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Polygyny: Stories of Co-Wives

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Touching Our Hearts - The Sincerity Between Co-Wives

 

Bismihi Ta'ala

On the author’s request, names and personal details are withheld to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

"We are like a set of scales – the three of us: my husband; his first wife and myself as the weighing plates – because it is we who keep our husband in the balance!

In this way our happiness lies in each other’s good works, care and love and so is constantly reinforced, because a good wife protects her husband from wrong doing.

"K" has many names for me – all depending on what role she is playing. Sometimes I am her daughter, sometimes her sister, sometimes she calls me by my professional title, sometimes a scholar, but always a friend.

I know whenever I achieve anything she will be the most proud of what her sister has done and so I always tell my husband: “Please don’t tell K. I want to tell her myself.” - because I love to see the joy on her face.

Like a child, I want her approval and as a woman I want her to share my success as only another woman can understand.

We have many names for our husband too. When we talk about individual needs and rights, we say: ‘My husband’; when we talk to family and friends he is: ‘Our husband;’ and when he is in trouble he is: ‘Your husband!’

I wonder if there is something wrong in the way we are because it seems so unusual to love one’s husband’s other wife so much. But no matter how we try to formalize our relationship and protect it through distance, Allah brings us closer together.

My Father and My Husband’s First Wife


Here my father is our greatest supporter with the joy and happiness he feels at our sisterhood. Whenever we speak, he will always ask me first “How is your sister” and then “How is your husband?”

I am so proud of him, that in his old age he is able to support us in this blessed Sunnah in a way which no one except a father’s concern for his daughter’s happiness can understand and he tells me “She is also my daughter.” and I feel so happy that he thinks in this way.

My father is always a just person, reminding us to be good to each other. He laughs when I tell him my husband is in trouble with K because of something he has said to upset me.

My father always makes Du`aa’ for my husband’s first wife. I feel it is his Du`aa’ that has made this relationship so special. K believes this too because she regularly tells me she prays for my parents – as I pray for hers.

It is unusual for me to have a conversation these days without mentioning her.

Indeed, one day I was telling a friend that my husband was on holiday with my sister K; my friend was rather disturbed that I had allowed my husband to go away with my sister.
I quickly explained she was his wife and my friend laughed shaking her head, “You talk about her so much I thought she was your actual sister I never realized she was your husband’s first wife!”


I have often just sat and watched K’s face while she is working or sharing her life with me or scolding her children and I feel in awe of her. She is so careful and cautious, yet so carefree and relaxed. She is so focused, yet so impulsive. She is so thoughtful, wise and so concerned.

She is My Teacher

It’s true to say that she, along with many of my friends, has taught me how to be a wife and has protected my marriage as much as her own but within the appropriate boundaries.

She is possessive over me when I am upset, she encourages me when I want to do things in my life and she is severe with me when I want to give up – she is always there for me. I love whenever I make Du`aa’ for her and her husband to be together in this life and in the Hereafter how she always says “With you.”

I have often wished that my mother – were she alive – could have met K and that I had known her when I was younger. Not because she is my husband’s other wife but because she is, in herself, a remarkable woman.

One day, K and I were talking and I was wearing a ring of my mother’s which I took off and gave to K, with tears in her eyes she took it and put it on her finger. I notice how often when I come to visit or we go out together, she especially puts it on.

Of course we are clear with our boundaries and we agree that we should each feel the freedom to be husband and wife within the boundaries of our religion.

Yes, we live our own lives, we have our privacy with our husband but we cherish our own sisterhood equally. We do our utmost to protect our relationship from our husband and friends as much as we do for our individual marriages.

Of course when we are together, we do not cross the Islamic boundaries of conversation about our personal relationship with our husband. Both, practically and psychologically, there is clear boundary.

The only sadness that K and I share is about those women who feel unhappy that we are so close, who feel threatened at our example, fearing that if their husbands may see us happy, worry that they will also take their right and re- marry. This is the sad state of sisterhood for some Muslim women – who fear harm by their own lack of faith, so start the (co –wife) relationship by harming first.

They forget that while they have power over the other wife, they lose respect in the eyes of their husband and clearly do not fear Allah SWT. But K and I agree that a good friend is one who is happy when you do good whatever that is and no matter who it affects.

I could write many pages about all K has done for me. I was a stranger in the land in which I was married and I cannot count all the times she has been there for me, all the times she has supported me against her own friends, all the times she has just cared, put her arm around me and wiped my tears and enjoyed my laughter.

I need only sneeze and she will send me a remedy for flu. I need only sound sad and she will come and see me or scold my husband for me! I will only mention I am tired and she will volunteer one of her children to come and ‘serve’ me as she puts it. My husband and I call her Mudirah (Director) – a perfect title for her because with her energy and love she organizes us all..

When we were married I said to my husband: "I hope when you marry me you will appreciate what a wonderful wife you already have and I hope that in my presence you will realize this about her." – I think K has – without need and without doubt – proved this to be true.

I feel in many respects more fulfilled in my marriage because of her – as a woman she knows what women face, the challenges, the expectations and injustices and she is always there fighting my corner, no matter who the opponent.

She is in my mind throughout the day as we live our own lives and when I pray I wonder if she has prayed and when I clean I wonder if she is cleaning also and I picture her busy in her home all day with her tasks and children.

She tells me when she prays she thinks the same and when she eats always sets aside some food for me, before her husband and children, to send to me when my husband comes. She does not know how many times she has had my heart’s Du`aa’ for feeding me over the time we have known each other. Her reason is, she says, because “I will have to account to Allah on the Last day for how I treated my sister.”

For me, this is Iman (faith).

It is truly a miracle from Allah SWT when one wife can say that one of the greatest blessings of her marriage is her husband’s other wife.

May Allah bless My K., Allah protect her, raise her in honor, grant her endless peace and happiness with her husband and keep them both for each other; and most of all keep her for me."

 

آمِيْن ثُمَّ آمِيْن
 
Posted by Sister Munawwarah on sunniforum.com
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Friendship Between Co-Wives!

I would like to contribute this story which shows that it is not impossible for co-wives to not just live together in one house but to become close friends despite sharing a husband!

My father-in-law had two wives and lived in a small town in India. We grew up knowing and accepting it without question despite being brought up in the West. His first wife did not have any children and he married a young divorcee who bore him three sons (one of whom is my husband) and a daughter.

From the beginning both the wives lived in the same house and from the stories I’ve heard there was a little tension between them in the beginning however I believe my father-in-law was a very wise man. He did not appear to favour either of them and in this way they became good friends. The first wife did all the indoor chores and looked after the children, which led to them being very close to her while the younger wife helped in the field and did the laundry at the village river. In this way life continued. The children grew up having the love of two mums.

In Asian families it is the custom for the bride to receive some gold jewellery from her in laws. My father-in-law was not a wealthy man and knowing this my father did not ask for anything. Yet on the occasion of my Nikah the first wife (my older mum-in-law), sold a piece of her jewellery so that my husband could give me a gold ring! May Allah ta’ala reward her in abundance for this generous gesture.

Soon after our marriage my father-in-law passed away (May Allah ta’ala elevate him) and the two co-wives lived together, supporting each other and being supported by the sons. Eventually the first wife became quite ill and her family took her to their town but this did not mean that her friend and co-wife and the children did not visit her. They visited regularly and supported her until her death. To this day my husband and his brothers visit her family and regard her as their “mum”.

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:sl:

 

we should spread  these  kind of stories   .  Now a days , Muslims are influenced by western media  and  hate to see men taking more than one wife even when it's necessary .  Women  prefer divorce rather than accepting co wife.

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Agreed....though we come across many unsuccessful and heart rending co-wives  stories there are still many many success stories too

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Barhi Ammi, Choti Ammi!

 

This is the story of a woman who did not have any children and who herself suggested that her husband perform a second Nikah. Despite opposition from relatives and the community her husband married again and they all live together on one property with a small apartment designated to the second wife. Children were born to the second wife however they are closer to their “Barhi Ammi” (older mum) and their own mum is “Choti Ammi” (younger mum).

 

The most inspiring part of this story is that when there is a wedding to attend or for an outing, the older wife always urges her husband to take the younger wife and on occasions of sadness she herself will accompany her husband and when any of the children or the husband brings a gift to the second wife she urges them to give it to “Barhi Ammi”! They have ended up as best friends and harmony prevails in the household despite people trying to stir up their situation.

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A Beautiful Success Story

 

This story shows what a difference a pious woman can make to her husband’s life and what sacrifices she is capable of.

 

A Sister found out her husband was having an illicit relationship and they had even had a child. Though grief and pain filled her heart, her piety came to her aid (and more importantly, to her husband’s aid).

 

She immediately said to her husband that he should marry this woman. This he did, and he had three more children with her. The beautiful and absolutely amazing thing is that the second wife did not have any Deeni knowledge and it was the first wife who took it upon herself to teach her and her children! May Allah subhaanhu wata’ala reward her in both worlds.

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Pakistani takes four wives for Haj to fulfil dowry pledge 

 

Quite inspiring I thought.....

Al-Twairiqi

Okaz/Saudi Gazette


MINA – “Half of their dowries was memorizing the Holy Qur’an and the other half was taking them to the holy land,” said Mir Hussein, a Pakistani national, about his four wives who performed Haj with him.

Hussein is known among his folk for his beautiful Qur’an recitation to the extent that many of the town’s residents wish to marry their daughters to him.

Hussein, who hails from a remote Pakistani town, married his first wife Zainab, who is also his cousin, when he memorized the Holy Qur’an at the age of 15. She was his uncle’s gift to him.

He married Hafsa, his second wife, for a dowry of several rupees and a promise to take her for Haj. He gave the same promise to the brother of his third wife, Zulaikha, when he married her.

As to Sajidah, his fourth wife, he married her after he led Isha prayers in one of the mosques while visiting another Pakistani town for some personal work.

Hussein was reciting some verses of the Holy Qur’an. When he completed his recitation an old man came close to him and sat down. He praised Hussein’s melodious recitation. The old man was so impressed that he held Hussein’s hands and offered him his daughter in marriage provided he taught her the Qur’an, even after learning from their conversation that Hussein already had three wives and 15 sons and daughters from them.

While marrying Sajidah, who is 12 years younger than him, Hussein promised her that her dowry would be a copy of the Holy Qur’an from “the land of the two holy mosques”, apart from a pilgrimage. They have been blessed with five sons.

Hussein said he came to Haj accompanied by his four wives to fulfill his promise and pay off his dowry commitments.

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:sl:

 

 

in Bangladesh  ,  without  the written permission  of   1st wife ,   a man can't take  another  wife -  even if  woman is sick  or  may  be  she  lives in separation for years .  Thus  men take  secret wives  or  having  illicit relations.

 

may Allah protects  Muslims  from haram relationships.

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in Bangladesh  ,  without  the written permission  of   1st wife ,   a man can't take  another  wife -  even if  woman is sick  or  may  be  she  lives in separation for years .  Thus  men take  secret wives  or  having  illicit relations.

 

may Allah protects  Muslims  from haram relationships.

 

 

wa'alauykumus salaam ww

You mean its the law?

 

if so, its sad to hear: an un islamic law in an Islamic country

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My father has two wives: explaining the role of polygamy in Islam

 

I was recently asked to photograph a Ramadan etiquette session. The lecturer encouraged questions about Islam and one of the women asked about polygamy in Islam, which reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my Christian friends.

 

Anna was intrigued to know about my family and lifestyle. Somewhere in the middle of those chats, I told her that my father has two wives and my mother is the second one. The shock on her face was indescribable.

 

 

She paused for a few moments and asked me: “Does your mother have any rights?”

 

I laughed at her reaction, because she thought we were deprived of our rights and lived under subjugation, the way women and Islam are often portrayed in the media.

 

I explained that some men have multiple affairs, behind closed doors, outside of wedlock. But it is these same individuals who cannot accept a man having more than one wife. What have been the consequences of such illicit affairs? Too often these dalliances result in illegitimate children and the women are little more than sex objects. What happens to these children when they grow up? I know my lineage and I am not ashamed to say I have two mothers because the whole family and society know about my father’s marriage. I would be extremely ashamed of my parents if I came to this world as the result of a hidden relationship.

 

My friend was curious about how my father managed to share his time with both wives. I explained that he provided both his wives with a house and tries his best to fulfil all their needs, which is the primary condition of polygamy. It is a huge responsibility. She continued to bombard me with questions on the subject, but finally posed the most thoughtful question: “Who does he favour?” I was stuck, because I do not know how my father feels toward his wives; I do not know what is in his heart.

 

This is why Allah says in the Quran, Verse 129: “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire.” This refers to the emotional side of polygamy – we have no control over our hearts.

 

I have a lot of friends and appreciate them, but I have that one special friend, with whom I share all of my secrets and sorrows. I give this friend the title “best friend”, although I do cherish all my companions.

 

Islam did not invent polygamy but only regulated it in favour of women. Islam puts a limit on the number of wives a Muslim man can have. It is not obligatory, only permissible, if the man can fulfil the criteria, which is to be just with his wives socially, economically and even emotionally. If not – and really, who can? – he must remain with one bride. The purpose of allowing this practice is not to support a man’s personal ego, but to solve a major social problem, such as in historical times of battle and war, when men’s deaths meant that scores of women were left widowed or orphaned.

 

Polygamy is not exclusive to Islam but, unfortunately, Prophet Mohammed (Peace be upon him) is often singled out as a polygamist, which is rather surprising. The Bible and Torah speak of polygamy. Prophet Ibrahim and Jacob (Peace be upon them both) had more than one wife. And let’s not forget Prophet Solomon (Peace be upon him) who had more than 700 wives.

 

Asmaa Al Hameli (The National)

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The woman who dropped out of Cambridge PhD to enter into polygamous marriage to Muslim businessman with two other wives

 

16 September 2014

Sam Creighton for Daily Mail

 

  • Nabilah Phillips dropped out of Cambridge to marry Hasan Phillips
  • She is one of three women married to the businessman and charity worker
  • There are as many as 20,000 polygamous Muslim marriages in Britain
  • New documentary, The Men with Many Wives, exposes rise in these unions

 

Studying for a PhD in engineering at Cambridge, she might not seem like  a prime candidate to  enter into a polygamous marriage.

 

But that is what Nabilah Phillips did, dropping out of university to become the second woman married to businessman Hasan Phillips who has since acquired a third wife.

 

Yesterday it emerged that Mrs Phillips, from North London, is among thousands of Muslim women entering into such relationships which are illegal in the UK but allowed under sharia law which permits men to have four wives.

 

new television documentary, The Men with Many Wives, exposes the rise in these unions – of which there are believed to be as many  as 20,000 in Britain – and the dating agency, Muslim Marriage Event, responsible for setting many of them up.

 

Copy link to paste in your me

The couple were interviewed in this week's Radio Times

 

Having already been through a divorce Mrs Phillips, 35, originally from Malaysia, signed up to a similar matrimony service specifically looking for a married man.

 

She told the programme: ‘I  was looking for someone who  had been married or was already in a marriage.

‘I was married before and having gone through one divorce, you kind of know what you want in marriage, so I wanted someone who already knows how to be a husband.

 

‘I really enjoy being in a polygamous relationship. We are not stupid people who are forced into this type of relationship.’

Through the service she signed up to she met 32-year-old Mr Phillips – also divorced but re-married to City worker Sakinah, 33, – and decided to abandon her studies to become his second wife.

 

The wives occasionally meet when Mr Phillips, who as well as being a businessman also works for a charity aiming to spread the word of Islam, organises family outings.

 

Nabilah Phillips said: ‘If any problem happens between co-wives it’s usually his fault. Praising somebody too much. “Why don’t you be more like her, she’s this, she’s that”. If he didn’t say that, we would all be happy.’

 

She has two children with Mr Phillips, who has six in total, and helps to run his import-export business. But abandoning her high-flying academic career was not her only change after she married. She  also began wearing the Muslim veil, the niqab.

 

She told Radio Times: ‘I wanted to wear one before I got married – being married to Hasan has given me the opportunity to wear one and be steady at it. The only prejudice I have met so far has been from other Muslims.’

 

 

During filming Mr Phillips, who converted to Islam from Christianity when he was 16, marries a third woman, Somalia-born Anub, 41.

 

He did not invite his other two wives to the small ceremony, held at the local mosque, saying: ‘I don’t think it would be right to invite them. Even though they are accepting of polygamy, you don’t want to really rub it in their faces, “Look, I’m getting married”, and expect them to be happy and have a party about it.’

 

Each wife lives in a separate house in London and Mr Phillips spends three nights in each home before moving on to the next.

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a story is missing here ?

wa'alaykumus salaam

 

the thread is as it was sis, i haven't moved or merged anything...which one?

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Second Wife

 

 

..I thought that no one could love her husband the way I loved mine, but she taught me the true meaning of unconditional love...

 

Second wife! The words reverberated through my brain.

 

Why?

 

Am I not good enough?

 

Never! I will never accept a second wife!

 

If you want a second wife you can go out and get one as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back!

 

Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry again a second time. It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. 'She is having a hard time', he said, she didn't know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children. "Where is their father?" I asked, "Can't he take care of his own kids? Why do you, a strange man have to carry another man's burden? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her!

 

I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself. I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage.

 

After all I have been to him. Wife, mother, doctor, housekeeper. I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH!

 

NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him. If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it!

 

It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change. But it did....

 

 

My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don't know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town. He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn't know that our time was running out.

 

 

His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never read Esha namaaz that night, because he never woke up.

 

I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time. Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house. We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill.

 

When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn't young anymore. I missed him everyday with every beat of my heart. How could ones condition change so drastically?

 

One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife.

 

It's the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances. He came to my brothers house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn't know what her reaction will be when he tells

her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy.

 

I started reading Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah Ta'ala will punish me this time around. I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong. I only protected what was mine. Now that I am on the receiving end, I realized how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband. I prayed that she will accept me.

 

He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me.

 

I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah Ta'ala to help me. When I met her, she was a person, a woman like me . A woman who loves her husband and fears losing him.

 

She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said: " This is very hard for me, but I hope that we can be sisters" her words broke my heart.

 

All I needed in these dark days was a hand reaching out to me and embracing me, giving me hope and the will to carry on. His wife was to me, the woman that I could not be and I will be forever grateful for that. I thought that no one could love her husband the way I loved mine, but she taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.

 

You never know a person's situation until you are in it. Judge by what is right according to Qu'ran and you will see how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will send double fold.

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wa'alaykumus salaam

 

the thread is as it was sis, i haven't moved or merged anything...which one?

 

 

 

a wife  suspected  that  her   husband  got  married .  She  sent  a  maid  to enquiry  and  found  out that it's  true  .  Her  hubby  died  few  days  later .  Nobody  knows  about  his  2nd  wife    but  1st   wife   divided    the  money  equally  she  got  from   her  dead  hubby's  property  ......

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a wife  suspected  that  her   husband  got  married .  She  sent  a  maid  to enquiry  and  found  out that it's  true  .  Her  hubby  died  few  days  later .  Nobody  knows  about  his  2nd  wife    but  1st   wife   divided    the  money  equally  she  got  from   her  dead  hubby's  property  ......

 

wa'alaykumus salaam

i remember that story...told by shaykh Zulfiqar Naqshbandi. It was in a separate post...

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Women Of Complete Imaan & Taqwa

 

This is a story related by Shaykh Zulfiqar Naqshbandi in one of his talks during his recent visit to London. The subject was Imaan (Faith) and how once a person attains complete Imaan, be it a man or a woman, they remain human but their actions become like those of the Angels.

 

There once lived a young man with a beautiful wife whom he loved. He had a good business and provided well for his family and they lived quite happily. He did however have to travel to a far off place due to his business and would therefore be separated from his wife for three to four months at a time and he would miss his wife and family.

 

 

On one such trip he decided that since he came to this place once a year and spent so many months, he may as well have a home and a wife here. He purchased a house, furnished it and after consulting some people he found a good woman who was in need of support and who was willing to look after him when he was with her and live by herself when he was away. The Nikah took place and not wishing to hurt his first wife’s feelings he decided not to inform her of the situation. The time arrived for him to return home and he said his goodbyes to his new wife.

 

A woman often has a sixth sense regarding her husband and upon his return home the first wife immediately felt that things were not as they were before. She was a wise woman and decided not to ask her husband any questions in case it created tension between them. After some months he once again prepared for his business trip. She let him go and awaited his return anxiously. Upon his return she became convinced that something was not quite right however once again, she decided to remain quiet. On his next trip away she called an elderly woman whom she knew and trusted and paid her to visit the town where her husband conducted his business and try to find out how he spent his time there. The old woman did as she was told and upon her return she related the news about his second wife and home. The first wife was indeed very hurt but accepted that it was his right and decided not to question him upon his arrival.

 

So life continued for a while with her husband travelling between the two towns. On one of his trips home he was suddenly taken ill and died soon thereafter. His inheritance was divided and his wife was given four sacks full of coins. She looked at them and thought to herself that they did not all belong to her as her husband had a second wife and half of it was her amaanat (trust). She mused to herself that no one was aware of the second Nikah and if she kept all the wealth who was there to ask any questions? She was a pious lady and her piety led her to once more call upon the elderly lady to whom she gave two bags and instructed her to travel to the city where her co-wife lived to inform her of her husband’s sudden death and hand over her share of the inheritance.

 

The elderly lady visited the second wife with the sad news of the death of her husband. On hearing the news the widow cried and appeared inconsolable. When the tears eventually stopped the old lady handed over the two sacks of coins informing her that the first wife had sent it as it was her share of the inheritance. This woman looked at the gold and then handed back the bags saying she had no right to them. On being asked why she explained that just before her husband’s departure they had fought with each other and she had been given a divorce and though no one knew about it and she could have kept the coins, she knew that Allah subhaanahu wata’ala was well aware! This then is a story of how Women of Taqwa behave, how they sacrifice their personal feelings and desires for that which is commanded by their Lord.

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Wa'alaykumus salaam sis...yes, difficult as it would be, these stories teach us it can be done. I think keeping in mind the commands of Allah ta'ala and His Rasool sallallaahu 'alayhi wasallam in every aspect i.e. that polygyny is permissible and it has many advantages as well as for both the men and the wives to keep good akhlaaq as well as fulfill rights over each other would help

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Interview with a Second Wife

 

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First jazaki Allahu khairun (may Allah reward you) for approaching me and sharing this intimate part of your life with our readers. Let’s start at the beginning, how did you come to be a second wife? Was it something you sought out or did your husband approach you?

As-Salam Alaikum. First I want to say that I am very pleased to have an interview with you about polygyny. Well, for this question, it will be a little hard to answer. The fact is that I was very much interested in him, but showed no sign. On the other hand, I am assuming he was not interested in me, or he was playing the same game and showed no sign. But, the fact was that there was a rumor that he refuses to marry anyone else who tried to because he was content with one wife. So, I just felt as a little girl with a crush which was eventually going to disappear.

One day, there was a misunderstanding in a statement I made, he took it the wrong way because that was just his desire (miraculously). I knew then he liked me back, so I suggested he goes to my Wali (male guardian) and he did the next day.

 

A lot of sisters question the husbands motives for marrying more than one wife. Without wanting to delve into anything too personal, what were the circumstances that led your husband to marry again?

Well, one thing I know is that he was very careful and didn’t want to marry for the wrong reasons and turned down many offers. So, to my understanding, I am assuming that children was one of the strongest issue. He has been married to his first wife for 6 years whom is older then him and they have no children and from how he is known in the community, he adores children and children adores him.

 

Still many sisters question the motives of a second wife, some sisters have even harshly compared second wives to mistresses. What do you have to say to those sisters?

My immediate response is to be careful what comes out of their mouths, they will be questioned about it. This is Islam. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) made it permissible. But, I strongly believe one of the reasons for such ignorance is the way some brothers go about doing it. The secrecy, the lies and deceit. Unfortunately, some of our Muslim brothers act like the people in Jahilliyah (the time of ignorance before Islam) What I mean by that, they would hide their second marriage, they would give the first wife more time and more money etc… Then, hey, what else can you call that? Alhamdullillah, I am known to be as special to my husband as his first wife is. I am no secret, he pays my rent just like he pays hers. So, my sisters, just get a brother who fears Allah to not go through feeling like a mistress.

 

From your point of view how do you think your husbands first wife dealt with your marriage?

Hummm!!! You see, my husband does not discuss it much. But what he did tell me once is that she was not too happy at first and refused to talk to me when I asked my husband to talk to her. I had a conversation with him on how it is his duty to make her feel secure and loved. He never really discussed that anymore and I never asked him either. What assured me that she is not ready to have a friendship with me is that she had  a nice and respectful conversation with me once but extremely brief. But her niece who comes to the Masjid pretty often shows nothing but love and kindness towards me, offers me food and hugs. I also met her sister last week who was very nice to me as well.

 

You’ve talked a bit about how you see your co-wife to me before and I admired what you said, how do you feel about your co-wife and what efforts have you made to reach out to her?

Like I said, at first, before we even got married, I asked if I can talk to her and her answer was no, and that she doesn’t need to talk to me. After we got married, I kept insisting to my husband. He said its best to wait for the right time, maybe when she moves to the USA.

 

Before my husband left to visit her overseas, I insisted on sending her money and gifts because the Prophet (sallallahu aleihi wa salam) said gift giving draws hearts together. And I did. When my husband got there, I called her cell cause my husband gave it to me for emergencies until he gets his own cell phone. She answered. She was very brief but polite like I stated earlier.

 

Honestly, I was hurt. Very hurt. I wanted a relationship with her, but I guess she is not allowing it or is not ready yet. I am giving up trying and maybe it will get better when she comes to the States inshaAllah (God Willing)

 

 

What were your own views and feelings on polygany before your marriage and how have they changed since?

At the beginning, I swore by Allah I would never be involved in Polygyny. All the sisters and my wali knew how firm I was about that. It happened, I don’t know why. Now, I can say that my view is a little different. If your husband is fair and everyone involved fears Allah and won’t abuse the other one regardless of the jealousy that might occur, then it is perfect. This funny thoughts come to me sometimes, (smile), that he is a real man for being able to deal with 2 women, this makes me have a lot of respect for him.

 

There is plenty of benefits in it. I mean, if there is a reason for it, like if a wife can’t have kids, or if a sister is old and don’t have a husband or if a sister went through some kind of crisis and needs to have a husband etc…, then I am for it. I am against it only when brothers do it for the wrong reason. When they don’t do it fisabilllah (for the sake of Allah) When they do it only just because this sister looks good (but doesn’t have Taqwa (God-consciousness)).
 

What are your views on the roles and duties of a husband with multiple wives?

Simple- Equal financial treatment, equal time. The husband must also be able to fulfill the sexual desire of all his wives, not ever compare them (that would be an immense mistake) and not allow disrespect between them. The heart is a different issue. You cant help who you love more even though most women wish to win first place.
 

 

Again without wanting to ask too personal of a question, I understand your co-wife is in another country at the moment and your husband divides his time as best he can. What steps does your husband take to remain fair between his wives and keep things peaceful? How do you think this will change when you are living close by?

He is trying his best. He visits her for 3 months out of the year and she is in the process of moving to the States inshaAllah. He contacts her pretty often, not that he tells me, but women are smart. And also, because he contacts me 26 days out of 30 when he visits her. He would love to have total equal time, but for now, its just not possible financially.

 

I really don’t care about how it will be when she moves here, the most important thing is that she makes it here so she can get as much time as I am getting. I know my husband will not make us feel any different inshAllah, he is just a good man, a true blessing from Allah. More jealousy may occur between me and her, but I know we will not harm each other. I am not too worried about that.
 

 

What do you think are the biggest issues facing polygynous families and how has your family dealt with these issues?

Each family has their own issue. I am not sure on how I would describe that. But for his family, they love me and the ones who know her loves me and her. They are truly special and caring people. Even though his mom is not 100% in love with polygyny due to her own experience, but it is coming along fine. His dad loves me.

On my family side, they are really all Christians, and Allah knows Best about my mom. She took her Shahada (declaration of faith) but does not practice. My brother’s fiancee, I told. She had no problem with it. My brother overheard a Muslim brother say that to my husband on our walimah (wedding party), he really doesn’t care either. My mother was just digging to find out what was wrong with him since in her opinion all men are dogs, asked me the question once, and of course I could not lie. I switched the subject, went to the bathroom and came back to face the same question again. After her speech, entitled, “she knew something was wrong with him and that he could not be that nice”, I explained to her that I was the one keeping it a secret and that my husband actually wanted to tell them and he really did. Now, she loves him and they probably call and text each other more then once a day even with her limitation in English. So, it worked out fine.
 

 

You mentioned jealousy to me earlier, did you know that Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) was jealous of Khadija (Allah be please with her) because she was always the most beloved to The Prophet (peace be upon him) even after her death? Jealousy is normal I am sure, a tool of shaitan (the devil) perhaps. How do you cope with it and keep it from affecting you?

(Laughing out loud). I remind myself that I have no reason to feel jealous. He gives me no reason. It just drives me crazy to think sometimes that he doesn’t love me more then her just cause my mind tells me so. I want him to love me more and out of the blue one day, he was laughing and telling me he realized all women want to be loved more after coming from visiting her. This made me think that she is feeling the same way. Its pretty funny at times. But, what counts,  he is a very nice person. He really loves my boys. He blushes when I tell him the boys say they love him. He loved them before I even imagined we were going to get married. He listens to me and cares when I am hurt. I never had that before. Right now, I am 6 months pregnant with his first child and he is very supportive and loving. He calls me precious and he once said that I am his diamond and he has to take care of it. What else do I need? Hearing that, and being treated like that, he can even love her more if he would like (smile).
 

 

MashaAllah that is wonderful! How do you think you would react to your husband taking a 3rd wife? What lessons from being a second wife do you think you could apply to that if ever faced with it?

I would NOT be happy if he takes another wife in the future. I think he should be satisfied cause I am having his kids since she couldn’t yet, so he should be satisfied. (Laughing out loud). Wrong, but that is how I feel and he laughs every time I say it by replying that I am doing the same thing his 1st wife was doing but he is not thinking about that, and Allah knows Best. But if it happens, I will respect her as I want to be respected by my co-wife and I will be patient inshaAllah but I would not encourage him at all in this matter.
 

 

There is so much I’m sure our readers would like to know, I hope I’ve asked at least some of the right questions. What advice do you have for women who may be entering into a polygynous marriage?

Do not enter a marriage thinking that you are going to take over. Its wrong. Respect your co-wife regardless how jealous you get. Be very sensitive towards her/them.  Treat your husband well and most importantly, be Patient. Verily, Allah (SWT) loves the patient and we all want Allah to love us.
 

 

Any advice for first wives and husbands considering a second wife?

Depend on the situation. If you have a good marriage and he is fair, be patient and don’t assume that he doesn’t love you. There may be a reason fisabillillah (for the sake of Allah) he is doing it. Talk to him about how you feel. Remember this world is temporary and Allah tests us all the time. Be patient. Your husband may even love you more then you can imagine.

 

Finally, What would you like our readers to know about your situation and others like it? What misconceptions are out there that you’d like to address?

I want everyone to know that I have never been happier with a man before. He is truly a blessing from Allah and I can’t believe I found it in polygyny. There are a lot of misconceptions, it depends on the individuals involved. If you are doing the right thing, then it helps erase misconceptions. Mistresses don’t get equal time, mistresses are not known to everyone. Islam stops all these things that put a woman down. The Prophet’s (saw) wives were treated all equally even though he loved Aisha (ra) more. And if we claim we follow Islam, we must try our best to follow his Sunnah. Stop the deceitful things.

 

muslimahoasis

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