through love, forgiveness, and Taqwa.
 
This mutual journey must be based on patience, mercy, and constant growth. Both husband and wife will falter at times, but what matters is returning to Allah Ta’ala together.
 
Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said: "Every child of Adam commits sins, and the best of those who sin, are those who repent." (Tirmidhī, #2499)
 
No one is free from mistakes — not the husband, not the wife. What distinguishes the righteous is not perfection, but a heart that constantly turns back to Allah in istighfaar (seeking forgiveness) and Tawbah (repentance).
 
Encouraging one another to seek Allah Ta’ala's forgiveness regularly brings Barakah and purification into the home.
 
Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has stated: "Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. The man is a shepherd over his family and is responsible for them..." (Saheeh Bukhari #893)
 
As a husband, your role is not only to provide and protect, but to guide and nurture. If you see your wife committing errors — whether minor or major — it becomes part of your amaanah (trust) to lovingly advise her.
 
How Often Should You Advise Her?
 
This is a matter that requires wisdom (Hikmah), balance, and deep understanding.
 
1. Advise Gradually and Gently
  • Do not overwhelm her with frequent criticism.
  • Instead, correct gently, in private, with kind words.
  • Choose the right time — when she is calm, open, and receptive.
Allah Ta’ala says: "Call to the way of your Rabb with wisdom and good instruction and argue with them in the best manner." (Surah an-Nahl, 16:125)
 
If the mistake is minor, consider whether it is best to advise directly or indirectly through your actions and encouragement.
 
If it is major, then your duty is greater — but still the approach should be with love and genuine care, not harshness.
 
2. Lead by Personal Example
 
Often, the most effective form of dawah is to embody the values you wish to see.
  • Be punctual in your Salaah, speak with kindness, and show patience and gratitude.
  • Avoid sins yourself and always seek Allah Ta’ala’s forgiveness openly — this will inspire her.
Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said: "The best of you is the best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives." (Tirmidhi, #3895)
 
3. Make Sincere Du’a for Her
 
Hearts are in the control of Allah Ta’ala, not in our hands. If you truly want her to change, do not rely only on words — speak to Allah Ta’ala about her more than you speak to her about Allah Ta’ala.
 
4. Avoid Becoming a Nagging Figure
 
You are right to be concerned about becoming someone she resents. If reminders become too frequent or forceful, they may push her away instead of pulling her closer.
 
Balance between:
  • Silent patience
  • Gentle reminders
  • Loving praise when she does well
  • Encouragement in shared spiritual goals
Conclusion:
 
Build a marriage where Taqwa and mercy live side by side. Your goal is not to “fix” your wife, but to grow together in faith. Mistakes will happen, but always choose mercy over anger, love over pressure, and Du’aa over despair.
 
Note: The above advice can also be applied for a wife advising her husband.
 
And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
 
Mufti Muhammed Hamza Farooqui
Mufti Taahir Hansa
 

(The answer hereby given is specifically based on the question asked and should be read together with the question asked. Islamic rulings on this Q&A newsletter are answered in accordance to the Hanafi Fiqh unless otherwise stated.) 

 

 
Fatwa Department
Jamiatul Ulama (KZN) 
Council of Muslim Theologians
]]>24944Fri, 15 Aug 2025 07:55:43 +0000Are they prepared for Paradise?https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24907-are-they-prepared-for-paradise/  
There was once a teacher who asked the students, “What do you want to be in life?” The children gave varying replies, typically ranging from ‘doctor’, to ‘lawyer’, to ‘accountant’ etc. However, from all the answers given, there was one answer that really stood out, an answer that the teacher had never heard before. The child spontaneously replied, “I want to be a Sahaabi”.
 
Obviously, nobody can become a Sahaabi, but what this ‘career choice’ said about the child is that he aspired to be LIKE the illustrious Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum). While the other children were impressed with the lifestyle and wealth of doctors and lawyers, he identified with the beautiful qualities of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum), such as their piety, generosity, love for Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), disinterest in the world, loyalty to Islam, etc. and he wished to follow in their footsteps. How proud his parents must have been to hear that he gave this amazing answer!
 
Now, the question is, “What was it in the life of this child that moulded his mindset and prompted him to give this response?” The answer … It was the effort of his parents at home.
 
As parents, we chart the course of our children’s lives, give them direction, instill values in them and place them on the paths that they will follow. Let us ask ourselves, “What course are we charting for them, and what values are we instilling in them?”
 
Generally, from the tender age of six, the child is already enrolled into a school, and his schooling career lasts for a whole twelve years. At 190 school days a year, and seven hours a day, that equates to almost 16 000 hours spent in school! All this time spent in school is for one purpose – to one day enjoy a successful career and earn a lot of money.
 
Now, let us compare that to the amount of time dedicated to a child’s Deeni education. If the madrasah year is also 190 days, and the maktab session lasts for two hours, and the average child attends the maktab for five years (if he even attends punctually for the full period), this equates to a paltry 1 900 hours in comparison. Worryingly, it is in this meagre amount of time that the child is expected to learn the entire Deen on which his eternal success depends. This disparity is obviously a major problem…
 
This problem is compounded when the parents, directly or indirectly, ‘teach’ the children that Deen and Deeni education is unimportant and insignificant. For example, most parents will seldom allow their children to ‘bunk’ (remain absent from) school, yet frequently allow them to bunk madrasah. Likewise, many children miss madrasah due to studying for school exams, yet a child has perhaps never missed school due to studying for madrasah exams. In some cases, the parents themselves encourage the children to remain absent from madrasah, in favour of some extracurricular activity such as sport or tuition. How lamentable that even kicking a ball is given preference to learning the Word of Allah Ta‘ala!
 
In essence, the child is taught that Deen is absolutely unimportant, as making money and living luxuriously is the goal in life.
 
If our children are acquiring a school education, there must be an accompanying effort, from the parents, for the Imaan and Deeni education and security of the children. In order to achieve this, due importance must be shown to the Maktab Madrasah, and there must be a strong environment of Deen in the home (through making ta’leem, reciting the Sunnah Duas, teaching good manners and respect, performing all Salaah, etc.). If this is done correctly, then throughout the child’s life, whenever there is a clash between his material interest and Deeni interest, he will make the correct choice and remain loyal to Allah Ta‘ala – safeguarding his entry into Jannah.
 
Remember, a child can be born a Muslim, but not born a Jannati, as Jannah has to be earned. Just as we prepare our children to earn a living, let us ensure that we prepare them to earn Jannah.
 
UswatulMuslimah
 
]]>24907Sat, 18 Jan 2025 10:00:41 +0000Advice to Assist a Troubled Marriagehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24800-advice-to-assist-a-troubled-marriage/  
Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these basic principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
 
Amidst busy schedules and tasks on the parts of both women and men, Muslim husbands and wives tend to forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of each other. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquillity that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple’s ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries.
1) Negative Relationship between Husband & Wife
 
Some Muslim spouses relate to each other like adversaries rather than life time partners. The husband assumes the position of dictator, and whatever he says is law. The wife on the other hand feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives do not express their gratitude to their husbands irrespective of how much the man may do for her. Instead they adopt an attitude of ‘never enough’ and make the husband feel like a failure if he does not provide every want and desire their extravagant lifestyles dictate. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in family matters. Moreover certain husbands become so cold and miserly that even the basic expenditure for the house is difficult to come by.
2) Nikah – A divine institution

The Nikah bond has been divinely established for the welfare and upkeep of a healthy and progressive community. This divine prescription has been unjustly utilised as a vehicle to perpetrate oppression, deception, humiliation, and abuse. Allah Ta’ala describes marriage very differently in the Noble Quran: "And from his signs are, He created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may live in tranquillity with them, and instilled love and mercy between your (hearts)…“ (30:21)
 
3) Head of the Home

The position Islam has accorded to the man as the head of the home is a responsibility which will be accounted for, rather than a privilege which should be abused. We are taught to treat our wives well. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) has reported to have said: "The person possessing the most perfect faith is one who has excellent behaviour, and the best among you are those who are best towards their wives”. (Mishkaat)
 
4) Be Partners in Decision Making

Follow the principle of ‘Shura,” (consultation) and make decisions as a family. Implementing this Sunnah within the home increases harmony and love between family members. It will also assist in enhancing trust and loyalty between spouses and the children.
 
5) Abuse

Abstain totally from every form of emotional, mental, or physical abuse to your spouse.
 
6) Watch Your Words

Be very careful what you say when you are upset. The wounds afflicted to the heart of a person by words will never heal and remain a lifelong memory. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. Apply the directives found in the Hadith for suppression of anger.
 
7) Work Together in the House Occasionally

Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) occasionally assisted his wives with household chores. When Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) did not consider the housework trivial, how can we today obligate our wives to all the house work and much more?
 
8) Communication is Important

Talk to each other, communicate, have a dialogue, but do it respectfully. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until they explode.
 
9) Live Simply

Do not envy or cast your gaze towards those spouses who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. Be pleased with what you have. The grass will always look greener on the other side. The wealthiest person is the one who has attained contentment of heart. To develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Repeatedly thank Allah Ta’ala for the many blessings in your life.
 
10) Admit Your Mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never sleep angry with each other.
 
11) Past Problems

Everything that has happened is history. Repent for the past and live for the future. Do not focus discussion on the past unless it is something that will make both of you laugh.
 
The Dua for a blissful marriage: Rabbana hab lana min azwaajinaa wa zurriyyatina qurrata a-ayun waj-alna lil muttaqeena imaama 
 
(O Allah! grant us such wives and offspring who will be a source of coolness for our eyes, and make us leaders of the Allah-Fearing).

 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians

]]>24800Sat, 05 Oct 2024 07:06:28 +0000Is it permissible to take your wife’s opinion?https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24780-is-it-permissible-to-take-your-wife%E2%80%99s-opinion/ Q. I was discussing a matter with my friend and there were two reasonable options before me. I said I will consider my wife's opinion and then decide accordingly. My friend said that this is incorrect and goes against the teachings of Islam.
 
Is there anything wrong with seeking one's wife's opinion? If it is acceptable to do so, could you please provide the evidence from Islamic teachings? Also, I would appreciate any additional insights on the matter.
 
A. There is nothing wrong with seeking the opinion of your wife or any other family member, and it is certainly not against the Quran or Hadith. In fact, taking advice from those close to you, especially your spouse, is not only permissible but also recommended in Islam.
 
One of the most profound examples of this can be found in the life of our beloved Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam. When Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam received the first revelation in the cave of Hira, he was deeply shaken and unsure of what had just happened. He immediately went to his wife, Sayyidatuna Khadijah (Radhiyallahu Anha), seeking her comfort and advice. It was Khadijah (Radhiyallahu Anha) who reassured him, reminded him of his good character, and supported him during this crucial time. She played a vital role in comforting him and in helping him understand that what he had experienced was a divine message from Allah Ta’ala. This incident is a clear example that seeking the counsel of one’s wife is not only permissible but can be of great benefit.
 
The Quran also encourages mutual consultation. In Surah Ash-Shura (42:38), Allah Ta’ala praises those who conduct their affairs by mutual consultation. The verse says: "And those who have responded to their lord and established prayer and whose affair is [determined by] consultation among themselves, and from what We have provided them, they spend."
 
This verse highlights the importance of Shura (consultation) in making decisions, and this principle applies within the family as well.
 
There is also a Hadith that supports the importance of consultation. Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam said: "The one who seeks counsel is never disappointed…" (Narrated by al-Tabarani in al-awsat)
 
This Hadith emphasizes that consulting others, including one's spouse, is a means of avoiding disappointment and making sound decisions.
 
In summary, seeking the opinion of your wife or any other close person is not only permissible but is encouraged in Islam. The example of the Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam and the teachings of the Quran and Hadith all point to the wisdom and benefit in mutual consultation, especially within the family.
 
And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
 
Mufti Muhammed Hamza Farooqui
Mufti Taahir Hansa
 

(The answer hereby given is specifically based on the question asked and should be read together with the question asked. Islamic rulings on this Q&A newsletter are answered in accordance to the Hanafi Fiqh unless otherwise stated.) 

 

 
Fatwa Department
Jamiatul Ulama (KZN) 
Council of Muslim Theologians
]]>24780Thu, 22 Aug 2024 07:37:12 +0000How to Fight With Your Spousehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24775-how-to-fight-with-your-spouse/  
Fights happen in marriage. It’s a normal part of the deal. Marriage consists of two people, and as such, they will naturally differ and disagree on things from time to time.
 
The real question is: HOW do we disagree?
 
What should these arguments or fights look like?
 
Should they be a free for all?
 
Or are there some ground rules, guidelines for how to conduct ourselves as husbands and wives when we do fight?
 
Here is what I’ve learned from my own marriage and the marriages I’ve seen around me: Do not fight dirty.
 
What’s fighting dirty?
 
Some people, when they get mad, aren’t able to contain their anger or control themselves. They feel their anger building and let it rage into a blazing inferno, raging out of control. In this state, they let loose, allowing themselves to say whatever comes to their angry mind. They deliberately target what they know their spouse is sensitive about, what will devastate and wound the spouse. They go for the jugular. They have no filter in that moment and will say literally anything and everything they can think of in order to hurt the other person and “win” the fight.
 
But there is no winning like this. Even if you “win” like this, you’ve lost.
 
You’ve lost the trust and love of your spouse, you’ve damaged the relationship, you’ve sacrificed your marriage to score some cheap points in the heat of anger.
 
This is fighting dirty.
 
If a couple gets into the mode of fighting dirty, it can be hard to fix. Some things, once said, cannot be unsaid. Once your spouse has heard you belittle, disrespect, or mock him or her in a certain way, he or she cannot un-hear that. The damage is done, despite the apologies that might come later. Not all jabs are erased by even a sincere apology. Some things cut deep, and leave lasting marks. This affects the relationship quality, weakens the marriage bond.
 
Here are some concrete things you should NOT do while fighting with your spouse:
 
1. No cursing, swearing, cussing. We don’t use the f-word or other filthy language, no matter how angry we feel.
2. No name-calling.
3. No using what you know is going to really truly hurt and devastate your spouse. Don’t use the intimate details they shared with you in confidence once against him or her, just to twist the knife now in a fight.
4. No bringing in other stuff not related to the current fight. Focus on the issue at hand without piling on other stuff that’s irrelevant.
5. No dragging up past mistakes your spouse made, if you’ve already forgiven him or her. This is unfair.
6. No threatening divorce willy nilly. Don’t keep bringing up the possibility of leaving the other person during every small and big argument. This is unnecessary.
7. No involving the kids. Go have your fight in the privacy of your own room, especially if it gets heated.
8. No belittling or mocking your spouse in the presence of others. Show respect and restraint even if you’re mad.
9. No mocking things your spouse genuinely can’t control or help, like an illness he or she has, a fertility problem, being too short/ tall, being dark or light-skinned. These are unchangeable features of your spouse that were determined by Allah who created him or her; this cannot be helped. It’s not his or her fault. You knew this before marriage. Don’t come now and mock it because you’re mad. This is a cheap shot.
10. No attributing intentions to your spouse. You cannot know someone else’s intentions, because the niyyah is in their heart, known only by themselves and by Allah. You can say what it looks like, but you cannot just assign a specific (malicious) intention to the other person when you can’t know that since you can’t see into his or her heart.
 
These are the top ten etiquettes that are important to stick to during marital disagreements. It’s not a free for all. We don’t go wild. There are certain red lines we never cross, even at the height of anger.
 
The Muslim has taqwa of Allah, even when angry or in the middle of a heated fight. A Muslim is not foul-mouthed, vulgar, or merciless. Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi was sallam said, “The believer is not one who insults others, nor curses others, nor is vulgar, nor shameless.” [Tirmidhi]
 
If done right, with restraint, self-control, and taqwa, a couple can actually get closer and more aligned after having a fight.
 
If done wrong, fights can destroy a marriage entirely.
 
May Allah grant us all taqwa of Him even during moments of anger, and bless the marriages of this ummah, ameen.
 
muslimskeptic.com
]]>24775Sat, 17 Aug 2024 07:46:44 +0000My Mother in law - One in a Millionhttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24764-my-mother-in-law-one-in-a-million/  
My mother in law, widowed for twenty-five years, was one in a million. She was my friend, my mother, not a ‘mother in law’.
 
I spent thirty one years of my life with her. I can’t remember a single day that we ever fought or argued. We had our differences but never things that got out of hand. She would easily resolve things with her heart of gold.
 
Here are a few things that she did that made us friends rather than in laws:
 
1. She never stayed angry for more than an hour
2. It was always more important to her that we have a good relationship so that we could live happily.
3. She never interfered in my marriage or in the upbringing of my children.
4. She gave me authority and respect in her home.
5. One of the golden ingredients of her successful recipe was that she never complained to her son (my husband) or to my mother about me. In turn I never complained to my husband about her. We always sorted out our problems with each other. In this way my husband was spared of being caught in the middle, choosing sides, his mother or me.
6. Our personalities were different but due to our understanding and mutual respect, we got on like a ‘house on fire’.
7. She loved me unconditionally for who I was, not for what I could do for her. In return it was easy for me to do things for her to make her happy.
8. She always acknowledged and appreciated whatever I did for her.
9. She always took my part over her son, even if I was wrong.
10. Whenever she was wrong she never hesitated to apologize and ask for maaf! This was a truly remarkable quality. It takes a really amazing woman to do that. Not many mothers in law would be able to do this. And when she would do this, I would become extremely embarrassed, feeling terrible that my mother is asking me for maaf.   
11. She had no qualms in praising me in front of others. She would always say that she was so lucky to have me. Truly speaking I was the lucky one to have her as my mother in law.
12. Some other qualities of hers was that her heart was always clean, she never kept any ill feelings in her heart and she was very soft hearted.
13. She was always humble, smiling and giggling.
14. She never complained about taking care of my brother in law who is mentally challenged and took him with her wherever she went. She did not make him my responsibility.
15. She loved my children unconditionally and never bothered of they made a noise or mess in her house. She would just say, “Leave them, children are not normal if they are not naughty.”
16. She had an amazing quality of feeding people. If you came to her home, she would never allow you to leave without eating. If she had no visitors then she would send food, baking or naan to her neighbours and friends. Even when she was ill and people came to visit she would ask me if I had fed them. A beautiful Sunnah which is dying so fast today.
17. She always had time for everyone, especially her nephews and nieces who were all beloved to her and in return she was beloved to them.
18. Most importantly, she always kept family ties in spite of living so far away from everyone.
 
I hope that I can follow in those footsteps of hers. I truly loved her with all my heart. For my daughters, their Dadi was their world. I have lost my friend, my companion and my support of thirty one years.
 
May Allah Ta’ala grant her the highest stages in Jannatul Firdaus, Aameen.
 
From the Jamiatul Ulama KZN Social Office:
 
The social department works primarily with relationship conflict on a consistent basis.
 
We exist as social beings in this Dunya and relationships are central to our existence. Just as we require a license to drive a car, so too should we equip ourselves with the correct skills to efficiently maintain our relationships.
 
Alhamdulillah, this heartwarming message presents some fundamental values required for a healthy relationship. In-law relationships in particular appear to be fraught with misunderstandings and a lack of tolerance. Media has also contributed to the added perception that this relationship is necessarily difficult. The alternative narrative like this message presents becomes useful in shifting current views.
 
A healthy relationship recognizes that individuals are different, so we learn to appreciate our differences. We respect and appreciate a person's individuality whether they are our senior or junior.
 
Insaan (humans) comes from the root word 'nasiya' which means 'to forget'...if we can so often forget our Creator, we can also definitely forget the rights another insaan has over us. So we learn to tolerate, overlook and forgive the other persons shortcomings as we recognise that we too are an imperfect insaan. How do we do so? ...we take the good someone has to offer and we disengage from the imperfect bits. We choose to look through rose-tinted glasses and focus on the strengths/positives of the person.
 
If we choose to stand rigidly by the rights that we have over another person, we will be unlikely to enjoy survival of relationship. If we instead choose the path of ehsaan, we let go of our own emotional burdens and we permit ourselves to enjoy a better quality of relationship.
 
Alhamdulillah, this message is indeed one in a million. It is exceptionally beautiful to hear that the teachings of our beloved Nabi saw are being actively applied in today's time.
 
A final word, the shift begins with us in tiny steps and restart by purifying our intention....Oh my Creator, I am doing this overlooking, even though it feels hard right now only for Your pleasure....You have promised my reward for it.
 
The rest will fall into place from Allah directly InshaAllah.
 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians

]]>24764Sun, 04 Aug 2024 08:41:19 +0000Hijacking Hotspotshttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24711-hijacking-hotspots/  
I remember a time when neighbourhoods were safe and the streets were free from threats and dangers. As children, we could leave home on our bicycles to go to the masjid or to attend a Deeni program and return to our own home hours later, and there would be no great cause for concern or worry. This was despite the fact that from the time we left home until we returned, we were unreachable as we did not have phones in our pockets at the time.
 
Compare that era to the present, and the contrast is as clear as chalk and cheese. In today’s times, kidnappings, muggings, hijackings, assaults and the like are rife and perpetually on the increase. However, many parents have identified these threats and have taken certain steps in an attempt to mitigate the danger. Neighbourhood patrols and guard huts are some of the measures implemented, together with keeping the children at home, or at least under adult supervision at all times, so that they may be protected from harm.
 
All this is done in order to secure the physical safety of the child, as the physical safety of the child is taken very seriously.
 
However, far more disastrous than any physical danger or harm befalling the child is for the child to suffer imaani danger or harm. The reason is that the child may recover from physical harm, or if not, then being a Muslim, he will gain entry into Jannah. However, if the child loses his imaan and grows up on kufr, then he will be doomed to eternal misery and suffering in the Hellfire, and this is infinitely worse than any physical harm he may suffer in this world.
 
Therefore, just as parents are wary of physical dangers, they need to be doubly or triply wary of any and every fitnah that threatens the Imani safety of the child. ‘Hijacking hotspots’, where the child’s Imaan may be waylaid and looted, must be identified and avoided at all costs, as it is not merely one’s wallet, car or even life on the line – it is one’s eternal salvation that one may lose.
 
From all the hotspots where Imaan is lost, one of the hottest hotspots at present is the school. It is an undeniable reality that many schools teach theories and espouse values that are diametrically opposite to the pure and pristine beliefs and values of Islam.
 
In these schools, children are taught the Big Bang theory – that the origin of the earth was a Big Bang, not the creation of Allah Ta‘ala. They are taught that man descended from apes – not from Nabi Aadam (‘alaihis salaam) who was created by Allah Ta‘ala. They are also taught that LGBTQIA+ is acceptable, and to speak against it is a crime – and this directly clashes with the Quraan Majeed which unequivocally declares that it is filthy and immoral.
 
If our children are attending such schools, then it is almost certain that they have been exposed to such ‘atomic bombs’ which blast their Imaan to smithereens. As parents, have we ever sat with our children and asked them what they have learnt in school? Are we aware of the values they are imbibing and information they are receiving in school, or are we wilfully ignorant, congratulating ourselves with the fact that they are receiving a ‘quality education’?
 
The fact of the matter is that countless youth, and even adults in their advanced years (a long time later), have come forward and confessed that on account of the seed of atheism being planted in their mind at a young age in school (through being taught Darwinism, the Big Bang theory, etc.), they have always had doubts regarding Islam.
 
Shockingly, such people are sometimes seen to be pillars of the community, coming from good homes, leading respectable lives and are even seen in the masjid. However, one now wonders whether their lifetime of ‘ibaadah was even valid, considering the doubtful condition of their Imaan, and one similarly wonders what their outcome will be if they pass away in such a state. Similar is the case of the increasing number of boys and girls who are falling into the trap of LGBTQIA+, as regarding such filth to be permissible and acceptable causes one to lose his/her Imaan.
 
Can such a severe danger ever be ignored, side-lined or overlooked? Never! No parent who claims to love their child and wishes well for him can ever leave him defenceless and exposed to such fatal threats.
 
The hadeeth mentions that it is mainly the parents who plot the course which their children will follow in life. (Saheeh Bukhaari #1358) If we fall short in protecting the Imaan of our children, by placing them in the wrong schools and not seeing to it that they are taught the correct Islamic beliefs and values, then we will be risking their eternal salvation and entry into Jannah, and we ourselves will also be held accountable and will face the consequences for neglecting to safeguard their Imaan.
 
May Allah Ta‘ala protect our Imaan and the Imaan of every child in the Ummah, aameen.
 
UswatulMuslimah
]]>24711Sat, 10 Feb 2024 09:53:10 +0000But He Grew Up in Front of Me!https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24679-but-he-grew-up-in-front-of-me/  
Growing up, as young children aged six or seven, we had the run of the home. Since we were still small, we felt that the laws of purdah between strange males and females did not pertain to us, and hence if there were visitors at home, we could enter both the men’s and women’s section of the house. In fact, this was quite convenient as we could then help to serve the visitors, assist with clearing up, etc.
 
However, as time passed, we grew up and eventually crossed the threshold of puberty and maturity. Now, we were no longer small children, but were regarded as adults in regard to the laws of the Sharee‘ah.
 
The problem though is that many of the old men and women before whom we grew up still claimed to view us as children. If we attempted to make purdah from them – as we rightfully should – they would protest and say, “But he/she grew up in front of me! I saw him/her when he/she was still in diapers!”
 
They themselves gave the answer to their objection but failed to see it - the child GREW UP and is no longer a child.
 
This situation, where an older person feels that there is no need to observe purdah as the child grew up in front of him (or her), is common with elder cousins, the wives of maternal or paternal uncles (from whom the uncle’s nephews should adopt purdah), and with the husbands of paternal and maternal aunts (from whom the nieces should adopt purdah), as well as with old family friends and acquaintances.
 
Unfortunately, even when the young boy or girl reaches the age of fifteen or sixteen, and their bodies are already well developed, they are still sometimes called to give the ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’ a hug – all in the name of ‘family ties’ and being ‘courteous’. Thereafter, if the boy or girl refuses or displays reluctance, then sadly, it is often their own parents who scold them and attempt to pressurise them into ‘making aunty or uncle happy’.
 
In an attempt to justify and condone this shameful behaviour, the ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’ will claim that their hearts are clean, and they may even attempt to pin the blame on the youngster saying, “How can you suspect me of having evil intentions?”
 
The reality of the matter though, is that no matter how ‘clean’ the person claims his heart may be, it can never be cleaner and purer than the hearts of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) – yet they adopted this type of purdah in their lives, teaching the Ummah that the laws of purdah apply equally to one and all, and a person feeling that he has a ‘clean heart’ does not exempt him from the laws of purdah.
 
At the time when Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) performed Hijrah and arrived in Madeenah Munawwarah, Sayyiduna Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was a young boy, approximately eight years of age. His respected mother, Sayyidah Ummu Sulaim (radhiyallahu ‘anha), brought him to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) and said, “O Rasul of Allah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)! There is no man or woman of the Ansaar who has not presented you with a gift. However, I do not have anything to present to you as a gift besides my son. Therefore, (please) accept him for your service.”
 
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) accepted him, and in this manner, Sayyiduna Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was blessed to remain in the close company of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) as his special attendant for ten years, until Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) departed from this world. (Majma‘uz Zawaaid #1494)
 
In the initial stages after the hijrah, the laws of purdah and hijaab had still not been revealed. Hence, while in the service of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) at that time, Sayyiduna Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), who was still young, would enter the home of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) in order to serve him.
 
However, in the year 4 A.H. or 5 A.H., on the occasion of the waleemah of Sayyidah Zainab bintu Jahsh (radhiyallahu ‘anha), the verses containing the command of purdah were revealed. Sayyiduna Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), who would have been approximately 13 or 14 years old at that time, mentions that as soon as these verses were revealed, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) lowered the curtain at the doorway of his home and did not allow Sayyiduna Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) to enter the home. (Saheeh Muslim #3502)
 
UswatulMuslimah
]]>24679Fri, 27 Oct 2023 17:53:54 +0000Drowning!https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24525-drowning/ Did you know that an adult can drown in just 60 seconds, and a child can drown in just 20 seconds?
 
Did you know that it takes just half a cup of water entering your lungs to cause you to drown?
 
Did you know that in most cases, drownings are silent, without any desperate splashing or shouting for help?
 
Did you know that the majority of drownings occur within 10 meters of safety?
 
The above statistics probably come as a surprise to most people, but they highlight a crucial point – drowning occurs very quickly, and it is generally due to a brief lapse in the attention of those supervising the children. Thus, experts advise that when children are in water, adults should scan the water every 10 seconds, looking for signs of distress, and should be able to reach a child in trouble within 20 seconds.
 
Now, just as a child can drown in water and lose his life, there is another form of drowning which can take place which is even worse than drowning in water. This is the drowning of our children’s imaan in the floods of fitnah (Deeni and imaani trials).
 
This drowning is far worse and far more tragic, as the child losing his imaan, and later on passing away in a state of disbelief, will result in him being condemned to Jahannam for eternity.
 
When we examine the two forms of drowning, we find that they are similar in most respects. A child’s imaan can be affected in mere seconds, and it takes just a small influence, such as a movie, book, or corrupt friend, to drown his imaan. Likewise, the drowning of the imaan is generally silent, due to which parents only recognize the damage when it is already too late. Similarly, the drowning of the imaan can take place close to home – or even under the parents’ roof – if the parents are lax and do not exercise vigilance in monitoring and supervising their children.
 
Hence, just as parents need to constantly keep an eye on their children when they are in the water, and need to look out for signs of distress, parents must keep an eye on their children in these times of fitnah and look out for signs of the imaan being eroded and destroyed. Subtle changes in the child’s attitude and behaviour, such as a change in language (use of vulgar language, etc.), changes in dressing and secretive and furtive behaviour are all signs that should sound the warning bells.
 
Nevertheless, among the main fitnahs which cause a child’s imaan to drown are the following:
 
> Friends: The blessed hadeeth of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) teaches us that a person’s behaviour, attitude, mindset and ways will be moulded by his friends and the company that he keeps. (Sunan Abi Dawood #4833) Hence, most smokers and drug users will admit that the habit commenced through the influence of friends. Likewise, in many cases, watching pornography and other similar evils were also learnt through corrupt friends.
 
> Media: Books (novels), movies, songs and TV series are all major contributors to the loss of imaan. In regard to these influences, it should be borne in mind that the danger to the imaan is over and above the sin of listening to music and watching movies and TV (as photography and movies of animate objects are haraam). Such is the subtle yet fatal influence of such media that a child once professed that he finds more inspiration in watching The Lord of the Rings (a certain movie based on a fictitious novel) than he finds in reading incidents from the lives of the illustrious Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum)! Similarly, such media has even managed to romanticize lesbianism, satanism and other evils which a believer, by his very nature, should abhor and detest.
 
> Cell phone and Internet: Though it’s been said before, the danger can never be overstated and hence it will be said again – at the mere swipe of a finger, the cell phone and internet gives one access to the darkest of evils and most twisted of sins. Furthermore, social media has promoted illicit relationships to such an extent that let alone the effect it has on the youth - it has even caused countless marriages to shatter and fall apart. Through a cell phone and the internet, one can access every other fitnah such as corrupt friends, illicit relationships, movies, etc.
 
> Other Influences: Other influences include the school curriculum which now preaches tolerance and support for LGBTQ+ relationships, advocates for equality between men and women, teaches Darwin’s theory of human evolution, etc. whereas these teachings diametrically oppose the pristine teachings and beliefs of Islam.
 
If any parent is negligent in supervising his child and the child thereafter drowns, the parents will forever be blameworthy as their negligence led to the disaster that befell their child. In the very same way, if we are negligent in monitoring the imaan of our children, we will be taken to task by Allah Ta‘ala, as it is the fardh obligation of every parent to make an effort to save his household from Jahannam.
 
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) has advised that in times of fitnah, people will find safety through remaining at home. (Sunan Tirmizi #2406)
 
Likewise, another hadeeth mentions that when Dajjaal emerges, people will try to keep their family members at home so that they remain safe. (Musnad Ahmad #5353) Thus, we should exercise extreme caution in sending our children out of the home (e.g. sleepovers, etc.), as their imaan can drown in mere moments.
 
If a child is able to swim, he will be safer in the water, though he will still be at risk. In fact, the stronger he is at swimming, the better his chances of survival will be. Thus, together with monitoring and supervising our children, we must make an effort to strengthen their imaan so that they will be able to remain afloat and swim against the tides and floods of fitnahs. This effort will be made through ensuring that the child attends the maktab madrasah, engaging in daily home ta’leem, and also illuminating the home and hearts with zikr, du‘aa, recitation of the Quraan Majeed, etc.
 
These are the ‘life vests’ that will keep the child’s imaan afloat and help him to survive the temptations and fitnahs that try to drag him beneath the flood water and drown his imaan.
 
May Allah Ta‘ala safeguard our imaan and the imaan of our progenies until the Day of Qiyaamah, aameen.
 
Uswatul Muslimah
]]>24525Sun, 26 Jun 2022 10:20:09 +0000Securing Our Children from Hidden Threatshttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24447-securing-our-children-from-hidden-threats/  Every parent has deep love for their child, causing them to constantly feel concerned over the safety, well-being and progress of the child. Such is the concern of the parents that if they hear of any threat in the neighbourhood, such as kidnappings, they will immediately caution their children and keep them housebound, out of the fear that they should not become victims. Furthermore, when leaving the home, the parents will not allow the child out of their sight, and may even go to the extent of holding their hand the entire time. However, this is as far as visible threats are concerned.
 
Just as there are visible people who are threats to our young children, there is also an unseen or invisible danger that threatens our children. This is the threat of shayaateen and jinn that cast their evil influence over young children, thus harming and affecting them.
 
Sayyiduna Jaabir bin ‘Abdillah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said, “When the night comes in, then hold back your children (i.e. keep them indoors). When some portion of the night has passed then you may leave them (to come out of the home).”
 
The hadeeth further explains that the reason for this is that the evil jinn are especially active and roam about at that time. Hence, there is a fear that they may harm or affect young children (who are more vulnerable to these types of attacks. (Sahih Bukhari)
 
Ibnul Jowzi (rahimahullah) has mentioned that one of the reasons for young children being more vulnerable is that they generally cannot read the Duas of protection. (Fathul Baari vol. 6, pg. 420)
 
Hence, we should make a concerted effort to teach our children the Duas of protection, as soon as they are able to learn them, as well as inculcate in them the habit to recite these Duas regularly. By doing so, insha-Allah our children will remain safeguarded from the attacks and evil influence of the jinn.
 
We should also make Dua to Allah Ta‘ala for their protection. Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbaas (radhiyallahu ‘anhuma) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) would recite the following Dua for the protection of his grandsons, Sayyiduna Hasan and Sayyiduna Husain (radhiyallahu ‘anhuma):
 
أَعُوْذُ بِكَلِمَاتِ اللهِ التَّامَّةِ ، مِنْ كُلِّ شَيْطَانٍ وَهَامَّةِ ، وَمِنْ كُلِّ عَيْنٍ لَامَّة
 
“I seek protection (for the two of you), in the complete and perfect words of Allah Ta‘ala, from every shaitaan and poisonous (or harmful) creature, and from every eye that causes harm.”
 
Furthermore, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) mentioned that Nabi Ebrahim (‘alaihis salaam) would recite this very same dua and seek protection for his sons, Nabi Ismaa‘eel (‘alaihis salaam) and Nabi Ishaaq (‘alaihis salaam). (Sahih Bukhari)
 
May Allah Ta‘ala keep us and our children in the shade of His Divine protection, Ameen.
 
Uswatul Muslimah
]]>24447Fri, 25 Feb 2022 11:32:37 +0000<![CDATA[Status & Rights of a Wife in Islam]]>https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/23902-status-rights-of-a-wife-in-islam/

By Mufti Taqi Usmani

All praise to Allah. We praise Him and seek His help and His forgiveness and we believe in Him and rely on Him. We seek refuge with Him from the mischief of our selves and the vices of our deeds. There is none to lead him astray whom Allah guides and there is none to guide him whom Allah lets go astray. I bear witness that there is no God but Allah alone and that He has no partner. I also bear witness that our master, our authority, and our Prophet and our master, Muhammad is His servant and His Messenger. May Allah bestow upon him, his household and his Companions. His mercy and blessings in abundance.

And Almighty Allah said:

"But consort with them in kindness". (4.19)

"You will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however, much you may wish to do so. But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her in suspense, If you do good and be righteous, then surely Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful." (4:129)

Importance of the rights of the servants (of Allah)

Allamah Nawawi [ra] is commencing a discussion of the rights of the servants (of Allah) in the light of these verses and the traditions of the Holy Prophet I have already mentioned repeatedly that “the Rights of the servants are a very important branch of religion. Its importance lies in the fact that “the Rights of Allah” may be pardoned by repentance. If God forbid - some negligence ever occurs in the matter of Allah’s rights, it is very easy to remedy this negligence by means of repentance and seeking Allah’s pardon with a feelings of remorse and regret. The negligence can thus be remedied. As for the rights of the servants, if they are violated, they are not pardoned by repentance and feelings of remorse and regret and by seeking pardon, unless the usurped rights are restored to the right-holders or the latter willingly forgoe their rights in his favour. Therefore the matter of rights of people is a matter of serious consideration.

Negligence in the matter of the Rights

Serious indeed is the subject of the rights of the servants of Allah, yet equally serious is the negligence of people towards this subject in our society. There are only a few aspects of worship that we have taken as Deen (Faith), e.g. Prayer, Fasting, Hajj, Zakat, Remembrance, Recitation of the Holy Qur’an, the recital of some sacred names or words. We regard these items as Deen but we have excluded from Deen the Rights of the servants; similarly we have also excluded from Deen the rights concerning social living. One who is negligent in the discharge of these rights does not feel that he is committing any serious offence.

Backbiting is a violation of People’s rights

Take a simple example. If a Muslim is addicted (God forbid) to drinking wine he will be looked down upon by every Muslim who has even the least touch with the faith and the drunkard himself will feel ashamed that he is committing a sin. On the other hand a person who is addicted to backbiting is not hated in the society like the drunkard, nor does the backbiter himself feels that he is a sinner or criminal, although both the sins are equally heinous and base. But no, backbiting is more vicious sin than drinking wine: firstly, because it comes within the definition of the rights of the servants and secondly, because Almighty Allah has used for it in the Holy Qur’an a very horrid similitude the like of which He has not for any other sin. He has thus said in surah Al-Hujarat. verse no 12:

"And do not spy: nor backbite one another.
Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his
dead brother: you would then abhor that. (49.12)

Thus a backbiter has been compared to one who eats the flesh of his dead brother. So vicious is this in! Yet it has become common in the society. There is hardly an assembly where this sin is not committed. What is worse, it is not condemned at all as if the faith has nothing to do with this sin.

‘Ihsan is desirable at all times

Hazrat Dr. Muhammad Abdul Hai may Allah exalt his status. is my spiritual Guide (Shaikh or Pir). One day he related the following incident:

A man called on me and told me with a gusto of pleasure and pride that thank God, he had attained the rank of “Ihsan”. “Ihsan” is a very exalted status, as is mentioned in a tradition:

(Sahih Bukhari the book of belief-chapter Inquiry in Hadith Jibrael tradition no: 50).

This means that you should worship Almighty Allah, as you are seeing Allah and if this be not possible worship Him with the belief that He is seeing you. This is the rank of “Ihsan”. That gentleman told the respected Doctor Sahib that he had attained the rank of “Ihsan” Hazrat Doctor Sahib congratulated him on the attainment, as it was a great blessing of Allah and put to him this question: Do you realise the blessing of “Ihsan” only during the prayers or do you realise it also during your dealings with your wife and children that Almighty Allah is seeing you? He replied: What the Tradition says is that while pray one should feel that one is seeing Allah, or Allah is seeing him. I thought that “Ihsan” is related with worship only and not with other activities of life. Hazrat Doctor Sahib said to him: That is why I put this question to you, because it is generally misunderstood that “ihsan” is required during prayers, remembrance or recitation only, although it is required at all times and in all stages and walks of life. If you are sitting in a shop doing some business, “Ihsan” is required there also. You should realise in your heart that Almighty Allah is seeing you. “Ihsan” is also required when you are dealing with your subordinates. You should feel that Allah is seeing you even when you are dealing with your wife, children friends and neighbours. This is really what “Ihsan” means. It is not confined only to prayers and worship.

That woman shall enter Hell

It should be borne in mind very well that the teachings of the Holy Prophet cover every branch of life. It is narrated that once the people inquired from the Holy Prophet about a woman: O Prophet of Allah, there is a woman who remains engaged with worship all day and night. She is mostly busy with optional prayers, remembrance of Allah and recitation of the Holy Qur’an, she is always seen engaged in these acts of devotion. What do you think about the fate of this woman? The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] asked that Companion
about her dealings with the neighbours. The Companion replied that she did not behave well with the neighbours. The women of the neighbourhood are not pleased with her. The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] said: She will enter the Hell. (Bukhari p.48 tradition no: 911, chapter Does not trouble his neighbour)

That woman shall enter Paradise

At another time a question was put to the Holy Prophet about a woman who did not observe many items of optional worship and remained contented only with the obligatory and essential duties and sometimes she performed the Sunnah Muakkadah (the confirmed sunnah) prayer. She did not observe the optional prayers, rememberance, recitation, etc. more than this. Her dealings with the neighbours and others were however, amicable. The Holy Prophet replied: She will enter the Paradise.

Who is a Pauper?

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has explained in these traditions that if anyone observes optional prayers it is very good, but if he does not do so he will not be asked in the Hereafter why he did not observe such and such optional forms of worship. This is because the very word Nafl (optional) means that if anyone performs this optional worship, he will receive reward, and if he does not do so, there is no sin on him. On the other hand the rights of the servants (of Allah) are something about which the people will be questioned on the Day of Judgement. The entry into Paradise or Hell depends on the nature of replies given to these questions.

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has explained in a Tradition as to who is a pauper; he is reported to have said: A person will bring with him on the Day of Judgement lots of good deeds; but in the world he usurped someone's rights, spoke ill of someone, injured someone’s feelings and hurt someone's heart. The result of all this will be that he will have to pay to others all the good deeds he brought with him and will have to take upon himself the sins of others while he has no good deeds left with him to compensate his creditors. The matter of the rights of the servants (of Allah) is thus a very important matter in the Shari'ah. (Tirmidhi. chapter on Accounts taking and Ransom Tradition no: 2533).

The Rights of people are three-fourths of DEEN

It has already been pointed out that if the “Islamic Jurisprudence” which deals with the injunctions of the Shari'ah is divided into four equal parts, only one part will be found to deal with matters relating to worship. and the remaining three parts will be found to contain injunctions with regard to matters that are related to people and their life. You may know the name of ‘Hidayah’ which is a renowned book of Hanafi jurisprudence in four volumes. The first volume deals with forms of worship in which poblems concerning Purity (Taharat), Prayer (Salat), Fasting, Zkat and Hajj have been discussed. The remaining three volumes are concerned with the subjects dealing with people and their rights, social living and the rights of the servants (of Allah). It can be easily inferred from this that the subject of the rights of the servants represents one-fourth of Deen (Faith).

Therefore, a very important chapter is now commencing. May Almighty Allah help us, by His mercy, to read and listen to it with a firm mind, to act upon the injunctions. May He also help us to discharge the rights of the servants (of Allah) according to His pleasure and will.

The miserable condition of women before Islam

The first Chapter which Allamah Nawawi has included is the “Chapter of counsels about women”, meaning those counsels which the Holy Prophet has given about the rights of women. The reason for allotting this subject in the first chapter of the book is that the greatest shortcoming and negligence are committed in the matter of women’s rights. During the Days of Ignorance, before the advent of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam], women were treated like cattle, devoid of humanity, deprived of all rights, whatsoever. In those days of darkness the people did not recognise any rights due to women who were tolerated in the houses no better than pet animals like goats and sheep: but the conditions totally changed after the advent of Islam and under the sacred teachings of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam].

Amicable behaviour with women

At that time the world was unaware of heavenly guidance. It was the Holy Prophet who for the first time made the world alive to the rights due to women whereunder they should be accorded nice treatment.

At the very out set Allamah Nawawi [ra] has cited a verse of the Holy Qur’an that is very comprehensive on this subject:

"But consort with them in kindness." (419) \

Almighty Allah has addressed all Muslims, comhanding them to behave, and consort with women in kindness; associate with them in life with goodwill and sympathy and never give them trouble. This is a general guidance. This verse is, as it were, the heading and the text of this chapter. The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has explained this verse by his words and practice. He gave such importance to the need of showing misbehaviour to women at that he is reported to have said in a Tradition:

"Meaning: The best of you are those who behave well with their women and I am best of you in behaving well with my women. (Tirmidhi - chapter on right of a women over her husband Tradition no. 1172)

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] attached so much importance to the protection of the rights of women and ensuring good behaviour with them that he has explained this matter in many Traditions. The first Tradition on this subject is one narrated by Hazrat Abu Hurairah wherein the Holy Prophet is reported to have said:

"I advise you to wish well for the women. You should accept this advice of mine."

The Holy Qur’an enunciates only the principles

Before proceeding ahead it is better to advise that the Holy Qur’an generally gives the basic principles, without going into the minute details of the issue. This procedure is followed even in describing the injunctions about the prayer which is such an important pillar of Deen (Faith) to the establishment of which reference has been made in the Qur’an at seventy three places. Yet the Holy Qur’an does not furnish any details about how prayer (salat) is offered. how many Rakaat should one offer and other injunctions validating or invalidating the salah. The Qur’an itself has not detailed these factors but left it for the Holy Prophet who taught the companions these details both by his words and practice. The same is the case with Zakat which has also been mentioned in the Qur’an almost at the same number of places. The Qur’an, however, does not clarify the prescribed value on which Zakat becomes due for payment, nor it speaks of possessions on which it is leviable. Like the prayer these details about Zakat were also left for the Holy Prophet to explain. Thus it becomes clear that generally the Qur’an mentions only the basic principles and does not go into minute details.

Domestic life is the Foundation of the entire civilisation

The relationship between man and woman and among the members of the family are so important that the Qur’an has described in clear terms its minutest details and has spoken in details relating to this important topic. Thereafter the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has explained fully those points. The edifice of the entire human civilisation stands on the relations between man and woman and on the domestic life of man. If the relationship between man and woman is sound, smooth and one discharges the rights of the other, then the affairs of the household shall run smoothly and the children shall be brought up on the right lines and this ensures the betterment of society on which stands the edifice of the social living as a whole. On the other hand, if the household affairs are mismanaged and there are differences and disagreements between husband and wife the children are affected adversely and you may very well imagine about the standard and character of the nation manifested by such spoilt and ill mannered children. The rules and regulations governing this aspect of the society are called family laws or household regulations. In view of their importance, the Holy Qur’an has dealt them in details:

Is the woman born of crooked Rib?

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has set a nice example for this — an example that is unique in its effect and import. Some have explained it by saying that first of all Allah created Hazrat Adam [alayhis salaam] then He created Hazrat Hawwa (Eve) from his rib. Some learned men have said by way of explanation that the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has compared a woman to a rib which is crooked to see but its beauty and health consist in its crookedness. If anyone tries to remove its crookedness by straightening it, it will break and cease to be a rib. To restore to its previous state, it will have to be made crooked then joined together with plaster. The same idea has been beautifully expressed in a Tradition:

"That is, if you want to straighten it. you will only break it."

"And if you want to enjoy it you may enjoy it despite its crookedness."

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] has, thus set a wise example that its crookedness is its beauty and health which will be destroyed by straightening it.

It is not a defect of woman

Some people use this saying against women as being their defect in a woman. In other words, they say that since a woman has been created from a crooked rib, so is she crooked in her conduct and character, by her nature. This is, however, not the meaning of the Tradition of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam].

The deviousness of women is natural

It needs to be borne in mind that Almighty Allah has created man and woman, each with different tendencies and attributes. On account of this difference between the nature and temperament of the two, man thinks about a woman that she is opposed to his masculine nature and sentimentality, although this natural tendency of a woman against a man’s natural bent and tendency is not a defect. It is the natural requirement of her nature that she should reflect in her character some innocent crookedness. That is why the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] said: If you find in a woman something which is against your natural tendency on account of which you think that she is crooked, do not condemn her on this account: rather ignore it by thinking that it is the natural demand of her nature. If you want to straighten her she will break: if you want to benefit by her you can do so despite her crookedness.

“Negligence” is a part of beauty in a woman

Today the times have changed; as a result the values have also changed. A defect in a man is more often looked upon as a point of virtue and beauty in a woman. If we go through the Holy Qur’an carefully we shall see what, is generally considered a defect in a man is considered a point of beauty in a woman. For example. it is a defect in man to be ignorant and negligent, on account of which he is unaware of what is happening in the world. A man has been entrusted with the affairs of the world. To discharge these he needs learning and awareness. If he is devoid of these qualities and abilities, he is faulty and defective to this extent. As for a woman, negligence has been considered by the Qur’an as an item of beauty for her. Allah has said:

"Surely, as for those who slander virtuous, negligent believing women..." (24:23)

The word “negligent’ meaning that they are unaware of what is happening around them in the world. The Qur’an has considered here “negligence” or “unawareness” as an attribute of beauty. It is obvious from this that if a woman is ignorant of the affairs of the world, duties. excepted. this is not a defect but an attribute of beauty as described by the Qur’an.

Do not try to straighten her bent by force

Thus we see a defect in man is not considered a defect in woman and what is not a defect in man is sometimes looked upon as a defect in woman. A man is, therefore, not allowed to be harsh to a woman and misbehave with her if he finds her behaving in her womanly way. The very meaning of her comparison with a rib is that, by nature, she should be different in temperament from you. So now do not try to straighten her by force.

The root cause of the entire conflict

The above is based on a Tradition of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam]. Who can claim to know more about the nature of man and women than the Prophet of Allah? He diagnosed the root cause of all the conflicts between man and woman.Man insists that a woman should be exactly like himself in all her behaviours. This is not possible as she has been created different from him.

Be conscious of her good habits

In another tradition of this chapter Hazrat Abu Hurairah radhiallaahu anhu] has narrated:

(Sahih Muslim-Book of suckling chapter counsel about women)

In this Tradition the Holy Prophet has mentioned a wonderful principle that a believing man should not hate a believing woman altogether. In other words, the man should not condemn her totally on the false plea that she is no good. If she has some undesirable triats in her conduct she must have in her some desirable traits also.

The first principle which the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has taught is that when two persons live together, some habit of the one is pleasant and some other habit unpleasant to the other. If the woman has some unpleasant habit in her, then do not condemn her on account of that habit altogether, rather look for and remember her pleasant habits and thank Almighty Allah for them. If you follow this practice it is quite possible that the hatred in your heart for the dark side of her conduct and character may gradually lose its severity and importance.

Man, in fact, is ungrateful. If he finds any defects in her he totally changes his opinion about the person concerned and forgets about his good qualities. In view of those few faults and defects, he is always critical about him and misbehaves with him. Such attitude is unreasonable.

Everything has virtues and vices in it

There is nothing in the world which is all virtue and all vice. Almighty Allah has, by His wisdom, endowed everything of His creation with virtue and vice. You are sure to find some good qualities in every person, may he be an infidel, an idolater or even worse.

An English proverb

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has said: A word of wisdom is a lost property of a believer. He must pick it up wherever he finds it. So there is no harm in picking up a word of wisdom even from an English Proverb.

The proverb said that even a watch which has gone out of order speaks the truth at least twice every day. Suppose that the watch stopped at 12 hrs., 5 mts,. As the time 12-5 occurs twice during the 24 hours, the dead watch shall tell the correct time twice at 12-5 hrs, although it will remain silent at other times.

The moral we draw from this English proverb is that if one is in search of goodness with hope and sincerity one can surely find this goodness even from the most condemned and throw-away objects.

There is nothing bad in the workshop of Nature

My father Mufti Muhammad Shafi’ Sahib [ra] used to recite frequently the following Urdu couplet of the late Dr. Muhammad Iqbal:

There is nothing useless in the earth
There is nothing bad in the workshop of nature.

Whatever Almighty has created has created it with His wisdom and by His will. If you reflect on it you will surely find in Allah’s creation point of Wisdom and benefit. Instead man looks for faults and shortcomings only and ignores the good points and bright sides of things. Thus he becomes pessimistic and commits transgression and injustice.

Always look for the good qualities of women

Almighty Allah has said in His Book:

"For if you hate them, it may happen that you hate a thing wherein Allah has placed much good." (4:19)

If for some reason you do not like those women whom you have married, yet it is just possible that Almighty Allah may have endowed them with much goodness and blessings. Hence this command that you should look only for the good qualities of women. so that you may receive solace and comfort from them and thus the doors of mistrust and misbehaviour may not be opened.

Educative story of A saint

Hazrat Maulana Shah Ashraf Ali Thanawi [ra] has related the story of a saint who had a very ill mannered and aggressive wife. She always found faults with her hushand. Whenever the saint entered his house the wife started quarrelling with him. Someone asked him why he did not get rid of those daily wrangles and squabbles by resorting to divorce. The saint replied: it is very easy for me to divorce her but there is one reason for not doing so. Despite all her defects, she has one very good quality which prevents me from parting with her; and that is the quality of loyalty with which Almighty Allah has adorned her. Supposing I am arrested and imprisoned for some crime, for a term of fifty years, she will not move even an inch from the corner to which I confine her, and she will never cast a glance at anyone else. This This quality of loyalty is invaluable.

Mirza Mazhar Jan-e-Jan’an and his over-sensitiveness

Hazrat Mirza Mazhar jan-e-Jan an [ra] was a renowned saint of the Indian sub-continent. He was so touchy and over-sensitive in his temperament that if anyone put the glass on the pitcher in a tilting position or if he saw his bedding creased he would feel headache, unfortunately he had to deal with an ill-mannered wife. She was always murmuring something against her husband. Strange are indeed the ways whereby Allah tests His servants and raises their ranks. The wife of this pious saint was an ordeal for him which he tolerated with patience throughout his lifetime and expected that Allah may pardon his sins as a recompense for this ordeal.

The women of our society are Nymphs of Paradise

Hakimul Ummat, Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanawi [ra] used to say that the women of the Indo-Pakistan are like nymphs, because they are endowed with the qualities of faith and loyalty. Although these qualities are slowly fading under the impact of the modern Western civilisation and culture, yet the spirit of loyalty is so deep-rooted in them that they are always ready to sacrifice their lives for their husbands in all circumstances. and they can never cast their glances on anyone other than their husbands. In fact the saint, referred to above demonstrated obedience to the injunction implied in the following Tradition.

If one habit of the woman is unpleasant, there must be some pleasant habit in her which should be taken into consideration and good treatment should be meted out to the woman on account of this one pleasant habit in her.

People generally look at the dark side in the conduct and character of their women and lose sight of the bright side in them. This tendency is the root cause of the bitterness prevailing in our society.

It is immorality to beat one’s wife

The third Tradition of this chapter is as under:

(Sahih Bukhari the book of marriage - It is hateful to beat women tradition no 5204)

Once the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] delivered a sermon in which he mentioned many important topics of Islamic behaviour. The following is the point which he touched on the subject under discussion: He said: It is very bad that one of you beats his wife as a master beats his slave and on the other hand he uses the same wife to satisfy his sexual desire. Then how immoral and shameless it is that one should beat one’s wife so severely!

Three steps of reforming a wife

As I have already stated, the Holy Qur’an has taken great care to mention in detail concerning husband-wife relations:

The differences and disagreements between husband and wife start when the husband feels offended at some action or habit of the wife. The Qur’an advises that in such a situation the husband should look for some lovely and pleasant quality in the character and dealings of his wife. If the husband fails to discover in his wife any such good points and feels that correction and reform are needed, then the Holy Qur’an has prescribed the following course to reform and rectify it.

"As for those (women) from whom you fear disobedience, admonish them and banish them to beds apart (from yours) and beat them." (4:34)

First of all you should advise them in a lenient and polite manner and with love to give up their bad habits and reform themselves. This is the first step of reform. If they respond favourably to admonition and accept your advice, do not go further and treat the chapter closed. If this does not help and they insist upon their misconduct then the second step is to separate your bed and give up sleeping with them on the same bed. If they have sense, they will surely reform themselves and act upon advice. (Details of separating the bed will follow shortly).

Physical punishment to a wife

If the second step of the reform also fails then it will be necessary to resort to the third step, which is to inflict on the wife some physical punishment; but what kind of physical punishment and to what extent? The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] answered these questions in his sermon on the occasion of his Farewell Hajj in which he said: "(beat them very lightly so as not to injure them". To sum up, effort should be made so as to settle matters without the expedient of this punishment. If it is found unavoidable, it is permitted only with the condition that it should be very light, the intention being only to enforce discipline and not to inflict pain and injury. It is not lawful beating one’s wife in a way that should leave a mark on the body. (A Tradition on this subject follows).

The behaviour of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam]
When the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] passed away from this world he left behind nine sacred wives. These wives were not angels sent down from the heaven: they were members of this world and society. Sometimes, bitterness occurred among them as is usual and natural among co-wives. Sometimes such problems also arose as usually arise between husbands and wives. Hazrat Ayesha [radhiallaahu anha] has narrated: Not only did the Holy Prophet ever raise his hands on any of his wives, but it was also his habit to enter the house with a smiling face.

The Prophet’s Sunnah (practice)

It is the Sunnah (practice) of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] that men should not raise their hands at women (to beat them). The permissibility of punishing physically is restricted only to abnormal and unavoidable situations. In fact beating women is not the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam]; his Sunnah is what Hazrat ‘Ayesha has narrated.

A miracle of Dr. Abdul Hai [ra]

Hazrat Dr. Abdul Hai my spiritual guide sometimes related to us, by way of a lesson, that a period of fifty-five years had passed of his marriage, he never talked to his wife during these fifty five years in an angry tone. The walking of a man on the surface of the water and his flying in the air is taken as a miracle. It is more surprising that one should not talk to his wife even in an adverse tone for as long as fifty five years. And his respectable wife says that her husband, Dr. Sahib. never asked her to bring to him a glass of water. She, however, served him as best as possible of her own sweet will and as a blessed and virtuous duty.

Tariqat is nothing but public service

Hazrat Dr. Sahib used to say: I consider myself to be a servant whom Allah has sent to this world for service. This is my belief and with this belief I want to serve others and depart from this world. I am duty bound to serve all my friends, acquaintances, associates and pupils. I was not sent to this world as a master to be served by others. He considered the position of a servant of people to be an elevated rank. He then recited the famous persian couplet:

Tariqat (spiritual way) is nothing but public service.
It does not consist in the robes and the prayer-rag
and the saintly garments (signs of godliness).

Tariqat in fact, stands for public service. Dr. Sahib used to say: When I understood that I am a servant and not a master, how can a servant order others to do this and that? He spent his entire life by doing his personal work without the assistance of anyone else. This is a practical example of how the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] should be followed. As for ourselves we do follow the Sunnah in rituals only. It is necessary to follow the sunnah in dealings with others social living and in every mode of leading our private life.

Verbal claim is not enough

Living according to the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] is highly rewarding. Through such living man can smoothen his worldly life as well as his life in the Hereafter. But this success cannot be attained only by making empty claims.

"This means that everyone claims to love Laila, but Laila herself does not acknowledge their claim)."

This is achieved only by means of sincere work and devotion. By his character, conduct and practice man should ensure that he does not cause the least harm even to the person with whom he happens to be on unfriendly terms.

In short, the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has illustrated, by his own practice. the THIRD STEP of reforming an errant wife. Throughout his lifetime he never raised his hands on any one of his sacred wives. However he was sometimes irritated by their behaviour, but he never reacted to it. Those who beat their wives are declared the worst men by the Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam].

(Tirmidhi book of Tafsir. chapter Surah Taubah Tradition no: 3087).

Prophetic Address in the Farewel Pilgrimage

In the above Tradition an extract has been given from the Farewel address of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam]. In this address he addressed the assembly of the companions in clear words that after that year he might not see them at that place. So in this address he included all those points that he feared that the Ummah might deviate from the right path, and thus he wanted to leave behind for the guidance of the Ummah a perfect code of life to be followed. In this address he tried to block all the possible paths of deviation and error.

The address is quite lengthy but different parts of this address have been stated on different places. This is also a part of it in which the various aspects of relationship of man and woman has been discussed. Special stress has been laid on the need that men should acknowledge the rights of women and honour them. You may realise the importance of these rights from the fact that he delivered that sermon on the occasion of the Last Pilgrimage when he indirectly informed people that the next year he may not get an opportunity to address the people. Thus the mutual rights of men and women are one of the topics which he selected for discussing towards the close of his life on account of their importance. He wanted his Ummah to honour and follow the injunctions in all circumstances.

Mutual relations between husband and wife

This shows the importance of husband-wife relations in human life and how the law-maker the Holy Prophet himself felt this importance. If the husband and wife do not discharge each other’s rights properly and, instead, usurp these mutual rights, not only will this result in the violation of each other’s rights, but it will also adversely affect both the families as well as the children whose proper upkeep, development, mental and moral growth will be affected. As the family is the foundation of the entire civilisation, with its ruination civilisation is itself ruined. That is why the Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has laid great stress on the importance of mutual relation between husband and wife.

Women are in your confinement

Hazrat Umr bin al-Ahwas al-Jashim [radhiallaahu anhu] has narrated that in the Farewel sermon the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] praised Almighty Allah, offered consels and delivered a speech and then said:

"Beware! I advise you to do good to women. Accept this advice."

This is the sentence which occurred in the previous Tradition. His next sentence was:

"because those women live with you confined in your houses."

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has mentioned an attribute of women that if man reflects over this attribute only, he can never think of misbehaving with them.

A Lesson from an Ignorant Girl

Our dear Hazrat Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanawi used to tell his disciples to learn a lesson from an ignorant, uneducated girl who surrenders herself to a stranger after uttering at the time of the Nikah only two words of acceptance. She honours these two words so solemnly and completely that she leaves her mother, father, brothers and sisters and the entire family and becomes inseparably tied to and confined with her husband. An ignorant girl honours these two words so truly and sincerely that she surrenders herself to one person, her husband but you could not honour our pledge of these two words by surrendering yourself to Almighty Allah. This girl is much better than you. She honoured so completely her pledge of Nikah, but you did not honour your pledge of the two words of the article of Faith.

Sacrifices of the woman for your sake

The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has said in this Tradition. “How tremendous sacrifice the woman has undergone for your sake. If the matter was just the reverse and it were said to you, you would have to leave your family. your parents, after your marriage what an awkward situation it would be for you. As for the woman she has become confined to a strange surrounding, a strange house and a strange person and that, too, for the whole of her life. That is why the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] said in his tradition: Will you not mind this sacrifice? Do take heed of this and treat her well and with love.

You have no claim upon them

Thereafter the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has spoken a very serious sentence of far-reaching consequences. When the meaning of this sentence is explained to men they get annoyed. That sentence is:

"This means that according to the laws of the Shari'ah the only demand you can make of them is that they should live with you in your house".

You have no other claim upon them Cooking is not the duty of a wife

From this Tradition the Jurists have deduced a ruling of delicate nature and which makes men annoyed. The ruling lays down that according to the Shari'ah it is not the responsibility of a woman to cook food for the household. For this purpose the Jurists have divided women into two classes. Women of one class are those who do household work, including cooking food in their parent’s houses. The other class consists of women who do not cook food in their father’s house where cooks are employed for this work. If after marriage a woman of the latter class goes to her husband’s house she is not at all responsible to cook food, religiously, legally, morally or otherwise. On the other hand, that wife may ask her husband to hire a cook for her as man is obliged to provide her with food along with other necessaries of life. The Jurists write:

"It is the responsibility of the husband to provide his wife with cooked food."

The wife cannot be forced to cook food neither by force, nor by the law, because the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has said in clear words:

"This means: You have a right to keep them in your house which it is not lawful for them to leave without your permission."

With this exception the laws of the Shari'ah have imposed no responsibility on them.

However, If she belongs to the first category the one who used to cook food in her parents’ house she too is not legally responsible to cook food i.e. she cannot be compelled by law to cook food. However, the responsibility falls on her only morally. In such a case the husband is responsible only to provide the food materials. Even then it is not her responsibility to cook food for the husband and the children. A wife in this class cannot ask her husband to provide her with cooked food. However, if she refuses to cook food for her husband and the children, the court cannot force her to do it. The respected Jurists have explained these problems at great length.

Serving the In-laws is not obligatory

There is another fact worthy of notice about which much negligence is observed among the people. When a wife is not responsible to cook food for her husband and his children, then she is more appropriately not responsible to cook food for the parents of the husband and his brothers and sisters. A custom has gained currency in our society that the parents of the son think that their right over the daughter-in-law has a priority over the right of the son. Therefore she is bound to serve them, no matter if she serves her husband or not. Such a misleading conception gives rise to quarrels and disputes among the daughter-in-law and other members of the family. The negative results of this conception are obvious to require any comments.

To serve In-Laws is a virtue for a woman

Bear in mind well that it is the responsibility of the son to serve his parents. It is, however, a matter of blessing and virtue for the daughter-in-law if she serves the parents of her husband willingly, as a righteous deed and source of reward for her in the Hereafter. The son does not have any right to force his wife to serve his parents in case she does not feel inclined to serve them of her own sweet will. It is also not lawful for the parents to force their daughter-in-law to serve them. As already mentioned, if the daughter-in-law voluntarily decides to serve her in-laws for the sake of recompense in the Hereafter she is welcome to do so. This will create happy and pleasant atmosphere in the household.

Appreciate the services of a daughter-in-law

If a daughter-in-law is serving his father and mother-in-law, she is doing favour out of her moral character because she is giving this service to them only of her free will and she is not in any way liable for such services. Her in-laws should, therefore, appreciate this voluntary service from her. They should try to requite her for this and encourage her. Ignorance of these rights and liabilities create various problems in social life which play havoc to the solidarity and welfare of families through quarrels and disputes. All these troubles are taking place simply because the people have banished from their minds the limits of these mutual rights and liabilities which the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has fixed in his Traditions.

A Surprising Incident

Hazrat Dr. Abdul Hai Sahib [ra] one day related a very wonderful event. He said that among his acquaintances, there was a couple who used to visit his assembly and receive spiritual training and instructions from him. One day both of them invited him to a dinner at their house. It was the habit of respected Dr. Sahib to utter at the end of the feast a few words of praise in favour of the lady who cooked the food just to encourage and please her. The lady who had prepared the food came and stood behind the curtain and greeted him. After replying to the greeting Dr. Sahib uttered a few words of praise and appreciation about the quality and taste of the food and the art of cooking. Dr. Sahib heard the woman sobbing from behind the screen. It was disturbing. Was there anything in Dr. Sahib’s words that pinched her? On being asked to state the cause of her grief and sobbing, she said, "I have been living with my husband for the last forty two years, but during this long period of association, I never heard from him a word of appreciation about my cooking. When I heard these words from you sir, I could not control myself from sobbing."

The respected Dr Sahib used to relate this story in his assemblies off and on to emphasise that such callousness can never be expected from a husband who is able to realise that it is a great favour on the part of his wife that she is serving him so selflessly and faithfully of her own sweet will and is doing all this service for which she has not been made legally responsible by the Shari'ah. A man who thinks that his wife is a maid servant and has to serve him at any cost, has no need to drop a word of praise and appreciation if she is an expert cook and sincere worker.

The Husband should serve his parents himself

A question arises as to who should serve the parents when they are old, weak or otherwise helpless on account of sickness when there is none in the house except their son and his wife? Even in such a situation, the daughter-in-law is not bound, according to the Shari'ah to serve her in-laws. It is, however, a matter of blessings and virtue for her if she serves them of her own free will with the belief to please Allah and to receive reward in the Hereafter. The son should, however, realise that it is his responsibility to help and serve his parents personally or by employing a servant for this purpose. If the wife is looking after his old parents, the husband must appreciate this service and be thankful to her.

Husband's permission for going out

But here is another requirement to note in order to understand the true position. After knowing only one side of a case and being ignorant of the other side people begin to take undue advantage. It has already been explained in detail that it is not obligatory for a wife to cook food, according to the laws of the Shari'ah. In his Tradition the Holy Prophet has said that “women remain confined to your houses like captives”. It means that it is not lawful for them, to go out of the house without the permission of their husbands. Just as the jurists have explained in detail the issue of cooking food, in the same way they have also explained in detail that women cannot leave the house for meeting kinsmen, even their parents without the permission of their husbands. If the parents visit the house of their son-in-law to meet their daughter, the husband cannot prevent them from seeing her. The jurists have prescribed limits for such casual visits. The parents may visit their daughter only once a week and go back after seeing her. This is their daughter’s right which a husband cannot deny, yet she cannot go out of the house without her husband’s permission. Thus Almighty Allah has, in His mercy, created a balance between the rights and responsibilities of husband and wife. On the one hand the wife is not legally bound to cook food and, on the other hand, she is legally bound not to go out of the house without her husband’s permission.

Mutual Co-operation is vital for smooth life

Whatever has been stated above is only the legal side of the matter; but the beauty of mutual behaviour with each other is that each should try to please the other. Hazrat Ali and Hazrat Fatimah [radhiallaahu anhuma] had distributed the duties of the household between them in such a way that Hazrat Ali did all the outdoor work, while Hazrat Fatimah performed the indoor work. This is exactly the Sunnah (practice) of the Holy Prophet which should be followed. Husband and wife should not always involve themselves in the implications of the law. The best way is that both should behave with each other open-heartedly. The division of work between husband and wife on outdoor and indoor basis is a natural division to enable them both to keep the vehicle of life going smoothly.

If she commits the immodesty

If these women commit open lewdness, that lewdness cannot be tolerated in any case. In such a situation they should be dealt with according to the injunction laid down by the Holy Qur’an.

First of all they should be admonished, then, if they insist-on their sin, let their bed be separated. If they still do not accept the admonition and continue in their Lewdness, then it is permitted to inflict them with light beating which should not cause any injury. If they refrain from the lewdness and mend their ways, then one should not find fault with them, but they should be let off, without further pinching them.

Beware! These women have rights over you that you behave with them well. Be generous in discharging your obligations in the matter of providing them with clothes, food and their other needs.

This does not mean that you should meet only their basic needs; you are expected to be generous and liberal in supplying their lawful needs.

Pocket money for a wife

Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanawi [ra] has dealt in his guiding sermons with some topics with special emphasis. I intend to reproduce two or three of these in this discourse, as they are generally overlooked by the people. Firstly. the liabilities about a wife does not mean that she should be provided only with food and clothes. It is also a part of this cost that she should be paid a suitable amount as pocket expenses in addition to the cost of living, making her free to spend this additional amount as she likes. There are persons who arrange for food and clothes but do not care for pocket expenses. Hazrat Thanawi has said that payment of some amount as pocket money is also necessary, because there are many items when a person feels ashamed to disclose to other that she needs a certain thing. The wife should, therefore, must have some extra amount as pocket money so that she may not seek other means to satisfy her needs. Hazrat Thanawi [ra] has warned that those who do not provide pocket money to their wives are blamable.

Being generous for Family

Another point to note is that one should be generous and liberal in spending money on the needs of the household. One must not limit expenses to basic needs. One should provide money with a generous hand so that the expenses of the household may be met with ease and freedom according to the financial means of the house-keeper. Some people complain that, on the one hand, there is stress that one should not be extravagant and at the same time there are instructions not to be miser in spending money on the household. A question now arises as to what is the line of demarcation between the two. What is extravagance and what is not extravagance?

Simple or comfortable accommodation both are lawful

To remove this confusion Hazrat Thanawi [ra] has said: that accomodations are of two kinds, a place which is just enough to accommodate the members of the family. It may be an ordinary hut, it is possible for a man to live some how even in such structures. This is lawful in the first degree. The second kind is that the house should provide living accommodation as well as a reasonable degree of comforts. For example, the house should be concrete-built, equipped with fans and electric lights. If a person provides this service in his house in order to make life easy and comfortable, this cannot be regarded as extravagance.

Decoration is also lawful

In the third degree, along with means of comfort a house should also have some decoration. For example, a man has a concrete built house with plastered walls, electricity and fans, but it has no paint on it. Even an unpainted house like this is fit for living, but without white-washing and proper painting it lacks in decoration. If the house owner gets the house colour washed and painted for the sake of decoration this too is lawful in the laws of the Shari'ah.

In short to live in an ordinary house is lawful, it is also lawful to live in a house provided with certain comforts and amenities as well as some decoration. Decoration here means some additional improvement made in the house, like painting, etc, which is pleasing to the eyes and cheering to the heart. There is no harm in this and is permissible in the Shari'ah.

Show off is not lawful

Then follows the fourth degree which is mere “Show off’. The house-owner is doing something which aims neither at comfort, nor at decoration; the aim is to show his riches. Thereby he wants to impose his superiority on others and to show that he is a big thing. All this comes within the definition of “Show off’ which is not lawful in the laws of the Shari'ah. It is also extravagance.

The limits of extravagance

These four categories also apply to food and clothes, and in all other things of life. A man wears costly clothes in order to receive comfort, to please himself and the members of his household and his acquaintances, friends and visitors, there is no harm. On the other hand there is a person who wears valuable clothes with the intention that he may be considered a rich and wealthy man, a man of exalted position in society, then this is mere exhibition and show and therefore it is prohibited. Hazrat Thanawi [ra] has therefore drawn a clear line of demarcation between the two extremes. If money is spent on something for the sake of meeting a necessity, providing comfort or for decoration for his own pleasure and satisfaction, it is not extravagance.

This is not Extravagance

Once it so happened that I was coming back to Karachi from some other city, and it was the hot summer season. I requested someone to have my seat booked in an airconditioned coach and I gave him the required amount of money. Another man who was sitting nearby at once objected to this because in his opinion I was committing extravagance by sitting in an airconditioned coach. Many people are under the wrong impression that to travel in a higher class is extravagance. Bear in mind that if travelling in an upper class is for comfort, e.g. to save oneself from heat in the summer season, and the man can afford it. It is neither extravagance nor a sin. If one travels in an upper class simply to show that he is rich, then it is extravagance and it is unlawful.

The husband should therefore, keep in mind these degrees in meeting the cost of living of his wife with generosity and liberality. Capacity differs from man to man, Maulana Maseehullah Khan Sahib [ra] once observed: There is a man who is all alone in this world, without relatives, without friends and without acquaintances. For such a man a bed, a dish and a jug are sufficient to pass his life. If he collects more articles, it will mean a show and will be reckoned as extravagance in his case. There is a man who receives guests, has a large circle of acquaintances and friends, and has many relatives. The standard of his needs and extent of requirements will be quite different. If such a man has in his house at times even one hundred sets of pots and beddings, not a single piece of this will be counted as extravagance, because all these are necessities of life. The standard of life differs from man to man.

Where to search Allah

Hazrat Ibrahim bin Adham [ra] was once a great Ruler but he renounced the world in search of Allah. There are some people who seek from his life arguments to prove their stand. The story runs as follows: One night Hazrat Ibrahim bin Adham saw a man walking about on the roof of the palace. Hazrat Ibrahim bin Adham [ra] caught him and asked him what he was doing on the roof of the palace. The man replied: I have come here to search my lost camel. Hazrat Ibrahim bin Adham said: Stupid fellow! Are you searching your camel on the roof at this hour of night? How can you find the camel here? The man asked with some surprise: Can I not find the camel here? Hazrat Ibrahim bin Adham [ra] answered: certainly not! How can you find the camel on the roof of the palace? The man then retorted: If the camel cannot be found in this palace and the man who is searching the camel in this palace is a fool, how can you find Allah while staying in this palace? If I am a fool you are a greater fool than me. This answer of the stranger shocked the heart of Hazrat Adham. He at once relinquished his kingdom and took his way to the jungle. He took with him only a bowl and a pillow, so that he might eat food and drink water from the bowl and use the pillow while lying down on the ground. After walking some distance he saw a man drinking water from the river with his palms cupped together. He saw that he could also drink water in that way, so he threw away the bowl and resumed his journey. After walking some distance he saw that a man was sleeping on the ground with his hand placed under the head to serve for a pillow. He felt that he could very well do without the pillow so he threw it away, too.

Emotions should not be followed

After listening to this story some people may misunderstand that keeping a bowl and a pillow is also extravagance. May Allah exalt the rank of Hazrat Thanawi [ra] who has at his credit of separating right from wrong and wheat from chaff. He has advised that none should compare himself with those of Hazrat Ibrahim bin Adham [ra]. Firstly, because the change that had come over him was due to an ecstatic state of rapture. A man in this condition should not be followed, because the man so overwhelmed goes out of himself and loses his normal consistency of thought and feeling. We are not, therefore, to follow in the footsteps of Hazrat Ibrahim ibn Adham [ra], because he was not at his normal when he decided to leave the palace. Besides, such renunciation of worldly relation is not permissible in Islam generally. It would mean that Allah cannot be found in palaces.

Moderate way of spending

The requirements of one man is different from that of other. The standard of spending also differs from man to man. The standards of a man with low income, and of a man with a moderate income or a man with a high income are different from one another. The liberality in spending of each person should, therefore, be proportionate to his income. It should not happen that the husband is a man of moderate means and his wife is asking for items of comforts and luxuries which she sees in the house of rich men that her husband cannot afford. Demand for such articles of luxury is not lawful. The husband should, however, try to meet the demands of his wife as far as possible within his means and should not be niggardly towards his wife.

The rights of the wives over husbands?

(Abu Dawud, the Book of Marriage - chapter on the Right of the wife over her husband, Tradition no.2142)

Hadhrat Mu'amiyah ibn Hidah [radhiallaahu anhu] has narrated that he asked the holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] of Allah, What are the rights of our wives over us? The Holy Prophet said: when you take food, feed her also and when you wear clothes, provide her also with clothes to wear. Do not beat her on the face, nor curse her. Do not part with her but her but only within the (bounds of the) house.

Leave sleeping with her as punishment

As has already been explained, if you ever observe in the wife some lewdness, try first to admonish her. If she does not mind your admonition, then leave her bedding, and sleep on a separate bed. Leaving the bed does not imply that you should go out of the house; you should separate your bedding while remaining in the house. You may, however, change the room by way of a psychological punishment and as a sort of protest, and thus keep yourself aloof from her for some days.

A proper way of separation

The learned jurists have explained the meaning of this Tradition also by advising that on such occasions her bed may be separated, but the talking terms should not be terminated totally. The separation should not be so strict as not to offer salutations to each other from time to time and not to return the greeting if one bids it, nor to avoid answering important questions. A separation of this kind is not lawful.

Wife’s permission for a long period journey

While explaining this Tradition the learned Jurists have gone to the extent of saying that it is not lawful for the husband to leave the house for more than four months without the permission and pleasure of his wife. As such, Hazrat Umar [radhiallaahu anhu] had promulgated this order throughout his empire that the freedom-fighters who take part in Jihad should not remain away from their homes for more than four months. The jurists have, therefore, deduced that if anyone is going on a journey for a period not exceeding four months, it is not necessary for him to obtain his wife’s permission. If the journey takes longer than four months, it is essential for him to obtain his wife’s permission, no matter how desirable that journey may be. This ruling is applicable to the journey for the Hajj (Pilgrimages). If the pilgrim returns from the journey within four months no permission from his wife is necessary, but if he prolongs his stay in the Holy city beyond four months the wife’s permission must be taken. This ruling is also applicable to journeys undertaken for Tabligh, Da'wah and Jihad. If the wife’s permission is necessary for such blessed journeys then her permission will all the more be necessary for a journey undertaken for the sake of employment, business, etc. If journeys exceeding four months are taken without the wife’s permission it will be a violation of her rights and, therefore, unlawful in the laws of the Shari'ah.

Who are the Best People?

(Tirmidhi Book of Suckling, Chapter on the rights of a wife over her husband tradition no. 1162)

Hazrat Abu Hurairah [radhiallaahu anhu] has narrated that the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] said: The most accomplished of the believers in respect of Iman (Faith) is one who is the best of them in conduct and character. The more refined a man is in behaviour and character, the more accomplished he is in Iman (Faith). Perfect Iman, therefore, demands that a man should behave and deal with others politely. The best of you are those who are the best in their behaviour and dealings with their wives and women.

The meaning of “Good Character” in the modern age

We see that in our days the meanings of things have greatly changed and the values of all things have been reversed. Hazrat Maulana Qari Muhammad Tayyib Sahib [ra] of Deoband used to say: As compared with the past everything has turned upside-down in the present age. For example, in the olden days there was darkness beneath the lamp and now there is darkness above the bulb. Today values have changed and so has changed the import of everything, so much so that even the meaning of character has undergone a total change. Today only some outer acts and expressions of modern etiquettes are regarded as tokens of good character. For example, it is regarded sign of good character to meet someone with a smiling face or to utter formal pleasing words. I am very glad to see you, it is pleasing to meet you, etc. while the heat of enmity, jealousy and hatred is burning in the hearts. Today this way of behaviours has been named good behaviour and character. It has been recognised as an art, how to deal with others so as to make them impressed with our personalities. Books are being written today on the art of winning over sympathies of others. All energies are being utilised to achieve this aim: Do all that is possible to get others attracted by your superficial personality. This is called “character”. Bear in mind well that all this formal show has nothing to do with high morality which the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has enjoined upon his followers. This is a mere hypocrisy, ostentation, a trick to attract others to one’s own personality. This is nothing but love for honour, fame and regard and this desire, in itself, is a disease and immorality. This has nothing to do with Islamic concept of morality.

Morality is a quality of the Heart

Morals are in fact a particular state of the heart which find expression in the movements of the limbs and the organs. The heart should be tilled with the feeling of welfare for the creation of Allah and love for them, irrespective of what they are, friends foes, believers or unbelievers. One should remain alive to the fact that every being on the earth is a creation of His Master. Allah. This originates a kind of love for all in ones heart. This conception, in turn, generates good actions and deeds, and then man does good to others. Now the smile shining on ones face on account of this feeling is not artificial, nor is it displayed to arrest public attention: it rather springs up from the heart as a result of heart-felt longing and emotion. Thus. there is a world of difference between the morals taught by the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] and the artificial and superficial show of morals in modern society.

How to acquire High Morals?

Only reading books or listening to lectures is not enough to attain the standard of the desired degree of morals. For this purpose it is imperative to seek the company of some spiritual reformer and guide. The order of Tasawwuf (Mysticism) and the system of becoming a disciple of a spiritual Guide (Piri-Muridi) has been handed down from the past men of Allah. It aims at inculcating in high morals and eliminating the germs of immorality from a man. Anyway, the most accomplished in the realm of Iman (Faith) are those individuals who posses high morals, whose hearts generate right motives and these right motives are reflected in their acts and deeds. May Allah admit us all into the company of these perfect personalities Aameen!

Do not beat the Maids of Allah

(Abu Dawud. Book of Marnage. chapter on beating women Tradition no 2146)

Hazrat Iyas bin Abdullah [radhiallaahu anhu] has narrated that the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam], while delivering a sermon said: Do not beat the maids of Allah, because beating women is not desirable. When the Holy Prophet prohibits something, the act becomes totally unlawful for one who heard the prohibition direct from the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam]. Now it is not lawful for him in any circumstances to beat women.

Two kinds of Holy Traditions

It may be noted carefully that there is a category of Traditions which we hear from someone or read in the books. They reach us through a long chain of authorities: giving us the names of the reporters in ascending order carrying to the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam]. The Traditions of this category are called Zanni because they reach us through a channel of reporters. It is obligatory to act upon the injunctions contained in such Traditions; and deviating from this is a sin. Traditions which the Companions heard direct from the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] are not Zanni (conjectural), but are Qatie (confirmed). If any one denies such Traditions, not only will he be a sinner, but he will also become an unbeliever. According to the juristic ruling the denier of an order of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] at once turns to be an infidel.

Sometimes we entertain the foolish desire in our hearts to have lived at the blessed time of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam], to reap the virtues and blessings of that blessed time. We should remember that whatever Almighty Allah does, He does it in His infinite wisdom and it is He who has raised us in this later age. If He had raised us in the time of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam], who knows what would have happened to us. There is no guarantee that we would not have fallen into the dare ditch of ignorance? May Allah save us. The question of Iman in those days was a very delicate issue. A slight turn from the right path could change the destiny of man.

The devotion with which the sacred Companions [radhiallaahu anhum] of the Holy Prophet rallied round him was exclusively their distinction. It was due to this that they reached the unique rank. Allah alone knows what would have been the fate of our selfish far-seeing and ease-loving persons as we are. It is indeed a great favour of Almighty Allah that He saved us from ruin and raised us up in an age in which we enjoy many facilities. We are in an age in which we have Zanni Traditions. If anyone denies it he will only be a sinner and not an unbeliever. As regards the sacred Companions, if anyone of them heard some Tradition from the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] and denied it he would instantly become an unbeliever. May Allah save us from such a fate.

The Audacity of the women

When the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] ordered the Companions not to beat their women, this punishment was totally suspended. It was not possible for the Companions to continue an act which the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] had forbidden them to do. Thus when the Practice of beating women ceased then after some time Hazrat Umar [radhiallahu anhu] called on the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] and said:

"O Prophet of Allah , these women have now become lions (i.e. fearless and bold) with their husbands, because you have stopped us from beating them. Now none beats his wife, nor does he ever threaten her with that. That is why they have become fearless, are violating their husbands’ rights, and are misbehaving with them. So what are we to do now?"

Then the Holy Prophet permitted them to beat their wives, if they violate their rights and when beating was unavoidable. Only a few days after the restoration of the order of beating, the women began to approach the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] and complained to him that their husbands were taking undue advantage from the permission of beating and were beating them severely.

They are not good men

Mentioning his own name, the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] said: Many women are repeatedly visiting the house of Muhammad complaining against their husbands’ misbehaviour with them that they severely beat them. You should note it very carefully that those who resort to this beating are not good men.

It is not the work of good believers to beat their wives. The Holy Prophet made it quite clear to the gathering that permission was given to beat their wives as the last alternative only in unavoidable circumstances and subject to the condition that the beating should be light, so as not to cause injury and leave its mark on the body. Despite this, it is the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] and also his sincere desire that no man should raise his hand to beat a woman. The mothers of the believers have narrated that the Holy Prophet never raised his hands at any woman. Therefore, this is what the sunnah demands.

The Best thing in the world is a “virtuous Woman”

(Sahih Muslim. Book of suckling chapter-the best object of the world a virtuous woman)

Hazrat Abdullah bin Amr bin Al’Aas [radhiallaahu anhu] has narrated that the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] said: This world as a whole is an enjoyment, profit and advantage.

The Almighty Allah has said in the Holy Qur’an: It is Allah who has created whatever there is in the world for your benefit, enjoyment and for meeting your needs. (Al-Baqarah. 29)

The best of all these objects is a virtuous woman created for your service and enjoyment. The Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has said in another Tradition:

(Kanzul-Ummal. Tradition no 18913)

Of all the things of your earth there are three things that are dearest to me: (Here note the Phrase “Your earth” as he said about his approach this world in these works) viz., a woman, scent, and the coolness of my eyes lies in the prayer.

Thus the foremost among the blessing of the world are these things. In another place he said: (Tirmidhi, the Book of Abstinence. Tradition no 2378)

"What have I to do with the world? I am like a rider who takes rest for a short time under the shade of a tree. then he sets off, leaving behind that tree."

Seek refuge from a bad woman

In short one of the three desirable gifts is a virtuous woman, because the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has sought refuge from bad woman.

"O Allah! I seek refuge from that woman who will make me old before I attain the old age. I also seek refuge from a child who proves to be a trial in the Hereafter. May Allah save us from them. Aamen!

So if you are in search of a woman for yourself or for one of your children, try to find out one who is religious, virtuous and righteous. If God-forbid she is not righteous, then she may prove a distress. If a man is lucky enough to get a virtuous wife. he should value her, and should never degrade her. To value her means that you should fulfil her rights and behave with her nicely.

May Almighty Allah assist us in acting upon these injunctions, Aameen!

And we close with the call that all praise be to Allah. the Lord of the worlds.

Madrasa In'aamiyyah

]]>23902Tue, 16 Jul 2019 07:51:06 +0000Islamic Parentinghttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/23399-islamic-parenting/HOW CAN I GROOM MY CHILDREN TO BE FUTURE ROLE MODELS?
 

QUESTION:

 

I have been trying very hard to bring up my children in an Islamic environment, However, things are not going as I expected. The children are 15 years old and doing hifz. THey keep lying about what they are reading and keep procrastinating their sabak. On top of that they are trying to listen to music and watch movies on YouTube without my knowledge. Also their attitude is becoming very bad that they yell when confronted or they stay upset (not talking or eating). I am obviously very concerned as to what to do and how to handle this. Not sure what am I doing wrong in the upbringing. Looking for some advice. 

 

ANSWER:

 

Children are easily influenced by their surroundings. These days, it is extremely difficult to expose our children to an ideal Islamic environment given the influences from media, friends and even other members of the family. With television, radio, Internet and forms of media mostly touting un-Islamic values, it is up to parents and adults close to the children to set the correct example. It is impossible to shield our children from all the negative forces that can shape their minds and, ultimately, their behaviour.

 

However, by our own example and showing them better options, we can set them on the true path, which is to obey the commandments of Allah Taala and our Holy Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam.

 

Here are some tips you may want to follow in helping your children grow up with Islamic values.

 

1. Treat them kindly.

Kindness begets kindness. If we are kind to our children, they in turn would show kindness to others. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam was the best example in being kind to children.

 

2. Teach them examples of Muslim heroes.

Relate incidents about the real heroes of Islam such as Hazrat Abu-Bakr and Hazrat Umar and the other illustrious Sahabah (Radhiallahu an hum). Tell them how Muslim leaders brought a real peaceful change in the world and won the hearts of Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Do not let them be influenced by comic book superheroes.


 

3. Go out as a family.

Take family trips rather than allowing your children to always go out only with their friends. Let your children be around family and friends from whom you want them to pick up their values. Always remember that your children will become who they are around with most of the time.

 

4. Praise your children.

Praise is a powerful tool with children especially in front of others. Children feel a sense of pride when their parents’ praise them and will be keen to perform other good deeds. However, praise must be limited to Islamic deeds and deeds of moral value.

 

 5. Avoid humiliating your children in front of others.

Children make mistakes. Sometimes, these mistakes occur in their efforts to please parents. If you are unhappy with your children, tell them in private.

 

6. Inculcate a sense of responsibility in them.

Have faith in their abilities to perform tasks. Give them chores to do in line with their age. Convince them that they are performing an important function and you will find them eager to help you out again.

 

7. Perform salaah and other acts of Ibadah with them.

 

 Wake them up for Fajr and make Ibadah as a family. Talk to them about the rewards of salaah so that it doesn’t feel like a burden to them.

 

8.  Good Company

A child blossoms with good company. Watch your child’s friends and company.

 

9. Lead by example.

Children observe their parents closely. Your speech and conduct should be an inspiration and guidance for your children.

 

10. Adopt all possible means to make them upright and practising muslims.

 

Make the following dua constantly,

 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

[الفرقان: 74]  

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

 

Huzaifah Deedat

 

Student Darul Iftaa

Lusaka, Zambia

 

Checked and Approved by,

Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

•┈┈┈┈┈┈┈•

 

 

Darul Iftaa Mahmudiyyah

 

Durban, South Africa

 

Website: www.daruliftaa.net


 

]]>23399Tue, 12 Sep 2017 15:44:12 +0000Interacting with a Prospective Spousehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24423-interacting-with-a-prospective-spouse/ TO WHAT EXTENT CAN A PERSON INTERACT WITH A POTENTIAL SPOUSE?

 

Question:

 

I have a few questions regarding the marriage process.

 

1. Is it permissible for me to get to know a girl with the intention of marriage? (i.e. texting, video calling, meeting in person)

 

2. My friends say that it is permissible if the girl involves her mehram (i.e. brother) as a chaperon in the process? As example, a WhatsApp group is created and I add her and her brother and then we chat with each other in the group in the presence of her mahram. Or if I meet her in person at some public place (i.e. cafe) and she is accompanied with her brother.

 

3. If not, what would be the permissible way to get to know someone within the boundaries of Shariah? As some of the parents in the western countries, have no connections in the community, therefor many single people use Muslim marriage apps to find spouse. Where the prospect is totally stranger and it’s difficult to commit in a relationship of marriage without a clear picture.

 

4. What's the ruling of texting/calling after engagement?

 

Answer:

 

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

 

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

 

In principle, it is not permissible for a person to unnecessarily speak with a non-mahram woman.

 

Shariah has closed all doors that may lead one to commit illicit sins.

 

If a person wishes to marry someone then it is permitted, rather recommended, to look at a potential spouse before marriage provided one is seriously contemplating marriage.

 

See the following hadith:

 

عَنْ أَبِي، هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ كُنْتُ عِنْدَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَأَتَاهُ رَجُلٌ فَأَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّهُ تَزَوَّجَ امْرَأَةً مِنَ الأَنْصَارِ فَقَالَ لَهُ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ أَنَظَرْتَ إِلَيْهَا ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ لاَ ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ فَاذْهَبْ فَانْظُرْ إِلَيْهَا فَإِنَّ فِي أَعْيُنِ الأَنْصَارِ شَيْئًا ‏"‏ ‏.‏

 

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported: I was in the company of Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. (Muslim 1424)

 

 

عَنِ الْمُغِيرَةِ بْنِ شُعْبَةَ، أَنَّهُ خَطَبَ امْرَأَةً فَقَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ انْظُرْ إِلَيْهَا فَإِنَّهُ أَحْرَى أَنْ يُؤْدَمَ بَيْنَكُمَا ‏"‏ ‏.

 

Bakr bin Abdullah Al-Muzani narrated that: Al-Mughirah bin Shu'bah proposed to a woman, so the Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: "Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better between the two of you." (Tirmidhi-1087)

 

If a person is interested in marrying a girl, he should see her and enquire about her from her Mahrams and any other possible avenue. He should thereafter make Istikhara. The girl should also adopt the same procedure. This is in keeping with each other’s dignity, respect and honour.

 

It will not be permissible to interact with a potential spouse by speaking, texting or video calling her.

 

The purpose of looking at a potential spouse is to ascertain their physical appearance and beauty not their character and lifestyle. The most effective method of ascertaining the character and lifestyle of a prospective spouse is through their relatives and other associates.

 

In regards to speaking with one’s fiancé, according to Shariah, an engagement is merely an agreement that the parties will marry in the future. It does not change the fact that the engaged couple are both strangers for one another before marriage.

 

Therefore, it will not be permissible to interact with one’s fiancé, whether this is over the phone, e-mail etc.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

 

Checked and Approved by,

Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Rahimahullah)

]]>24423Thu, 06 Jan 2022 07:28:39 +0000Parents Leading by Examplehttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24417-parents-leading-by-example/ Parents Leading by Example

Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) was the greatest of Allah Ta‘ala’s creation. Allah Ta‘ala selected him as His final Messenger and blessed him with the greatest Deen – the Deen of Islam which is the most perfect code of life for man to follow. When one examines the blessed personality of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), then one finds that Allah Ta‘ala blessed him with the highest standard of character and nobility so that he could serve as the ultimate example for humanity to emulate until the end of time.

Thus, every dimension of the blessed life of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) was exemplary and outstanding. Whether in the home, while conducting as a husband to his wife and father to his children, or whether in the musjid, as the imaam of the congregation, or in the community as the leader of the Muslims, he conducted in the most perfect manner and set the best standard for all people to follow.

Hence, in the upbringing of a child, until and unless the parents do not emulate the blessed lifestyle and character of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), bringing his sunnah into their lives and home, they will not see and achieve the desired results in their child’s upbringing. Merely tutoring the child by giving him Islamic education and verbally advising him regarding good morals and values will not prove effective if the parents’ actions, conduct and lifestyle oppose their words. When one studies the lives of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) and the way they tutored their children and steered them towards good morals and values, the glaring aspect that stands out is that they practiced what they preached and their actions were testimony to their words.

Together with the parents leading lives of piety and righteousness, thereby becoming good examples for their children, they should also teach their children to fulfill the rights of Allah Ta‘ala and the rights of the creation. They should guide them regarding oral, physical and spiritual cleanliness, and a great emphasis should be laid on social conduct and etiquette. When Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) taught the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) deen, his teachings were comprehensive and covered all dimensions of human living.

Hazrat Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was the special attendant of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) who was honored with the golden opportunity of serving Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) for ten years until the demise of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). During this period of ten years, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) conducted with him with affection and love and taught him deen. He says, “I served Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) for ten years. During this period, he never hit me, spoke to me harshly, scolded me, or even looked at me sternly.”

Among the golden advices and teachings which Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) imparted to him are the following:

Education regarding Fulfilling the Rights of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) and the Creation

“O my beloved son! Keep my secrets confidential, and you will become a true believer.” Hazrat Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) says, “After Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) gave me this advice, I never divulged his secrets to anyone, despite my mother and the respected wives of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) enquiring from me (while being unaware that what Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) had mentioned to me was confidential).”

Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) also said, “O my beloved son! If you are able to constantly send durood upon me then do so, as the angels will beg Allah Ta‘ala for your forgiveness.”

Education regarding Physical and Oral Hygiene and the Great Virtue of Cleanliness

“Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) also said to me, “O my beloved son! Ensure that you make a complete wudhu. If you do so, then the two angels (who are recording your deeds) will love you and you will be granted barakah in your life. O Anas! When you have a fardh bath, then wash your body thoroughly. Through washing your body, you will be cleansed of all your minor sins.” I then asked Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), “How should I ensure that I have washed my body thoroughly?” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) replied, “When bathing, ensure that you wet the roots of your hair and thoroughly rub the skin of your body.” “O my beloved son! Remain in the state of wudhu if you are able to, for the one who passes away in the state of wudhu acquires the rank of a shaheed (a martyr).”

Education regarding Fulfilling the Rights of Allah Ta‘ala by Performing Salaah

“O my beloved son! Try to offer some (nafl) salaah in your home as well. O Anas! When you make ruku, then ensure that you grasp your knees firmly, spread your fingers apart and keep your elbows from your sides. O my beloved son! When you raise your head from ruku, allow all your limbs to settle and be calm (before proceeding into sajdah), as on the Day of Judgement, Allah Ta‘ala will not look with mercy at the one who does not keep his back straight when waking up from ruku. O my beloved son! When you make sajdah, place your head and palms firmly on the ground, and do not make sajdah so rapidly that it is like the pecking of a rooster, and do not place your forearms on the ground in sajdah, resembling the sitting of a dog or fox. Refrain from looking around in salaah, as this action is a means of destroying (the reward of) your salaah.”

Education regarding Social Conduct and Thinking Good of Every Muslim

“O my beloved son! When you come out from your home, then make salaam to every Muslim that you see, for if you do so, you will return home cleansed from your minor sins. O my beloved son! When you enter your home then make salaam to your household members.” In one narration, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said, “When you leave your home, then on seeing any Muslim, you should feel in your heart that he is better than you.”

Education on Raising Children

Hazrat Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said, “On the seventh day after the child is born, the aqeeqah should be performed, he should be given an Islamic name and his head should be shaved. When the child reaches the age of seven, he should be taught Islamic etiquette and manners. When he reaches the age of nine, his bed should be separated from his siblings. When he reaches the age of thirteen, he should be disciplined and hit if he does not perform salaah or fast.  When he reaches the age of sixteen or seventeen, his father should get him married. Thereafter, his father should hold his hand and address him saying, ‘I have taught you Islamic etiquette, I have educated you in deen and I have got you married. I seek refuge in Allah from you becoming a means of fitnah and trial for me in this world and a means of punishment for me in the Hereafter.” (Ithaaf 6/316)

Education regarding Upholding Every Sunnah and the Formula for Gaining Entry into Jannah

“O my beloved son! If you are able to spend your day and night without having malice for anybody in your heart, then do so, as this will make your hisaab (accountability in the court of Allah) easy.” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) also said, “O my son! This (i.e. keeping your heart clean at all times) is my sunnah. The one who loves my sunnah loves me, and the one who loves me will be with me in Jannah. O my beloved son, if you adhere to these advices of mine then there will be nothing more beloved to you than death.” (Sunan Tirmizi #2678, Majma’uz Zawaa’id #1470 and Ibnu ‘Asaakir 9/253)

From the above, we can understand the great importance of imparting deeni knowledge and understanding to the child, as well as the loving, gentle and compassionate approach Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) adopted when teaching Hazrat Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu). When the child is taught deen with such love and care, he will have enthusiasm and eagerness for deen in his heart, and will thereafter live his life in accordance with the dictates of deen.

Source

 

]]>24417Sat, 01 Jan 2022 19:27:02 +0000What Will Become of Her?https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24358-what-will-become-of-her/ What Will Become of Her?

 

There were many men who would not drink coffee, yet after a few years of marriage, they became regular coffee consumers. Likewise, there were many women who had never drank a sip of tea, yet after a few years of marriage, they became regular tea drinkers.

There are many other examples that illustrate the manner in which one spouse’s ways, tendencies and habits rub off onto the other. It can be as simple as taste in food, or a little more involved such as developing punctuality and fastidiousness. Nevertheless, the point is evident – spouses have a profound effect on one another, to the point of even altering their habits and ways.

This is exactly why it is so important to ensure that one marries the correct spouse. Often, a person is aware of a major Deeni weakness in their potential spouse (e.g. lack of commitment to salaah). However, they feel that it will not affect them, or they will be able to influence their spouse and change them for the better. Though this is certainly a possibility, we must acknowledge that there is a definite possibility that they will imbibe some bad habits and evil ways from their spouse. Hence, without ever regarding oneself as superior or better, nevertheless prudence demands that one refrain from taking such a chance – especially since one’s greatest asset (Deen) is at risk.

It is for this reason that when the pious of the past got their children married, they NEVER compromised on the aspect of Deen, even though the proposal may have been extremely attractive and enticing in other respects.

On one occasion, Yazeed proposed for the daughter of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), the renowned Sahaabi of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Despite the proposal coming from the palace of the ruler, Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) turned it down. Thereafter, one of the attendants of Yazeed proposed for the daughter of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), and his proposal was accepted!

This created quite a sensation in society, as the news spread that Yazeed’s proposal had been rejected, but the proposal of one of the uninfluential Muslims had been accepted. Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) then explained and said, “I gave careful thought to (the future of my daughter) Dardaa. What do you think the condition of Dardaa will become when she has servants at her beck and call and she looks around in the palaces where her eyes will be dazzled (by the wealth and riches)? What will become of her Deen on that day?” (Hilyatul Awliyaa vol. 1, pg. 286)

The primary concern of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was for the Deen of his daughter. Hence, even though her material and financial situation would have been extraordinary and she would have been in the lap of comfort and luxury, and marrying the ruler is normally regarded as a privilege and an honour, he rejected the proposal, as he felt that her Deen would be adversely affected.

A similar incident has been narrated regarding Sa‘eed bin Musayyab (rahimahullah). He was among the leading Taabi‘een and was the son-in-law of none other than Sayyiduna Abu Hurairah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu). The ruler, ‘Abdul Malik bin Marwaan, sent a proposal for his son, Waleed, to marry the daughter of Sa‘eed bin Musayyab (rahimahullah). However, Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) declined the proposal. Since ‘Abdul Malik was determined, he tried numerous approaches to persuade Sa‘eed (rahimahullah), but his efforts were to no avail. He even went to the extent of lashing him a hundred times on a cold day, pouring water over him and dressing him in a cloak of wool, but Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) did not relent. Finally, he married his daughter to one of his students who was poor but pious. (Siyaru Aa’laamin Nubalaa vol. 4, pg. 233)

When a father loves his daughter, he will want the very best for her. Likewise, he will be prepared to undergo any difficulty to save her from harm. Hence, Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) even bore a hundred lashes to save his daughter from the Deeni harm that she would have suffered, had she married Waleed.

The crux of the matter is that the piety of the spouse is of utmost importance, and deficiency in Deen should not be overlooked and casually brushed aside.

 

Source: http://uswatulmuslimah.co.za/family-matters/marriage/2974-what-will-become-of-her.html

]]>24358Sun, 03 Oct 2021 10:19:19 +0000Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kidshttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24357-put-your-phone-away-and-pay-attention-to-your-kids/
Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids
 
Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — Written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. on May 17, 2016

This psychologist is worried. It seems that everywhere I go a sizable number of the parents are ignoring their kids.

At the grocery store: Mom is pushing one child in the cart. Two others are hanging onto the sides — when they’re not running up and down the aisles.

Where’s Mom? In an animated discussion on the phone.

At a local playground: Kids playing are pleading with Mom to look at them. Their mom barely looks up. She’s on the phone.

At the mall food court: I see far too many tables where kids are eating fries and their folks are on the phone. At a high school football game. Yup. A dad misses his kid’s big play. Why? He’s on his phone.

 

Not everyone is guilty of putting their phone ahead of their kids, of course. And sometimes, I’m sure, the parents on the phone are dealing with an emergency or monitoring kids left at home. But it’s happening enough that it has me concerned.

 

Below are five reasons to put those phones away:

 
  1. Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying. The “look at me’s” you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement. When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids soak it up. They try again. They push themselves to the next level.
  2. Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank. When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life’s problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life’s challenges. When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms. Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles of life, they will have what it takes to cope.
  3. Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them. They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices. They are learning the words for the things and people of their world. They are learning how those words get strung together. Television doesn’t help children learn language. It’s too passive. They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being. Parking them in front of even the best children’s TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between even babies and their parents. Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence. “Where did that come from?” they ask. It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they’re on the phone.
  4. Conversation builds brain power. Little kids’ brains are sponges. The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb. Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize. Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life. One and two word answers don’t do it. Commands don’t do it. A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn’t do it either. Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world. That’s one of the many good reasons to read to children. It’s not just for the entertainment of the stories. It’s also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language.
  5. Our kids need our first priority to be our relationships with them, not with our phones. Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them. Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives. Yes, quality time has a certain special quality. We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo. But those days are special because they are rare. For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. I love my phone as much as the next person. I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family. I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me. I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets. I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.There’s no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house. But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs). Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.

 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/put-your-phone-away-and-pay-attention-to-your-kids#6
 

]]>24357Sat, 02 Oct 2021 09:34:06 +0000Bursting the Bubble​https://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/24355-bursting-the-bubble%E2%80%8B/ Bursting the Bubble
 
As exhausted as she was, she put in the extra effort. “Never mind if I’m tired, I’ll do it for my hubby,” she thought to herself. She wore attractive clothing and jewellery, applied perfume, prepared his favourite meal and dessert and even lit candles, hoping to please her husband by making it a ‘special evening’. Sadly, as soon as he entered, let alone appreciate and admire, and let alone a simple smile and a hug – he didn’t even spare her a second glance! He walked in, glued to his phone, absolutely oblivious to the loving wife who had eagerly awaited him all day. At that moment, her bubble burst and her heart was broken…
 
After reading the above, most people would be quick to condemn the husband’s behaviour and classify him as insensitive, callous and uncaring. Now, consider the following:
 
“Mummy! You know what aapa told us today?” Faatimah excitedly exclaimed as she ran in from madrasah. “Not now Faatimah! I’m busy!”her mother snapped while frantically typing on her phone.
 
“Daddy! See what I made for you with my blocks!” Muhammad said, hopping with happiness. “Can’t you see that I’m on the phone?” his father scolded in irritation.
 
In all the cases above, a person turned to someone that they love, hoping and expecting to receive warmth, love, attention and acceptance, and were instead brushed off abruptly and painfully ignored. Just as a wife feels hurt when her husband treats her indifferently, children similarly feel hurt when their parents treat them in this way. If the husband is guilty, the parents are also guilty and deserving of condemnation.
 
In such a child’s eyes, his parents love their phones more than him as they cannot even put it down for a few minutes to give him attention and love. When the child sees that his parents have bonded with their phones more than with him, it is unsurprising that he develops a fascination with the phone and also wishes to acquire one to bond with. If it is not the phone occupying the parents, then regardless of what it is, it causes hurt and pain to the child – especially when it happens on a continuous basis.
 
As fathers and mothers, we need to understand that parenting is not an eight-to-five occupation where we can knock off for the day,thereafter ignoring all responsibilities of the work place until the next morning. As parents, we can never feel, “I gave my children enough attention today, now it’s my turn to relax and I do not want them to disturb me or bother me.” We are on duty 24/7, and whenever our children come to us, we must show them warmth, love and attention. Failing to do so creates a serious complex in the child, affecting their emotional wellbeing and causing them to develop a dangerous craving for attention.
 
When the wife is displeased with her husband for ignoring her, then due to her intelligence and age, she will be able to express herself with words or even tears. In the case of the child, he does not know how to communicate his need via words. Instead, when he desperately craves the attention and love of his parents, he looks for other ways to gain it – or he will seek the love from outsiders.
 
Children are simple souls and do not understand diplomacy and tact. If a child wants a toy from another child, he will often snatch it without thinking twice. Likewise, when the parents do not give the child the attention that he wants, he tries to ‘snatch’ it from them. This often manifests in the form of naughty behaviour such as breaking things, tantrums, etc., as the child knows no other way to draw his parents’ attention.
 
How sad that the child has to resort to this behaviour simply to make his parents look at him!
 
Unfortunately, this plan backfires. The child is given attention – but in the form of scolding, punishment, etc. and this further entrenches the complex and craving within the child. The parents then lament and complain about the behaviour of their children, failing to realise that it is actually a shout for help from a child who is starving for love and knows no other way to express himself.
 
The next time our child comes to us, even if it may be to show us a flower they picked in the garden, or a ‘picture’ that they scribbled with crayons, or to tell us something silly that their friend told them, or to show us their toy, let us not burst their bubble and break their hearts. Let us take out a few moments to give them our undivided love and attention.

 

uswatulmuslimah
]]>24355Sat, 02 Oct 2021 07:05:53 +0000An Important Lesson for Married Coupleshttps://www.islamicteachings.org/forum/topic/23797-an-important-lesson-for-married-couples/ An Important Lesson for Married Couples
This post is primarily directed at men. However, it applies to women also.
Once a man approached a scholar renowned for his profound wisdom and experience, to complain to him, saying, “When I was fascinated by my wife, she was in my sight, the most beautiful thing in this world ever created by Allah.”
“When I proposed to her, I began to see others equal to her in beauty.”
“When I married her, I saw many others who were more elegant than her!”
“A few years after our marriage, it appears to me as though all the women of this world are more classic and more sophisticated than my wife!”
The wise man: “Shall I tell you what is more disastrous and more bitter?”
The man replied: “Yes.”
The wise man: “Were you to marry all the women in this world, you will find the stray dogs on the highways more attractive than all the women of the world!”
The man: “Why do you say so?”
The wise man: “Because the problem is not with your wife. The problem is, if a person were gifted a covetous heart and lustful eyes, and he is lacking in bashfulness, nothing satisfies his gaze except the sand of his grave. Your problem is that you do not lower your gaze from what Allah has prohibited. Do you want your wife to be returned to her previous lofty position as the most beautiful woman on earth?
The man: “Yes.”
The wise man: “Lower your gaze. Allah says, “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.”
That which is not in your possession will always appear to you to be better and more precious than what is in your possession. But once you lay your hands on it, it becomes ordinary. Be content with what you possess and do not be selfish, courting all that glitter till you land in your grave.
The worship of Allah is better and more attractive. The sweetness of good deeds are only appreciated by those who live for it. Finally, do not forget to invoke Allah to always beautify your spouse in your sight and grant you his or her love and compassion.
 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians

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